April 25, 2017

When the Bad Self Takes Over the Brain

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"You're not good enough."

"Gosh, when did you get so soft?"

"Everyone else is enjoying life more than you are."

"Why do bad things always happen to me?"

"Her? Yeah, that girl. She's better than you and has everything now."

"Sweet chicken pox facial scars and forehead wrinkle lines. #ugly"

"They're laughing at your picture online."

"You're in this mess because you messed with safety."

"Kiss the easy life goodbye, honey. You chose this, you now live it."

"Those dreams? Yeah, never gonna happen, so stop wasting your time."

All those nasty thoughts you struggle with secretly. All the bad things that go through your head. Don't worry, you're not the only one dealing with them. I constantly battle the bad self. The bad thoughts and more often then not, I battle them away. They get pushed into a box after I count my blessings and remember each day is a gift. Usually I find the good and can move on with a smile.

But.

But, sometimes.

Sometimes the bad self takes over the brain and won't be ignored. Sometimes, I fall down the rabbit hole of self doubt, fear and pity. Sometimes my bright world turns grey as I list all the things wrong with me, my body, my life, my decisions and my world. I find hundreds upon thousands of things I can't change and wallow in the quiet space inside my brain.

My smile dims. My laugh quiets. My motivation dries up like the desert. "Live here" repeats over and over again. An anthem to give up, to recognize the insignificance of myself in such a vast, exotic world. "Nothing". Just, "nothing."

Thoughts and words are powerful. They can shape our existence and our well being. Thankfully, my time with the 'bad self' usually is limited to a few days. Someone, some song, or something usually pulls the clouds away and I revive myself in the sunshine pouring down onto my soul. Tears often richen the soil of my heart and I emerge with goals anew, visions a plenty and an even more grateful heart. Life is a blessing.

Until next time, melancholy. - xx

April 24, 2017

Confession Monday

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I confess . . .

... Today is a struggle after a wedding weekend. I was actually good and didn't stay up too late, it was just a traveling weekend and we hit some traffic on the way home. Sunday was lazier than planned but the naps were needed. Heck. I need one now.

... I hate answering the phone. It's been a part of my last job and current one, but man do I hate it.

... People being ungrateful makes me mad and sad. Complaining constantly just isn't a good look.

... This job seemed like it would lend more time to blogging, but so far, not so much. Will be working on it though, because I have the time just learning about the set up.

... Friday I taped for a new certification and I still haven't uploaded it. That's three days it could have been assessed but our traveling and the stupid incompatibility with my MAC has me behind. Again.

... I haven't been listening to my body like I should. I know when it feels the best and what I need to eat to make it look the best but I've been lazy. And now I'm paying for it. I hate being bloated.

... Even though I'm normally as scardy cat, I am beyond ready for my gallbladder surgery. It happens next month and I cannot wait to get my life back. Send up prayers for me?

... Le Husband's traveling schedule has helped us recenter and get back to the couple we used to be together. I have a post sitting in drafts [not sure if it will ever see the light of day] about how hard it is to struggle with your spouse and life. We still have a lot to work on, but things are slowly getting back to normal.

... I miss Europe!

April 14, 2017

{Just} Another Trip Around the Sun

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Or, the biggest trip yet. Hard to believe friends, hard to believe. Even so, here we are again. My birthday. [Well, tomorrow is the actual day, but I rarely post on Saturdays, so today. We talk today.] The start of a new year, a blank slate. Staring 34 in the face with fear, trepidation, excitement, thankfulness, joy, humility and hope.

364 days ago, Le Husband and I started our great European adventure [which I STILL haven't finished putting here, le sigh]. We toured Europe for a month and then came home and changed states. The past year has flown by it seems, just whoosh.

There have been moments when days felt like years and minutes couldn't pass by quick enough. Days, even on the lake, dragged as we couldn't find a job or our footing in this new space. Our plan was to live with family for a month, maybe two tops. Somehow two turned into six and suddenly we were celebrating the holidays not in a place of our own.

Jobs. Oh, jobs. Ones I applied for back in the summer are still posted on Linkedin. Yeah, those easy jobs I thought I could float into, yep, never happened. Instead, Le Husband worked commissions only for a new company and I took a job I knew I would hate from day one. But, it was the only thing out there and we needed to start making money.

The tears. The frustrations. The feelings of failure. They were all felt during 33. Two of my favorite number, but quite possibly the hardest year of my entire life. Thirty three has challenged me more than any year. Thirty three pushed me beyond my expectations and outside of my comfort zone. Honestly, I don't know where my 'comfort zone' is anymore because everything seems to be uncomfortable.

33 was hard. Beyond hard. Life changing hard. 33  was also incredible. 33 was adventure. Taking a chance. 33 was finally putting words to action and leaping into the unknown. 33 was finding my what and now my why. 33 was falling in love with group fitness and decided to chart a new course. 33 was fresh air and catching my breath all in one.

34 starts as a home owner. 34 is living in a new state and not having a family birthday dinner. 34 is putting the birthdayaholic aside for life and others. 34 is beast mode. 34 is looking inside my heart and declaring what I want for my future. 34 is close to the best shape I've ever been in since college. 34 is lonely at times, still. 34 is learning who I want to be and rebuilding my tribe. 34 is new, fresh, unsoiled, full of possibilities and rife with new challenges. 34 is redemption. 34 is the year of unstoppable.

April 3, 2017

A New Life Begins Today

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Today...

... I woke up earlier than normal with butterflies in my stomach.

... I put on regular clothes instead of black jeans and a black polo.

... I spent more time than normal on my hair and makeup.

... I turned off two exits before my old job.

... I packed a gym bag to work out AFTER work.

... I will be learning a whole new routine.

... I will join a new team.

... I feel as though my life is back in my own hands.

... I start my new fitness instructor routine with FOUR classes a week.

... I begin again.

Wish me luck and have a FABULOUS MONDAY, peaches.