***Before you read this post there are two things to note. 1] 90% of this was written stream of consciousness a few months ago and has been sitting in my drafts since then. I made it readable within the last few days but the sentiments are that of earlier this year 2] I am not sharing this for head pats or as comment bait. I use this blog as a living journal and know there will come a time where I want to look back on this journey and see EVERYTHING***
The big move is upon us and quite soon we will be sharing the news with everyone. Our good friends and family have known for awhile but soon work, sports teams and the blog world will know and that is a little frightening. There is no turning back once the news is out there. Well of course there is, we can always turn back, however once we share everything it will be quite embarrassing to 'chicken out' and not move forward. And if I'm honest with myself, the fact that everyone will know will make it more real. It will make it a 'do or die' situation in my head and I'm truly terrified we might fail miserably in front of everyone.
I heard a sermon recently where the pastor prayed for God to shake his family up so they could find the truth and a better life. Funny enough I chuckled to myself when I heard that as I thought "why would you pray for that? Seems kind of stupid to me". But then here we are, dropping everything and moving somewhere new. There are avenues here for us to be happy, maybe not as happy as we wish, but happy still. And we'd have friends and family close if anything unexpected were to arise. Yet, we are looking elsewhere for our happiness and trying to forge a new life in a new place because we want something other than what is right in front of us.
As I sit here listening to Le Husband cook dinner in our lil kitchen I find myself wondering if we are choosing the right path. We aren't rich, but we do enjoy a disposable income and can take trips at the drop of a hat. Apartment living isn't for everyone and we are ready for a home, but not being strapped down by a mortgage has allowed us some opportunities we otherwise would have had to decline. Are we ready to say no to impromptu trips and extravagances? Do we really want to put ourselves on a stricter budget? Do I want to have to really thing hard about gifts for others because of our personal finances? Will we miss out on holidays with family due to a new job or too expensive plane tickets?
I'm walking away from a perfectly good and probably what most would call 'a cushy job' for nothing. Obviously I will be pursing a job in Tennessee, doing what exactly remains to be seen, but I'm preparing for a pretty hefty pay cut due to cost of living and job opportunities. The percentage scares me more now as it becomes more real and I see possible months going by without money coming in while I search. BODYPUMP might be a bit of saving grace since a transfer seems to be easy enough, still the money I make teaching will be peanuts compared to what I bring in currently. And please don't even get me started on creating resume, cover letter and going on interviews. My heart palpitates thinking about the hiring process now and I worry I'm the 'old dinosaur' in a sea of college graduate youngins. I dreaded the 'have you found a job yet?; question when I was a senior in college, I can't imagine how much worse it is going to be now at 33 as weeks, possibly months go by with no new job.
All of the doubt and fear I've had previously is now compounded because my boss has changed her mind on my end date and the few weeks I thought I'd have to play with are now gone. I'm still praying she will change her mind and I can bank a few extra paychecks, however new business policies [of course NOW] seem to make that less and less likely. Admittedly my confidence has been shaken, all of a sudden what seemed to be the best idea in the world is now feeling more like a stupid chance.
What is the difference between carpe diem and being reckless? What makes taking a chance for a better life different than just changing scenery because I'm bored? Is striking it out 'on our own' really something we need to do or something we want to prove to ourselves and others? I am quite terrified to thinking about not having a paycheck or becoming house poor. The thought of not having my sisters 20 minutes away scares me and don't even get me started on the thought of finally decided to start a family away from 'home'.#letsnotgetaheadofourselves
Right now I'm all worded out. There really is no point in this post, just a word vomit of emotions and thoughts that need to get out of my head. Hopefully putting them here will help me collectively take a deep breath and charge on with our new adventure. The die are cast now and so we must move forward. We have so much to get done so there really isn't time for wallowing and worrying. Excited doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about our European trip, I seriously cannot wait. The move has me a bit more apprehensive, which I think is normal, but it is something I need to get over.
I do know this, Le Husband and I have been stagnant for too long and it is now time to put our plan of talk into action. We must embrace the next few months of disarray to hopefully get to the other side we've always dreamed about. Time to turn the doubt around, put on my big girl sparkly pants and attack the future with hope and a smile.