April 3, 2014

About Time

Have you seen the movie?
[source]
If you haven't, I highly, highly suggest that you do. Rachel MacAdams is fabulous, of course, and the rest of the cast does a bang up job too. It will make you laugh, cry, cringe and everything in between. I would also bet money, that it's not quite what you expect. It sure wasn't what I expected.

I promise I'm not giving away the plot twists, but there was a scene
in the movie that almost brought me to my knees.

I was already sad, but then something happened
that made me almost, completely lose it. 

I wasn't just in tears, my heart was hurting.

I would give anything to go back in time, on a certain dreadful day.

Or the week before, just to love her, hug her and tell her 
HOW MUCH SHE MEANT TO ME,
before she went home to be with the Lord. 

But, everyday I'm stuck with words I never got to say,
hugs that I never got to give. 

Stuck with regrets about
how many phone calls I didn't make, 
letters I didn't write
and patience that I didn't have all too often.

As we approach the five year anniversary of my grandmother's death, 
I can't help but get sad all over again.  

She's missed so much these past five years,
and I think about her everyday. 

I'm still incredibly bitter she wasn't here for my wedding.
Even as I type this, bitter tears are clouding my eyes. 
She would have had so much fun and loved EVERY moment.
Gosh, I'm bitter. 

I wish with all my heart, I had the ability to go back in time
and tell her about my special day.
And tell her how much she's missed, daily.
About the dreams that are being realized.
 But I can't. 

So, I write this blog post. 

And I cry.

Dearest Mina-Mo,

Gosh, you are so missed. To the core of us, you are missed. I hope you know that I regret all of the time lost while you were alive. EVERY.DAMN.DAY! I remember all the sweet words you said to me and the advice you gave me, whenever you were around. To this day, I still pick all of my produce from the back, since it's the freshest up there. Sometimes I just do it and think nothing of it, other times I catch myself and tears fill my eyes as I remember you. 

My wedding day was not the same without you. Though I wear your rings and have a necklace with your diamond it is nowhere close to being enough. I only hope you were smiling down on that September day and were proud of the woman I was and the man I married. I think you would like Le Husband. He's like daddy, not much of a talker, which works well with your chatty granddaughter. 

I could go on, but sweet grandmother it's too hard. 

Just know that you are missed, thought of and loved so very much. 

Forever your doll,
Pinky

12 comments:

Jenn said...

I LOVED this movie as well (so did MG, so it's not JUST a chick flick like some people might think).
It definitely makes you reflect and think...and wish even, that it was possible.
Your grandma is definitely watching over you and I'm sure she's SO proud of you and who you've become :)

JumpingJE said...

<3 you're beyond vulnerable in this post and I know miss Mina-Mo knows how you live with her memory close to your heart. Keep these memories and keep feeling all the feels - it's important to grieve no matter how long it's been.

Illegally Blonde said...

I so want to see it and now think I shall rent it Friday.Praying for you as this day approaches and lifting you up to Him. Know that even though she is not here and was not "there" she was with you every step of you wedding and will be a constant presence in your marriage. xoxo

Alisha said...

I wanted to see that movie too. I am also praying for you this week... I can't imagine what you are going though. Just know she is with you, always. :)

Rebecca Virginia said...

beautiful post!

brooke lyn said...

i cried and cried and cried the last hour an hour of this movie. happy, sad, all of the tears! so good

Carolyn said...

BAH!!! Don't get me all emotional girl!! I haven't seen the movie - but I will be now!

Stephanie @ Life, Unexpectedly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Pinky! Many hugs to you! Four years ago, I lost my grandpa while being highly pregnant an ocean and a landmass away. By the time we returned to Germany, he's been cremated and buried. Don't ask me why, but I don't want to visit his grave, it's no place for me. But I see him in Violet's smile sometimes..

Katie Elizabeth said...

Okay, I need to see this movie! And losing grandparents is one of the hardest things. I'm so sorry about your grandmother! I'm sure she is loving this post :)

Jessica said...

I read this post, sweet girl, and it made me think of my grandmother - who passed away about 8 years ago. So many of the feelings you shared are feelings that I know all too well. Our grandmothers were very special ladies - as evidenced by the memories/legacy they've left behind for us. It's our job to make sure that we make them proud and do our best to be like them! Thinking of you, friend.

Kristen said...

i loved loved loved this movie. my favourite part was the ending - there are definitely parts i wish i could redo, see people i've lost, or change things, relive the best parts.. but in the end, its lovely to live in the moment, you know? except for death, of course. there are many people i would give up the present for, if only for a moment! i really enjoyed this movie. and im so sorry for your loss, lady, big hugs.

Courtney B said...

Uuuuugh, I'm totally crying now. This hits so close to home after losing my Grandma a couple weeks ago. I'm so sorry, my sweet friend! I wish I could give you a big hug right now!