Hashtag So Worth It

This weekend was:

... a car road trip starting at 6am.

... seven+ hours in the car in three days.

... two stops for gas.

... very little sleep.

... getting surprises and schedules married up on the sly.

... lots of tears.

... crazy when a deer brushed the side of my car.

... lots of cooking and cleaning.

... festive movies, clothing and sing a longs.

... one of the most fun surprises I've ever been a part of.

... 100% worth every hard moment and frustration to see the surprise on each family members' face.

I LOVE MY FAMILY! This weekend was long and I'm exhausted, but it's what you do for FAMILY!

I'm beyond exhausted and paying for all the fun now. Send me some extra energy, please!

The Good...The Bad...The Ugly

The Good...
I passed another initial training over the weekend. I took a chance with BODYCOMBAT because it is way outside my essence and I made it through with a 3/3 pass. My trainers were incredible and my training team was so supportive. I walked away from this training a lot more sure of myself within the Les Mills world. I also walked away with high praise from my fellow instructors and from one of my trainers. Despite still feeling 'new' to BODYPUMP and ATTACK, I was told I "OWNED THE STAGE" whenever I presented and that meant a lot coming from a trainer. I'll take that nugget now and grow in my classes which makes me excited to teach once again. There was also movement on my overall goal within the Les Mills tribe and very good feedback when I expressed where I wanted my journey to go. I love the fitness world and each training reminds me of the fire I have to help create a healthier world.

The Bad...
My job sucks donkey balls. Sorry for the vulgarity, but there is no other way to express how I feel. It sucks and it sucks badly. Managing people is HARD and managing people who don't take their jobs seriously is stressful beyond belief. I've had multiple no call no shows and it causes so much stress and frustration for me. I'm still struggling to understand I can't control people and if they don't show up, that's not my fault and not a reflection on me. I've only hired ONE person and some of the people I've inherited have been disappointing. The corporate culture here is also tough as our management team has been thrown multiple curveballs, multiple times a week and even a day. I'm lucky to have a supportive GM and an FM who I consider a friend. 75% of my team is amazing and I have five people I can count on no matter what which has helped numerous times.

The Ugly...
I am slowly stressing out about my job, my life and soon my health is going to start suffering. The no call no shows at work have stressed me out to the max. Each call in the early morning ruins my day and I honestly can feel my body breaking down. I don't do well without sleep and I can barely sleep two hours before waking up thinking my phone is going to ring. I cry, ALL.THE.TIME because I feel like I'm failing on so many levels. I miss my family like crazy, am so so so so sad about my sister leaving and not being able to be home to hang with her, I barely find time to eat at work, I work 8+ hour days without a break to get work done and then get in trouble for going into overtime. I worry I won't get away for Christmas and I fear I'll never be able to take a day off of work. This also affects my fitness goals because worrying about people not showing up means I might not try to attend trainings and that kills me. I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO AND WHAT I WANT TO DO, I just can't seem to make this job work for that end goal.

The IT GETS BETTER!!!!
The first three paragraphs were brought to you on Sunday evening. After I wrote my note to Jason, which I almost didn't post because it felt too sad this time of year, but I needed to be true to me so on the blog it published. Losing Jason really hurt and really put me in a bad place for a few days. Work was a mess and I just felt like the biggest failure on earth. But then, my big boss showed up to check on her lil baby OM and really helped me put things into perspective. I learned how to manage my time better and she even helped me figure out how I can find a day off here and there which means a lot. Nothing about this job is easy, but my mentors and support system both make it manageable when I think I'm going to break. I've renewed my resolve and set a MUST MAKE goal. I can get there, I know it.

Dear Jason... I'm Sorry

Dear Jason,

How do I start this letter? Honestly, I can't believe I'm writing it now. Four days later and everything still doesn't seem real. When Sportyspice texted me the news I was in shock. I responded back What the F*$&, (which probably made you laugh since I rarely cussed around you).

She had to be lying, I couldn't be reading the words she texted, they just COULDN'T be real. But they were, all too real. Driving down I-40 sobbing I somehow made it to work. Jason, what happened? Why? Why did this happen? Why are you gone and not here anymore?

There is so much left unsaid and it breaks my heart because it's my fault. Your base was only four hours away from here and I had no idea because we hadn't talked in so long due to our falling out. Did you know you were on my heart the past few weeks? Did you know I was thinking of reaching out to you, and then my job got in the way and every time I thought about it I got distracted and forgot until the next day? Did you know I worried about you even though that was no longer my place? That I checked up on Facebook when you had important posts? I'd like to think yes, yet a big part of my heart knows you probably thought we were still where we ended when you didn't come to my wedding. 

Man did that hurt. And it shows today because that's what drove this wedge. I still don't understand why you didn't come and why you didn't tell me before when I asked. You were my big brother and every time we talked about the wedding you were excited, asking if I wanted you in military dress or just a suit. Talking about how you'd make sure to have a chat with Le Husband at the reception. You were always my protector, ever since you were my college RA sophomore year. That's when you became my big brother and I your little sis. We made people do a double take when we talked like family. You knew that stupid college boyfriend didn't deserve me and offered to 'take care of it' whenever he acted a fool. I loved how you and my Dad got along and how you both connected. It made me happy because I knew you didn't have the best relationship with your father. Being there for your commissioning with my Dad is a memory I'll always cherish because we were BOTH so proud of you. 

Our argument seems so stupid right now, funny huh? Sad it takes you being GONE FROM THIS WORLD for me to understand how STUPID holding a grudge can be and how short a time we have here on earth. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. 

I know I was your person for a time and I should have been there for you, always. I'm not going to put your business out there, but I knew the things you dealt with and we had many a long nights talk about the importance you had in this world and how important you were to people. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the past few years. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you realized you needed a career change. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during the hard times and the happy times. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help whenever you needed it. 

And, Jason, I'm so sorry you left here without me telling you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you. My eyes fill, my heart breaks and my soul hurts every time I think of you now. I messed up and I'll pay for it the rest of my life. I will do whatever I can to make sure your daughter knows HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HER. She will also know how incredible you were and your impact on this world. 

I don't want to sign off, that makes this so final. But it is final, which hurts, sucks and kills me. Our country owes a debt to you and I owe you more than you know. I take comfort that you are with Shane now and can only imagine the good natured trouble you both are causing in heaven. Watch out for us, here. Your guidance, smarts, good manners, kind words and loving demeanor will be missed greatly, so sprinkle a lil bit here and there when you can. 

I love you, Jason. Godspeed.

Goodbye... Hello

[source]

Goodbye...

... family weekend of Thanksgiving.

... first month at work.

... beautiful fall foliage and mild temperatures.

... blog schedule I tried to put in place.

... easy breezy moments.

////////////////////////////////////

Hello...

... month of Christmas cheer, holly jolly festivities, Advent and Christmas music.

... first Christmas month away from my family.

... Christmas tree decorating, cookie making, Christmas light looking.

... cold, cold, cold.

... transitional holiday season.

... glasses of wine to celebrate in the evenings.

... first overnight call and 2am - 6am shift.

... possible last month without our own place.

... moments of anxiety, feelings of overwhelming holy crap, questioning this job choice.

... being behind on blog posts, comments, television shows and workouts.

... new initial training and Les Mills certification.

Thoughts This First of December

New job: This job is bananas. Seriously, bananas. I walk into the gym in the morning with a plan and everyday that plan is changed and put to the test. Nothing starts the way it should and there is always SOMETHING I'm chasing to get done. I wanted a job not behind a computer and and did I get it. I'm on my feet constantly, either behind the desk checking people in or walking around trying to get things put away or handled. My boss is very supportive and I'm a huge fan of my coworker [oh hey single ladies in the area, holla me] which is good, but scheduling and managing a team of 16 is tough. Something is always going on, someone is always quitting, someone is always not showing up, someone is always asking for help. But, thankfully, someone is always stepping up, someone is always offering to help, someone is always filling the gap. Yet, the trying to get it all handled stresses me to the max. I'm not sleeping as well because I'm always worried about someone calling out overnight and I'm getting anxious driving into the parking lot because I never know what I'm walking into in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I know this is a great experience for my resume, but I already know this is NOT the career for me. I think I'll stay with the company as long as I can, but I don't know how long I'll last in this environment because of scheduling. We will see what the future brings and I'm gonna stick it out for awhile until I can get where I want with a job.
Being nomads: Okay, we're not really nomads, we have a place to live and have since we moved in June. However, it's someone else's home, not ours and it's tough. We are ever so blessed, but it's tough. Especially right now around the holidays. All I see online are people posting pictures of THEIR trees, THEIR decorations, THEIR traditions and at the moment we have NONE. There is NOTHING ours so there is nothing to decorate and make festive. I had a really down in the dumps moment when we came home on Sunday because I knew the Christmas season was right around the corner and there was nothing of ours to decorate. And then Monday happened. My aunt and uncle decorated their home and asked me to help them with the tree and it was the greatest time. We drank some wine, put on some Christmas music, forgot about the time and just enjoyed the moment. Being part of a new tradition brought me a new perspective on our transitional holiday season. I'm sad I'm missing out on our old traditions but look forward to experiencing and loving our new Tennessee life. Right now I'm sharing some wine with family and friends while they chat together and we listen to Christmas music. All in all, life is blessed and I'm thankful for all the good.

The big move: No, I'm not talking about my big move, I'm talking about my sister's. She is moving in January and as the date loom closer and closer I've started to feel more and more sad and anxious. As I've stated before, I know moving is just part of life and my family has been beyond lucky and blessed for being so closely located for so long. However, knowing change is part of life and being happy with change is two different things. I lost it over Thanksgiving because I realized how far away Arizona truly is from here. It is NOT drivable for a weekend. It is NOT a trip on just a whim. It is something to be planned and take vacation for and that means time away from my job. As stupid as it is to write at 33, I am NOW for the first time realizing how much my job can dictate my life, and the fact I can't just up and drive for a sissy reunion breaks my heart. I'm PROUD and excited for my sister, 100%! I'm just sad I won't be able to hug her and smell her and touch her and see her whenever I want. I'm so going to miss my best friend.

Future plans: Oh the future, what a scary and exciting thought right? I've kept this quiet because I didn't want to jinx it, but now I'm putting it into the universe as positive affirmation. Le Husband and I put an offer on a townhouse and potentially could close in the beginning of January. It's been crazy getting everything together for the loan and figuring out where we wanted to live. The location is phenomenal and I'm so hopeful everything will work out for us. I'm also starting to ponder the future of my job, my goals and what I want to do fitness-wise. I know where I want to be, I know what I want to do, I just don't know how I'll get there and how long it will take. Along those lines, I'm not sure where we stand with kids. Originally I thought we'd start a family next year but as of now it will be later than 2017 for sure. We need to be more stable [home and money wise], I need to feel more comfortable with a job future and we both definitely need to feel more ready to be parents.

This blog: Am I wasting my time? Do you all enjoy reading? Will I be happy I have this in a few years? Honestly, I don't know. I took some time to look through posts from this time last year and WOW, I was so much more on the ball and was so involved with y'all. And now, I just don't have the same amount of time and am so tired when I get home I barely open my MAC. I miss you guys, I miss my friends and I miss my community. I keep saying I want to come back, but I wonder if it's really in the cards. If it's something I need to be doing with my time. I might start a fitness blog, because I am getting my PT cert and thinking about doing an online business. Who really knows right now. But, know that even though I'm scarce, I'm still here and I'm still reading. It is usually on my phone when I can't comment, but I'm still here so don't leave me yet.

So that's me, y'all. What's going on with you?