How's that for a blogpost title? Cheery, right?
I have started and stopped this post too many times to count. Legit, ten times since last Tuesday.
Why, Tuesday you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Tuesday was when the bottom dropped out.
When the JOB I interviewed for and was awarded in FEBRUARY was pulled. The job I've been waiting MONTHS FOR A BACKGROUND CHECK was ripped away. Without anything more than a "budget cuts and lack of work".
Security I've been counting on for months is gone. A new, fresh start is gone. Supplementation for my training is gone. Being able to hold my head high because I'm ACTUALLY contributing to our bills, our retirement and our future is gone.
Once again, the carpet has been has been pulled from under my feet and I'm laying on the floor dazed, trying desperately to understand WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! How are we now here? We had it figured out. I did the work. I got the other job. I have security. Y'all we were so happy. SO SO SO happy and good. Life was on point. Jobs for both of us. Me still training and pursuing a dream. We are even trying for kids. So damn H A P P Y. And then...this.
I can't tell you how many times I've cried the past nine days. How many moments I've spent SOBBING trying to figure out the why. I've cried to Le Husband more this week than I have in our marriage. And, dude has taken it like a champ. Normally not his forte but he has stepped up big time. He's dealt with me crying "why?" Dealt with the "what do I do now?" questions. He's quietly shouldered all the bills again. Marriage works that way, and I'm so grateful for him.
Training has been hard, I haven't been shy about that here. This job was supposed to help and now the lack of it just highlights EVERYTHING I COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH the past eight months. I've trained eight people. EIGHT. In eight months. Not good for the paycheck and not good for the ego. I've tried, but apparently tried all the wrong ways. I'm so so disappointed in myself and beyond embarrassed right now because I've honestly just flamed out big time. Something I've cried about quite a few times. Back in the day I was all 'it's okay if you fail. the important thing is to try' and now I have to eat my words. Failing is awful. It sucks. It hurts. It is the worst thing for your ego and I frankly don't really know what my calling/purpose is right now.
Oh, speaking of bruising the ego, have you tried looking for a job recently? Minus a bad health report or getting let go, I'm pretty sure looking for a job is one of the most miserable things on earth. So devastating when you don't have ENOUGH experience. Beyond frustrating when you have too much. Everyone wants the world and no one wants to take a chance on an unknown. It's who you know, not what you know. I've sent out so many resumes and been so discouraged in a week. If ANYONE IS GOOD AT RESUMES PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I feel beaten down. Again.
I am just so ready for a normal life. For a purpose. For a reason. For security. For money. I'm just ready to stop feeling like a failure. At the end of the day I want to find my worth again.
July 19, 2018
June 29, 2018
Y'all, July is almost here. Say what? Part of me is 'oh my goodness' while the other part is 'yay, family time starts on Saturday' excited! Which of course brings me to my first weekly win!
+ FAMILY TIME ALLLLL NEXT WEEK! Yes, y'all, yes! I am so excited to see everyone and of course snuggle on my delicous niece. CAN.NOT.WAIT!
+ Power came back on quicker than expected yesterday and I was so grateful.
+ I am training a client today, woop! She isn't my client, but it's money, so I'll take it.
+ My PT appointment has slowly helped my back issues and I'm really thankful to have such an awesome PT to work with, she's the best. The work she makes me do though, yeah, no.
+ I gave up two classes and am enjoying the extra night off a week. It had to be done.
+ Having people tell you how bummed they are you aren't teaching the class anymore is nice, though.
What are your wins this week?
June 22, 2018
Hey Friday! You here. I'm happy, They are happy. We all happy. Here's this week's wins:
+ Summer has begun, y'all! I am so excited for my favorite season. Beyond, just beyond. YAY WARM!
+ I've been 99% better about wearing my seatbelt, thanks to you, friends. I appreciate your love and kind yelling. It was needed and I am safer, xoxo.
+ My new gym is pretty awesome and I've gained crucial knowledge in the first week. Hoping this really helps me grow my business and become more successful at training.
+ I had two new [to me] people in my BODYPUMP and BARRE classes tell me how much they enjoy my teaching style and they love coming to my class. Warm fuzzies all over.
+ Le Husband and I had a great evening on the kickball field playing a double header. It was really nice to connect and rally the team when other people could't make it to the game.
+ I finally took the plunge and gave up a BOOTCAMP class at my old gym. The pay scale randomly changed [boo] and the timing just wasn't great for many people. I now get one night off a week, woop!
+Because no one was able to come to the BOOTCAMP class on Weds, I was able to emergency sub a BODYPUMP class at my new gym. I was 20 minutes late because the call came at 6:10pm for a 6:00pm class but I made it over there quickly [with a seatbelt] and the ladies were beyond grateful. I'm happy I could give them a good class and earn brownie points, too.
+ NO PLANS THIS WEEKEND! ZERO! NONE! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY!
How was your week? Anything fun this weekend?
June 19, 2018
Feeling a bit in the weeds recently. A lot going on over the weekend which leaves very little time for planning during the week. Then all of a sudden boom, Monday - Friday appears.
Lots of running around.
Not a lot of winning the day. Computer and technology issues make me wanna pull my hair out. Then there's planning to video a new work out but the room is already being used.
Of course there are all the questions. Do I get head shots? How much should I pay? Should I use my camera for videos instead of my phone? How can I get the stupid converter to work to get NEW music for barre classes? Why is my body rebelling on me all of a sudden?
But, I still show up.
I still try and I still put one food in front of the other. You can too, friends. You can, too. Here is your daily/weekly cheerleader post. Deep breath, charge forward, make it HAPPEN!
***PSDOTCOM: WHAT's going on with blogger and no email comments? I know I'm late to the problem but is there a solution? How are y'all still responding to comments?***
June 13, 2018
... The other day I walked out of the grocery store without paying for something. I didn't realize it until I got to my car and I was just too tired and too lazy to walk back. Even though it was something small, I feel bad.
... Dinner last night was toasted bread, Chic Fila sauce with chicken at 9:45pm. All the glamour over here.
... I posted a silly video of my dancing in the kitchen on my Instastories and over 180 people viewed it which made smile and laugh. For some of you, that's peanuts, but for me that's the most views one of my stories has ever received. Guess I need to figure out more dance songs, ha.
... Speaking of a laugh, I had a nice chuckle when I saw WHO was viewing my stories. Talk about some people coming out of the wood work to sneak a peek. Hey, I'll take the numbers from ya.
... My other blog is failing again. I keep getting distracted and annoyed with WORDPRESS. Such a different platform than blogger, one where you need to BUY a premium site to get anything cool. Which I am NOT doing yet.
... Speaking of money, I was way over budget in May and am pushing it again. This isn't a 'teehee I bought two extra shirts I shouldn't have', this is a 'damn everyone I trained is taking a summer break and cash flow is tight' over budget. WE are fine, totally fine. My ego. Not so much.
... Oh and speaking of ego, I let it get in the way over the weekend and it caused a tiff with Le Husband. Which was stupid and mostly on me, but I wanted him to give me some back up and he was just himself and quite. I feel dumb because things have been super awesome lately, we've found our 'this time of life groove' and I messed it up on Saturday night. Everything was fine Sunday, but that's just a night I won't get back.
That's it for this week....what do you have to confess?
June 12, 2018
Back at it with my books this month. Linking up with Steph for 'SHOW US YOUR BOOKS". Again I wasn't able to get ALL the books I read this month for the recap, but bright about half. I've been on a BIIIIIG Kristin Hannah kick [just finished another one] and the three books at the bottom were a RANDOM grab because of their covers. #oooops
As mentioned before, I've been on a Hannah kick so I've snapped up a bunch of her books from the library. This one I hemmed and hawed over, because it is about a couple drifting apart and I wasn't sure I was up for that genre. But, I gave it a whirl and was pleasantly surprised. The story wasn't anything surprising and I was very happy the wife wasn't the pushover she started out to be in the beginning. Lots of little 'relationship' lessons sprinkled in here and there, all on a beautiful Portland backdrop. Five star summer read status.
One of the reasons I enjoy reading books by Kristin Hannah is her propensity to really challenge the reader with tough situations. This book right here made me put it down a few times because I could NOT believe the situation she dreamed up. A tough situation between sisters, one testing the limits of love. In all honesty, it took me longer than I expected to figure out the twist but once I did I already knew how the book would finish. Not the lightest of reads, but still something you could read through quickly to pass the time.
I had high hopes for this book after reading the summary. A little kid getting lost. Bad people roaming around. A sister fight and a cute detective. All adding up to a great plot I thought. But, it dragged on and on and on. I couldn't stand the mother of the child and the way Michaels wrote certain parts were extremely confusing. I was not a fan of one of the side stories at all. Maybe I'm just a lazy reader, who knows. If you need to just pass the time with something this will work, but it won't leave you with that 'i just read a great book' accomplishment at the end.
Reality television in a book is hit or miss for me. Of course the author can take some liberties, but at the crux of the story you KNOW it's bursting the bubble of television shows. Both characters in the book are likable and quite funny, too. I loved all the southern flairs and foods, even though some of the scenery descriptions were long. Not a hard to decipher the plot here, yet still a great way to pass the time.
World War Two told through a woman in Italy. So many twists. So many dark turns. So many times I had to take a step back. I did not enjoy the way the heroine had to suffer in the beginning. It seems trite and honestly just something to make her life harder. There were a few times I was worried about characters and one moment I cried when I realized the tough decisions she had to face. I had to read something light afterwards because this book had me heated about Germans and Italians [back in the day of course]. If you like the Nightingale you'll enjoy this book.
Not as good as Tuscan Rose, but still a wonderful book. My biggest issue is there were a few times I felt the writer was lazy and didn't bring certain endings full circle. She just left them with people leaving the country or dying. It made me quite annoyed. World War Two experienced in Asia, China and Australia which was a very different story. Lots of scenery changes and lots of good plot twists. Give it a whirl if you have a long car ride or some time at the beach.
The last Belinda book and my least favorite. It had a bit of super natural which seemed strange. I understood why she had it happen but it made some things feel inauthentic. I very much enjoyed the main characters growth and again reading history I did not know much about. This book takes place in Spain during Franco's reign. Lots of drama I forgot about. Lots of times I wished people were smarter and left when they should have left. I did not appreciate how one of the stories ended up, it felt fake in a shocking the reader way, which is why I didn't give it four stars. I recommend it, I'm just mad at the author so I'm keeping a half star out.
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There you have it. Some of the books over the last month. What are you reading?