October 25, 2010

"Being a happy couple is a healthy thing"

RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean right?!?!?!?!

"He knows you"
"You know him"
"You have a good foundation"
"He knows how to commit, it's a good thing"

So WHY AM I WAITING FOR THE BOTTOM TO DROP OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like Addison Montgomery on Private Practice. I was not a fan of her character on Grey's Anatomy though because I truly thought Meredith and Derek should be together, but I digress. On PP she has a spine, she stands up for what she believes in, except in a relationship. She is always getting the short end of the stick, many times by her own hand. However, so far in the current season her love life is going HER way. She has the guy, things are great in every way possible, AND SHE IS OVERANALYZING and WAITING and EXPECTING it to go south.

Does she sound like someone you know?!? Yeah I'm talk to you -->P!NKY<--!!!

The quotes above are from the PP last week and while I was watching it(atwork..shh) I found myself realizing, OMGOSH, I'm ADDISON! (minusthecrazyrelationshipsamazingdoctorpartplusmyChristianmoralspart). I am always trying to plan 5 steps ahead so I won't get hurt. And when things are good...almost perfect...I'm looking past it and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the fun quirky side of the relationship, but I haven't fully LOST myself in the feeling, in the meaning, in the relationship.

I have NEVER said I love you first...EVEREVEREVER! I do my best to not let myself get attached too quickly to the actual person. I do get attached to the idea of having SOMEONE (anyone) as THAT person who is always there for you though. But, I have always managed to keep it to a very generic feeling, like a friend. I mean, that's the worst part about breakups for me. Losing that FRIEND...that PERSON who is there and gets you and sees you in a certain way. But, I digress. (I do that ALOT)!

My sisters and friends always tell me "Relax, don't think so much. Let things happen." But I rarely can. I mean, I do just let things happen, I don't voice my concerns to the boyfriend or anything. I don't change around them. I am not the whiny girl constantly wanting to talk about feelings and such. Nope, I just shut it off in a nice little compartment in myself and just let it sit there....and sit there....just waiting for that 1 thing! That 1 tiny little thing that starts the beginning of the end.

THE END...that's all I've known with relationships. I've been broken up with and I've initiated the break up. I've had good, mutual break ups. I've been blindsided and hurt. I've been the one to blindside and hurt as well. As I am sure everyone has. But, I've never known the concept of forever. I thought I knew it with my first boyfriend in college, but looking back it was puppy love and innocent.

This post is going all over the place, so let me see if I can get myself back on track. Things are good with C and me. We hang out all the time (which is a BIG deal for me). We compliment each other in a way I never knew was possible in my life. We tease each other but it's always in good fun. There is a real equalness in power within the relationship, I really don't feel there is a tilt either way. I miss him throughout the day at work, but don't feel the need to be in constant contact with him and vice versa. He supports me and I support him. He gets the contradiction of my Christian faith and trying to fit in with the secular world (post for another day of course). He calls me honey or baby which I love. He makes breakfast in the morning. He lets me create my own space at his place. He stays up late waiting for my athletic games to be over. He gets along with my family. HE'S ALMOST PERFECT!

AND I AM FREAKING OUT!

Because I feel I can't compete with him. I don't know how he feels, he doesn't talk about it. But seriously, how many guys do? And, we're at just over 3 months. And that's when things always happen with me. SOMETHING always comes along around now....and I'm WAITING to see what it is. However, I don't know how to address this to C. 'Hey honey, just an FYI, we're gonna have something bad happen in our relationship soon.' Yeah, I bet he'd LOVE THAT! So, of course I won't say anything. My drama is stored in my compartment as usual and I will just sit back and wait.

and wait.
and wait.

For this wonderful thing to combust...because, hey, that's what I do.


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