Things have been a lil quiet here, huh? I wish with all my heart it was just because life is too busy, I don't have time or something of that nature. But, sadly, that is not the case. I've been quiet because I've needed space, time to process and time to heal.
Two Fridays ago, my father's mother, dearest Grandmama, went to be with Jesus. This time two weeks ago I was woken up by 645am texts of her fading fast and suddenly everything planned for the day fell away. Suddenly I was booking a same day flight in hopes of making it to San Antonio before her final breath. Coordinating flights, plans and schedules all before my front desk job seemed like an eternity and a blink at the same time. Not being able to freak out with hugs from my family was so hard, talking through the phone instead of being there with them hurt, a lot.
My dad managed to get out early Friday morning to be with his siblings to help make decisions about health. Grandmama did not have an easy life and dealt with many medical issues and one thing two weeks prior began the deterioration that ultimately led to her last breath. In the blink of an eye, flights booked to say goodby became flights booked for a funeral. I honestly have NO IDEA how I made it through work that day. How I didn't just burst into tears every time someone asked me how I was doing or said 'smile, it's Friday'! Keeping it together was the hardest thing and I almost didn't make it through the plane rides. I wanted to lose it when my dad picked me up but it was midnight and I knew the last thing he needed was me sobbing so I was strong for him. But oh I wept quietly later. I'm forever grateful to my prayer warriors who covered me in grace and were there for me when I felt I was going to lose it.
The weekend was a blur of trying to figure out service arrangements, coordinating with family, tears, laughter, memories and so much food. I'm grateful my family gets a long so well and grateful for my incredible cousins. We were able to bond even tighter over this tragedy and shared some hilarious moments looking through pictures in Grandmama's home. The service was short, beautiful and heartbreaking. Watching my father and his two brothers cry tore me apart, and watching his sister cry hurt so much. I haven't felt that raw since my mother's mom's funeral.
Most of the time I'm a silver lining kind of gal, but I honestly find no silver lining in death. It is too final. It is too hard. It is too sad for me to be able to find the good. My FAITH leads me to believe in heaven and eternal joy with Him in His holy kingdom. FAITH brings me comfort knowing Grandmama is no longer in pain. Her body was so tired after struggling for so long and I find peace knowing her earthly battle is complete. But I am ANGRY she is gone. I'm once again ANGRY things took such a sudden and quick turn and there was NO preparation.
No time to remind her how much I loved her. No time for a last kiss, hug, letter, laugh or story. My last physical moment with her was at my sister's after wedding brunch. JUST TWO WEEKS BEFORE she was on the dance floor at the wedding. We had a few simple moments over the weekend and my heart just BREAKS knowing those were my last fleeting moments with her. Gosh, if I could do it all over I'd hug her and hold her so much longer.
I ache for my father and his siblings. I ache for their pain at losing a mother. I can't imagine it and won't even think about it right now. Losing a grandmother is hard enough for this lil heart. Every day since has been tough in it's own way. Right now some days are easier than others and some I just want to ball up and cry all day. I don't because I can't but that doesn't mean I don't want the world to stop. Death always thrusts that in our face, doesn't it? While we grieve and our world crumbles, the rest of the world goes about as if nothing has happened. It sucks!
Le Husband set up a trip last weekend as a semi anniversary trip and a semi clear your head trip and it did wonders for my mood and my heart. I still find myself not believing she's gone. I still berate myself for not writing her more letters or calling her more often. If you're reading this, REACH OUT TO YOUR LOVED ONES! DO IT NOW so you aren't in my place.
To those of you who've already reached out, THANK YOU! Your texts, messages, Instagram comments, Facebook words, phone calls and emails mean more than you could ever know. Death brings on feelings of isolation, but friends and family bring you back to the world. So, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!
As the pastor said in the service "The burden of death never goes away. You never get over losing someone. You just get stronger, day by day and soon you are strong enough to live carrying the burden of loss". Today is another day to get stronger, Pinky. Today is another day to get stronger.