February 7, 2017

Trying to Find My Light


And holy Sh*t has my pink ass been kicked. Every time I wanted to come here and write, decompress and veg out I couldn't because I didn't have the energy. Why? Because I'm not sleeping. Why? Because I'm constantly practicing or teaching classes. Why? Because my job is bananas and barely gives me time to breathe. Why? Because we just bought a town house and there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done. 

I have been a tired soul. The toll of life hurt my heart and my brain and I have been so emotionally, physically and mentally fatigued. It was all I could do to get out of bed and roll into work. The only, O N L Y piece of joy came teaching group fitness. The hour I could zone out with the music and my members gave me a piece of my soul back, but it was never, ever enough. Class ended too soon and suddenly it was back to horrible, stressful, awful reality.

When I say I'm not sleeping, I'm talking newborn parents not sleeping. I'm up EVERY HOUR, like clockwork. Through new hires I've managed to put together a pretty great team and my overnight guy is money now. So, you'd think I'd be okay to sleep knowing he'd be there...nope. Every night, for weeks, no sleep. I finally made a doctors appointment and have been using different plans to combat symptoms but have yet to find an actual cure. When I sleep for five hours I feel like a million bucks and have thankfully had a few of those nights recently. But the normal three hours of collective sleep is slowly crushing me.

I had no idea the toll no sleep and all this stress was taking until my boss at work asked me if I was okay. A dude, y'all, a dude. He point blank asked me if my quality of life was okay because I looked awful. I answered him truthfully and said no, I'm not okay. Because, y'all, I wasn't. 

I am so stressed about money. I have made friends but don't do anything because I don't want to spend money.  I am so over my job. I hate the stress, even though I've now created a stellar team. I'm over the bullshit, the new initiatives and slogans. They legit don't pay me enough and it's hard to have buy-in when you're not getting compensated for your work. I want to be in the fitness world, but operations is NOT for me. All of this stress doesn't just stay with me at work, I bring it home. 

Want to put stress on your marriage? Try quitting your jobs, moving to a new state without jobs, live in someone else's home for six months [four months longer than anticipated], get a new stressful job, buy a home on a teeny salary and then try to move in during the winter and busiest time of the year for said job. Yeah, it's been super peachy here. We are learning together and growing together, which is good, just so the opposite of easy.

Life has been dark, so dark and I've struggled to find the light at the end of my tunnel. I know there has to be one, but it's so dim and far away I wonder if it exists or is just a figment of my imagination. Last week brought me some extra light from friends in response to an Instagram post. My faithful cheerleaders showed up and helped me realize it is achievable and it can be done, I just have to faith and continue to work hard. So that is what I will do. I will continue to show up to the arena and get my ass kicked. I will continue to bring my light into the darkness and look ahead. I will continue to try and achieve my goals and find the finish line ahead. One step forward, one day at a time.


12 comments:

Katie Elizabeth said...

Praying for you, friend. I'm happy to see you back here, but totally understand why you've been away. I'll be thinking of you and let me know if there is anything I can do!!! Sending you lots of love!

Nikki @ makeupHER said...

I cannot fathom how much stress you are going through girl. I hope things work themselves out and you can get some sleep!!

Rebecca Jo said...

Bless your heart... I cant even imagine.
I'm glad that even though its hard on your marriage right now, you're finding you're both growing & learning... you need each other right now in it all.
Praying for some rest for your body & rest for your spirit soon!

Jen said...

You are amazing my friend! You have so much going on but you are doing it and you are going to come out on top just as you always do!

Brianne said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. My thoughts & prayers are with you. You got this!!

Kate at Green Fashionista said...

I'm so sorry to hear you've been so stressed and haven't been sleeping. Sleep deprivation is no joke! Sending lots of *hugs* sweet friend <3
Green Fashionista

Laura Darling said...

I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a tough time! I really hope things start looking up for you soon!

Sara Blinder said...

It's amazing how important sleep is for our physical and mental state. Crossing my fingers that everything starts coming together soon.

Mrs.Grits said...

I have been there! Still getting out of a dark place, but I know it is the hardest when you are in the thick of it. Sending prayers your way for peace and renewed energy. ;-)

Carly Blogs Here said...

Even when it's harder than normal to find the light at the end of the tunnel for what you're feeling, I hope you know you are still such a light for others. Not only in your encouragement, but in how honest and open and vulnerable you're being in your experiences. It's so refreshing to hear someone sharing their feelings, even when they might not be "pretty", because so many people struggle but feel the need to hold it in. You have so much going on, but so many positive things (a new house, new staff you trust, etc), I will keep praying that you are able to find some peace and get back on a regular sleep schedule hopefully soon!

Emily said...

Oh goodness sweet friend! I'm sorry to hear life has been stressful and not being able to sleep it off or relax can definitely take a toll. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction with your new townhouse purchase. Congrats!! But I hope that light at the end of the tunnel comes quicker now that you've experienced some of the more tougher times. Sending hugs and warm ones from FL xx

Sara Elizabeth Miller said...

Hugs, friend. I do understand... and I'm just in awe of how you get up and give everything ALL that you have. You do need to take care of you though. When other people are checking on you, that's real. I'm glad that you've put together a good team - it's a godsend for sure.

I love that you keep it real... and I'll always be here reading... whenever you decide to put things out there.

But yeah... you just bought a house. Money is going to be tight for a little while. It will get better though. <3 <3 <3