Savor The Season

Savor. Hold fast. Remember this moment in time, for it is fleeting.

After writing my post last week, I took a step back and marinated in my thoughts. I won't lie, it felt good to get the feelings out of my head and onto (virtual) paper. To express nostalgia for easier times and vent about tough times. Words and thoughts have power and keeping everything inside was taking a toll and I'm so grateful to you for your kind words. They meant so, so, so much.

I am not 100% normal, yet. And until I see final numbers at the end of the month my little worrying part of my brain won't turn off. But, there is MORE peace. There is more JOY. There is more savoring in my life.

Savoring the kicking inside my belly.

Savoring our little townhouse with just the two of us for the last time.

Savoring the lights at night, no matter how late I get home.

Savoring watching Christmas movies together.

Savoring this Advent.

Savoring the hard work and hardship of this season because next year it will be different.

Savoring being 23 weeks and people noticing my belly and sending me well wishes.

Savoring the anticipation of going home for Christmas with my family.

This playlist, especially the first song Light of the World, has brought me much peace and joy throughout this season of life. When it all seems too much I remeber, Love came down at Christmas and the Light of the World was given to us by a gracious God. Through Him, with Him, in Him, life will work and I will be okay. 

Decembers Past & Present

Nostalgia has hit me hard this month. I'm sure I'm not alone, as the holidays tend to remind us of the good/bad things in life, but this year I've found myself especially nostalgic. Of looking back at what was back in the day. And note, this isn't meant to be an upper or a downer. I've always strived to be real here. TO share the good and the bad and not hide behind 'a fake life'. To each their own, but that's not me. If you're having the best Christmas season ever, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! If this season is harder than ever, I'M HERE FOR YOU!

2010: My first Christmas knowing Le Husband. We didn't do Christmas with each other until we were married, but it was fun celebrating with my boyfriend at the time. We didn't do anything major together, but started small traditions while in DC.

short hair, wow!

2013: Our first married Christmas. We spent time the holiday together for the first time (with my family) and began our own family traditions. Setting up our tree, going to church together, waking up together on Christmas morning and not having to talk through a phone was the best thing ever.

He was sooooo annoyed I made him take this picture :)

2015: Our last Christmas living in DC. It was quite bittersweet as we hadn't told many people our decision to move and we celebrated a few lasts quietly. It was also a super fun Christmas because the next day we left for a Christmas cruise to celebrate Mama B's 60th birthday.

The FAMILY

2016: Our first Christmas in Tennessee. It was so tough, y'all. So stinking tough. The actual holiday was spent with Le Husband's family in Ohio and it was much shorter than normal due to my gym job. I was a complete mess because we were still living with my aunt & uncle and Le Husband and I were fighting all the time. We were so frustrated with our jobs, our lack of having our own place, our living on top of each other and my inability to sleep. I cried all the time and almost missed my sister's going away party because I didn't know HOW to get time off. I was so grateful a higher up in the company forced me to take the weekend off and I spent much of the eight hour drive to DC crying. Oh and we were trying to put in an offer on a house and it was miserable with all the paperwork. Thankfully it all worked out and before New Year's we set our closing date.

SISTERS!

2017: The year I expected everything to be better. The December that started out with so much promise. So much joy. So much expectation and ease. We were in our FIRST HOME. With our FIRST real tree and our first year of OUR OWN TRADITIONS. I was in a job I didn't love but it caused me NO stress (except taking time off) and allowed me to get my PT cert. I wasn't fullfilled but the money was fine and I as beginning to plan my goals in 2018. And then came the surprise announcement. The reorganization that rendered my position redundant. The unexpected after work meeting with my boss informing me I no longer had a job and even though I would be paid until the end of the year, I no longer needed to come to work. To the job that held my insurance. To the job that allowed me to dream of better. I was beyond devastated as Le Husband was out of town for work and I was meeting him Ohio for Christmas so I cried alone for multiple two nights until I could get myself to Ohio. My wonderful, bright and beautiful December as turned upside down and even though I enjoyed my extra long Christmas break it was hard not to feel like a failure and lose some joy.

Cheers to a healthy husband. 

2018: Here we are now. And friends, I wish it were a happy fabulous Christmas season. I really, really do. I'm so tired of having hard Christmas seasons. I'm so ready for the relaxation and ease I used to feel. Yes I count my blessings, but it's so hard right now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Before July it was supposed to be a different job, with easier hours and less stress. But, nope again. I'm currently sitting here, mask on my face, Christmas cards just stamped, a movie on as I try to grasp the LAST LITLE BIT OF chill before I work 9 days straight. Because I can't get behind again. Because I can't not hit numbers this month. Because it could come down to me not having a job in the New Year. I have a post in the works about how hard my job has been for me and how I keep trying to find the GOOD or the reason for it, so I'll just say sales is hard and I really can't wait until maternity leave. Which is another thing. I should feel NOTHING but joy about this new phase of life. This sweet, precious baby [kicking me as I type] will be in my arms next year. I should be thinking of that, should be holding on to THIS feeling of just the two of us and dreaming of fun traditions next year. However, I'm barely making time for holiday fun. I'm worrying about numbers instead of the season and I'm desperately clinging to hope of it will all work out. On the outside I've put on a good face. I'm not crying. I'm not freaking out to friends/family. I'm not stressing Le Husband. But inside, I'm barely keeping it together. I was good for a bit, but then I realized it's crunch time. Even if I feel like crap I have to work because of the four days I'm taking off to be with my family. Which I can't wait for. We are so close to a wonderful family Christmas, I just need to get there. I just need to be present and let everything else go.

Show Us Your Books

Y'all, I'm here. I made it for the Show Me Your Books. This is only a bit of what I've read the past few months but I'll take it as  a win right now. Most of my picks are light hearted because of the past season of life, however a few made me think and realize my problems aren't really all that awful. I'm so grateful for literature and fiction, two things which usually never disappoint. What have you been reading lately?

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The story of one spouse always supporting the other and the kids and then finally saying enough. Lots of hyperbole and metaphors and family strife, but with love. You'll feel you know part of the story and then be surprised. And then you'll be right, too. I'm always happy when a flawed character realizes their flaws and activity tries to change it instead of just whining. Fun read. 

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I've expressed my enjoyment of Flukes series and this one fit perfectly with her mystery recipes of past books (see what I did there?), ha! Sadly the victim in this book is a well known character and that stupidly made me sad. But, we finally get some idea as to the whereabouts of Hannah's husband, finally! Good easy read for a trip on a plane, in the car or just something fun and light to pass the time. 

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What an intriguing story. I was hooked from the beginning and really enjoyed all of the characters. Some of the plot was predictable and some had me going 'oh wow', which is how I like a book, honestly. Hannah works some magic here with her writing and I'm all about being spellbound by a story. I think most people will enjoy this book whatever your taste.

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Love me a good mystery and this one had twists upon twists upon WTHs. This book has been described as similar to 'Gone Girl' (which I never read) and 'Girl on the Train' (which I didn't really enjoy) and I would just describe it as a thrilling mystery. The characters are all flawed and it was hard to decide who did it because of alllll the jumping from before and current. Definitely one to read if you need to pass the time quickly.

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Heartbreaking. Harrowing. Infuriating. Confusing. This book is going to touch your heart and piss you the hell off. I am still baffled this book is based on a true story and after doing a little research I can't believe the woman responsible was never truly held accountable. As a curious cathy I felt some of the storylies could have been fleshed out a little bit more because quite a few just ended suddenly. This will grip you and will probably be a book you can't put down.

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* * * * 1/2

I found this book because I searched for Downton Abbeyesque books. The storyline intrigued me and after reading a preview and I thought, why not. I was fascinated by the characters, storyline and heartbroken with part of the story. The heroine has guts, is resourceful and is definitely someone you can cheer for throughout the book. 

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I do not understand the fascination with this book throughout blogland/instagram. I'm a big fan of Hannah, but this book was not what I expected and definitely didn't live up to the hype. The main characters frustrated the hell and no, I'm not victim blaming. I just don't understand why this story was so fascinating when it really was super drawn out and the same situation over and over again.

TBB: Holiday Edition

1. Candy canes? YES, but only peppermint ones.
2. Christmas morning early riser or sleep in? Normally sleeping in, but with our niece probably early this year.
3. Did you shop on Black Friday? Nope, I worked it. Be nice to associates in stores, it's a long day.
4. Christmas tree up in November? Normally I try for the weekend after Thanksgiving, this year it was 12/1.
5. Do you get holiday ideas from Pinterest? I used to, but now I honestly don't care what other people do.
6. Christmas glam or ugly sweater? Glam all the way. I LOVE fancy holiday clothes.
7. Stocking stuffers wrapped or unwrapped? Unwrapped is how I grew up and a tradition I will follow.
8. Traditional or modern Christmas songs? I love all Christmas music, but CAROLS are my jam.
9. Fruitcake? NO THANK YOU!
10. Is your Christmas shopping finished? Halfway, maybe?
11. Is there snow in December where you live? Yup, had snow yesterday and some this morning.
12. Classic show, a Charlie Brown Christmas or Rudolph? Man, I love both, but have to go with Charlie Brown.
13. Favorite Christmas dessert? I added this one, ha. I LOVE CHRISTMAS COOOOOOOOOKIES

C U R R E N T L Y {DECEMBER}

gifting fun homemade or small business made gifts this year.
baking nothing at the moment but cookies will happen this weekend, yay!
singing Christmas carols at church and getting teary eyed because of the joy of the season.
mailing something, hopefully. I'm usually the first to send out Christmas cards but this year, so behind.
decorating our home and now everything is place perfectly I'm so stinking happy.
loving our three stockings on the mantle this year.
reading lots of silly books to help myself relax at night.
praying for those who have lost loved ones during the holidays. I know this time of year is hard.
watching all the Christmas movies, the Nutcracker and our standard shows.
listening to different genres of Christmas music and particularly draw to Lauren Daigle's album.
hoping to feel the joy and wonder of Christmas cheer all month, even during stressful days.
feeling baby movement everyday and feeling thankful for a healthy baby.

TBB Asks: Thanksgiving Edition

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Yeah, yeah. I know I'm quite a few days late, but oh well. Thought I'd actually get a post together this week, which is better than nothing. Hopefully I can recap my trip to Arizona, but the travel drama is still too fresh right now.

1. Have you ever kept a Gratitude Journal? No, but will be starting one now. Life has come for me recently and many friends have reminded me gratitude can change attitude. I'm now daily writing down at least ONE thing I'm grateful for and more if I can.
2. Hosting Thanksgiving at your House? Nope, visiting family. I'm super excited
3. Favorite food from the Thanksgiving meal? Dressing, gravy & mashed potatoes.
4. What one thing in nature are you most grateful for? Fresh air. The breeze in the trees and the wind on my face.
5. Pumpkin Pie? BARFFFFFF!!!! Only chocolate pie.
6. Traditional Cookbook? Usually... or a paleo cookbook.
7. Oven baked or deep fried turkey? Golly, I love both. I grew up with oven baked though.
8. Thanksgiving leftovers? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!
9. What is one household product you are most grateful for? My dishwasher, I hated dishes.
10. Are you most grateful for home cooked meals or restaurant meals? Both, love we have the option.

C U R R E N T L Y

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appreciating all the kindness people have shown me.
researching so many baby products, blogs and groups.
posting very minimally these days. time is getting away from everyday.
cooking protein, finally. and honestly, Le Husband is doing most of the cooking.
planning my schedule for November with Thanksgiving and trips.
wearing jackets and pants. poop. #whereissummerhaha
taking naps when possible and a lot of short exams to get my NASM CEUs.
reading books for fun and books to make me smarter
loving finally being able to really work out and teach again.
praying for a 100% healthy baby. every day and every night.
feeling super doughy and fluffy. waiting for the bump to actually pop not just be a tummy.

So I've Been Thinking

...How is it already the middle of October? I swear I was just looking forward to my Vegas trip at the beginning of the month. Now we are two weeks away from Halloween, wow!

... What if this baby is a girl? Will we make it past 16?

... What if this baby is a boy? How will I deal with the bugs, boogers, farts and boy stuff?

... Why can I not feel settled financially? Sure we aren't making near the money we had in Virginia, but I know so many people have much less than I who have a family and make it work. I need to trust.

... Do we really need to start thinking about daycare already?

... Could we FINALLY have a diagnosis for my back pain? This has been going on every night since June and I'm so hopeful an appointment next week could be the start of some relief.

... Why is this world so scary? Why are people so mean to each other? Why can't people and politicians get along? Why do children get hurt by adults? Why do kids hurt each other? Why are their mean girls and boys?

... When did I become such a worrier? And stressor? People tell me I need to chill but I just can't.

... Will I ever be good at this new job? Will I reach my full potential?

... I wonder when my belly is going to actually pop? I'm ready to look pregnant and not fluffy.

Weekly Wins {Oh Baby & More}

Happy Friday, friends. To you, thought, not me. While today is Friday, I'm working tomorrow and Sunday and won't have a true day off until Weds, but that's okay. I had a good weekend trip last week and now need to make that money honey.

A few wins this week to make me smile through the weekend:

+ Finally sharing our secret news. It has been hard keeping this quiet, especially during all the stressful moments the past twelve weeks. I honestly imagine some of you might have guessed with the lack of silence or posts on Instagram [anyone?]. Thank you for all your kind words and congrats, they truly mean more than you know.


+ I'm finally feeling better and able to teach classes without feeling sick. It has been so nice to actually workout again. Being lazy is fun for a bit but not for weeks on end for this girl.

+ I managed to learn a BODYPUMP release in two days and made it through three classes with very few missed cues. It usually takes me a week or so to learn everything, I'm glad I could pull this off.

+ Everyone at my current gym has been so sweet regarding baby news and very understanding about my leaving. I'm sad to leave such wonderful members, but it's great to know I've made a positive impact on their lives and they want me to come back to open houses when possible.

+ This week marked my last 6am training session....wahooooooooooooooooo!

+ Tomorrow is my BOFF's birthday and I'm wishing her the bestest day!!!!!

Have a great day friends, much love to y'all!

What Is Going On? {Could I Be Pregnant}

Good morning and welcome to the first of a few stream of consciousness posts. If you missed the news, I announced I was pregnant earlier this week. I know I'm not the first woman, nor the last, to be pregnant. But, this is my first journey carrying a child and something I started chronicling at the beginning because I wanted to remember everything. These moments might not mean anything to you, might bore you and I fully support you not reading past this point because this is not your journey. This is my blog and my journey and one day I know I'll be so happy I can look back on my thoughts right at the beginning.

***Please know, this was written in no way to cause heartache to anyone. I understand there are so many women struggling with infertility and my words are not written to diminish your journey or longing. I in no way want to be insensitive to anyone's situation, so please understand anything written here is for me and in no way written with the intent of upsetting someone***

August 11th: Something is off and I can't figure out what is going on right now. I'm pretty stressed about starting my training next week. A new job, something so incredibly different than anything I've done in the past and I'm struggling to keep my nerves in check. I've teared up in fear twice this week which is so crazy. I know I'm an emotional person, but I honestly thought the crying randomly had been in check since I lost my job last year. Hopefully once I start my training everything will calm down and make sense.

August 15th: I'm starting to wonder. I'm late. I'm tried. I'm emotional and I don't think it has to do with just my new training. This is strange. So strange. I'm not hungry. I want a nap and my body feels so weird. Right now I just hope I'm sick or something. I'm so not ready.

August 17th: All I can think about now is I need to take a test, but I don't know when? I want Le Husband to be a part of this. We aren't together right now. He's somewhere else because he came to DC early and I'm with Babyspice. Part of me wants to figure this out so I know what's going and part of me wants to do it with him, together. Do we take a test up here so we can tell family? Is that too early? What should I do?

August 18th: Today sucked. Ok, not true. The last game sucked and I'm pretty miserable about the outcome. We were going to go out, but I just did dinner with my sister, mom & dad. There was a mix up with coordination and I honestly didn't want to hang out with my team. I had a margarita with dinner without a care. I think I'm making myself crazy so I need to talk to Le Husband figure out what we want to do. Wait longer or take a test.

August 19th: I told Le Husband about my suspicions today. At the most inopportune time, but isn't that us? I thought we had time to discuss before people came over to the house for brunch. Nope. I told him and he just looked at me and said "People are coming earlier than planned and will be here in five minutes". Talk about HOLY WHAT!??! Such a big life moment, then quickly on to chatting with friends, family and kids like everything was normal. Which it wasn't. Because something is different, I know it. I cried on the flight home and he slept. I cried because I was leaving family without telling them something. I cried because we are so far away. I cried because I don't want to go to training tomorrow. I cried because I am scared about the next step. We decided not to take a test after we get home from DC. I'm honestly not ready to know. I want one more sleep, which I know sounds stupid, but I'm scared. I'd rather sleep tonight thinking "maybe" instead of " yes or no".

AUGUST 20TH: OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! POSITIVE! I do NOT know what to think right now. I am completely thrown off kilter. This? Now? THIS MONTH? I cannot believe it, I really can't. We thought we were pregnant in July but we weren't. I was so ready then. So excited. Then it turned out to be a false alarm, which was good because of everything that happened regarding jobs. But now?!?! In the midst of feeling like a loser who might not complete training I find out I'm going to be a mom. Le Husband is going to be a dad and he is so excited. I sadly think I stole some of his joy tonight, because I was so "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA". But, he was great and allowed me to say everything I was thinking and we went to bed deciding to tell family in the next two days. We.are.having.a.baby.

OH BABY {SURPRISE}

Who knew saying yes to a Vegas kickball tournament in 2010 would bring us to our greatest adventure yet.

O'Baby due April 2019 and we are so very, wonderfully excited. 

FIND YOUR TRIBE

Today I leave you with a quote that really spoke to me. A bestie sent it to me yesterday and I honestly caught my breath. Because it is so very true. In a world where it can be girl against girl, them against us, you against me, it is IMPERATIVE to find your people. Your soul sisters. Your tribe. Your circle.

And if the people you call friends ARENT cheering for you or clapping the loudest, get a new circle.

I've been there and done that. I've reduced my circle by many a self absorbed stefanie and jealous jenny. 

Your circle should lift you up. Wipe your tears. Call you on your BS. Cheer for you the loudest. 

Happy Friday!

Today I Confess

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::: I've been craving cereal like whoa, but trying to be good and not buy 100 boxes.

::: My book game is lacking, it's so bad. Gimme your RECOMMENDATIONS!

::: I turned in my notice to my current gym and now have to tell the members/instructors I'm leaving. I've tried to keep it as kind as possible, despite not agreeing with a TON of management decisions as of late, and I'm nervous I'll give my real opinion to someone.

::: My commenting on blogs has been atrocious, even though I'm reading posts. I need to get back to the flow of actually commenting on your blogs, I miss the interaction.

::: We set goals at work yesterday and they are HUGE for me this month. I'm between the 'YES, I can reach them' & 'Holy crap how am I going to get this done'. I need to commit to doing my best every shift and working more than I want to in order to make it happen.

::: I cannot wait for our trip to Vegas, I'm just nervous about how quick it will be and hope to get enough rest. When I don't get enough rest I get sick and I CANNOT GET SICK. #lame

::: Fall is not my favorite. Yup, I said it. So need some inspo with food. Favorite fall reipies and go!

Weekly Wins {Last of September}

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+ I managed to blog for a whole week, say WHAT!?!? Totally a win, y'all!

+ Plans to move to another gym is in the works and I had a really good interview. We are close to deciding the next step.

+ Lots of wonderful conversations this week with sweet friends. I need more of them in my life. 

+ I unexpectedly hit a BONUS at work and couldn't be more thrilled. The extra $$ is so nice, but just the mental and emotional bump it gave me hitting the numbers was enough. I know it won't be smooth sailing every week, however not feeling like a fish out of water has helped. 

+ I taught two classes this week and didn't die. Big deal when I've been out for so long. 

+ Le Husband is home after traveling all week. So nice to have him back with me. 

What were your wins this week?

What September Taught Me

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If you bust your @$$ long enough, people will reward your effort. I struggled so much in training. I gave it my all, even when it didn't seem good enough. I kept showing up. I kept trying. I kept going because I had to and it was rewarded. I was given extra chances and made the most of opportunities and made it to the finish line.

Rest when you can. For real. When you're stressed to the max, emotionally & physically, taking a moment to lay down and breathe is helpful. Squeezing in a nap after dinner is worth it. Saying no to a fun activity to catch your sanity is okay.

Unexpected people will help you out. So many people went to bat for me during training. To the people on Instagram who cheered me up when I cried, thank you. To my mentors, trainers and fellow trainee who championed me when I felt like a failure, thank you. To anyone who had a kind comment, it meant the world.

Outside the comfort zone is scary, but sometimes it's a must. Sometimes you must grow. Sometimes you must try something you'd never try. Sometimes you must do things you don't want to because it just needs to be done. And you learn, YES YOU CAN!

You can try and plan your life, but NOPE. Big ol haha, NOPE! Go ahead and plan, then let me know how it goes. The past two months have taught me to roll with the punches and figure it all out. Plans are great, but life does not adhere to plans.

Summer is truly my favorite. I love summer. The heat. The sunshine. The relax. The clothes. I'm so thankful I get such a long summer down here in Tennessee. The crips fall air will arrive soon enough and then bring winter, boo. So I'm soaking it all up now, while I can.

*inspiration found here*

C U R R E N T L Y

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traveling to Vegas and Cinncinati next month, woohoo!
wearing lots of big girl business clothes. honestly, I miss my workout clothes.
collecting lots of mental notes from seniors at my work.
making lots of smoothies, sweet potato fries and bagels. quick easy snacks, too.
taking rest whenever I can get it. my schedule is all over the place.
planning new workout schedules and a possible gym move.

reading lots of Kristin Hannah books. SO DARN GOOD!
loving the support and nurturing I've received from Le Husband since August. #blessed
praying for health & the future.
feeling excited, nervous, anxious, thankful and grateful.

Joy Bombs

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.:. Getting to sleep in on a Monday because I chose to work over the weekend.

.:. Surprising my mom and enjoying her laugh.

.:. Having a good shift on Sunday.

.:. Windows open and candles lit.

.:.Le Husband cooking a delicious dinner for the two of us to enjoy while we watch our favorite show.

.:. Catching Harry Potter on TV for a cozy evening.

.:. Friends who support me no matter what and let me know.

.:. Face masks, at home pedicures and new lotion smells.

.:. Sharing in special secrets with people I love.

.:. Peaceful sleeps after stressful days.

.:. Penpal letters in the mail.

.:. Surprise texts that just make your day.

.:. Four new books checked out from the library.

.:. Beautiful, wonderful sunshine.

Remember the Fight

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Sometimes the fight is physical. Sometimes mental. Quite often, emotional. Life takes no prisoners and life doesn't promise you easy. Your highest highs can be followed by the lowest lows. 

There have been quite a few times over the past months I haven't wanted/chosen to fight. I've sat back. I've cried. I've said "it isn't fair". I've thought "now, really"? There have been days of sobbing through the night, desperately praying for a new path. A light at the end of a tunnel. 

Other times I've said "eff this, I got this". I've dug in. I've done the work and sometimes been rewarded.

Funny, the times I've chosen to fight I've always felt better. I've always found my way. And here we are now. Two weeks out of training and I'm doing decent. I'm not crying every night, doubting myself and my path. I'm learning. Trying. Working. Choosing joy. 

Will this be my path forever? Probably not. 

Do I want this to be my career? No, not really. 

But for now, I'm fighting and working daily. I'm making the effort to try and learn from this place. From this path laid out in front of me. I've had some really good days, some good days a couple BLAH days, but that's life. 

On this Monday I want you to remember the fight. The reason. The why. YOU CAN DO THI!

Weekly Wins: First Week at the New Job

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YAY, it's FRIDAY! Kind of, for me. I work tomorrow, but that's okay because I've made it almost to end of my first work week. WAHOOOO WAHOOOO! Let's count up the wins.

+ I didn't blank out my first two days of work on the floor. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't awful which is huge.

+ Sleep has been a tad bit better, which is a huge win. I've been suffering extremely painful back spasms every night since June and any night it's not an eight, I'm grateful. I have an appointment set with a specialist next month, fingers crossed. 

+ I had a successful dermatologist appointment {bye bye bad mole} and a semi successful acupuncture appointment. I think I'll need a few more needle treatments, but I'm thankful she squeezed me in so quickly.

+ Le Husband has been super fantastic about cooking during my work week, he's the best. 

How was your week? What can I cheer on for you?

HERE WE GO

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Friends, we are here. Starting a new job today. A new job I wasn't even sure I was going to get becasuse the training was so tough. A new job I thought was mine, not four more weeks of interviews and points. 

The past four weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever had with a job. Minus the management job because there was no support. Nada. This was just hard and I learned a lot and I busted my tail. And now we are here. 

Starting this week, my schedule is created for the next month and a new normal begins. Hopefully I'll be able to keep teaching and hopefully training, but who knows right now. This is a big opportunity and I'm praying I'm smart enough and strong enough to make this a great job. 

Wishing you a wonderful week, friends.

Five Years

"You're the reason I believe in love

And you're the answer to my prayers form up above

All we need is just the two of us

My dreams came true because of you"

Happy Five Years, my love! 

Weekly Wins: Looking To The Small

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Doing what I can to get through the week. To get to the next day. To try and get better at this new job and see it as a test I can pass. Not something I am going to fail. I've been in a bad headspace for awhile, because this has been so hard, but after a couple shoutouts on Instagram I've turned it around. 

I can't predict the future. I can control my thoughts each morning. I can decide how I will act. How I will react. How I will learn. How I will fuel my fire. How I will succeed. I can control that. 

So my weekly wins are as follows:

+ Reaching a small goal at work this week. 

+ Family supporting me no matter what.

+ Le Husband making dinner every night and cleaning up too. 

+ Having a couple appointments this weekend that could come to fruition.

+ All the support of people at work who see my effort and drive.

+ Knowledge that no matter what I will be okay.

Believe in yourself friends, I'm cheering for you < 3 !

Radom Thoughts for the Week

Hello again, friends.

I should be studying as I write this, but I miss writing and I miss this space. So I'll quickly recap things going on in life and in my head right now:

+ This job is pushing me to and past my limit. I am drowning in new terms, plans, pricing, devices, systems. learning to sell, understanding the how and why and really getting outside my comfort zone. I've cried at work {UGH} and freaked out to my mentor more than once because I'm so scared of not doing well. Everyone seems to think I can do this, I just need to believe in myself and buckle down.

+ I miss my flexible schedule. A lot. I have had late nights, early mornings, no workouts, not enough sleep and my body is all kinds of crazy right now. I miss not having early Mondays. I miss not getting home late and having to constantly wake up early. Trying to keep up with training is taking a lot out of me too. I worried to lose the tiny bit of momentum I had with this new job. I haven't posted much fitness on Instagram nor on my other blog, which makes me sad.

+ Figuring out my workout schedule is hard. I used to teach nine classes a week which meant working out each time I taught. Maybe not to the extend I would normally push myself, but I was moving my body. I have only been able to work out one day since starting last week and while my body is enjoying the time off, it is also craving movement and the gym.

+ Le Husband has had my back like no other and it has held me together like no other during this season. He has be there in every capacity and I am ever so grateful. Marriage is hard, but it is so nice when you have someone to lean on during the trying, frustrating and crazy times.

NEW START BEGINS NOW

Today beings a new week for everyone. But today, for me, it begins so much more. 

A new job. 

A new path. 

A different way to make money. 

A new schedule.

Four weeks of training. 

A steady paycheck.

Leaping outside my comfort zone. 

Time to be the new kid. Time to learn. Time to pay attention and sit still. 

Good wishes are so appreciated. I wish you a wonderful week, friends. 

C U R R E N T L Y

[source]

traveling to DC this month to visit family

grilling all the protein and veggies on our green egg

creating workout programs for clients & friends

feeling overwhelmed with all the ideas I have and how to make them happen

anticipating starting a new job next week

eating very few things because of my elimination diet at the moment

reading so many fun books right now

loving how supportive this place, my Instagram and IRL friends/family have been to me

praying for a diagnosis and easy fix for my back pains

rejoicing in the fact Le Husband and I have navigated this dark period so well together.

I Can Finally Breathe

Finally.

A happier post. A post with something good to share. Almost motivational, if you will.

My legs and lungs are finally taking a break and I no longer feel as though I am treading water in the middle of the ocean. I am swimming. Swimming towards a goal. Swimming towards dry land, which makes the tiredness just drift away.

After a month of feeling hopeless. Of not knowing WHAT TO DO. Of feeling like a failure. Compounded by eight months of a dream not coming to fruition, I've finally found space and air.

I
Can
Finally
Breathe.

I shared more of my story on my Instagram, with videos because it's so much easier to talk than write. But the crux of it is, I've found another job, hallejuah. One which is a guaranteed 40 hours a week, plus has the flexibility to allow me to train and teach, too.

This moment means so much because the feeling of failure was so great, but it also means I can allow my husband to breathe. He no longer has to hold up the household on his own. I will finally be able to contribute to the finances as I should. I am so grateful for his support and love. I'm so grateful for you all lifting me up. For reading my resumes and cover letters. Thank you for reading and for championing me at my lowest. I am always here for you if you need it.

Cheers to the new chapter.

Life Is SO FREAKING HARD {Oh How I Have FAILED}

How's that for a blogpost title? Cheery, right?

I have started and stopped this post too many times to count. Legit, ten times since last Tuesday.

Why, Tuesday you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Tuesday was when the bottom dropped out.

When the JOB I interviewed for and was awarded in FEBRUARY was pulled. The job I've been waiting MONTHS FOR A BACKGROUND CHECK was ripped away. Without anything more than a "budget cuts and lack of work".

Yeah.

Yeah.

Security I've been counting on for months is gone. A new, fresh start is gone. Supplementation for my training is gone. Being able to hold my head high because I'm ACTUALLY contributing to our bills, our retirement and our future is gone.

G
O
N
E

Gone.

Once again, the carpet has been has been pulled from under my feet and I'm laying on the floor dazed, trying desperately to understand WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! How are we now here? We had it figured out. I did the work. I got the other job. I have security. Y'all we were so happy. SO SO SO happy and good. Life was on point. Jobs for both of us. Me still training and pursuing a dream. We are even trying for kids. So damn H A P P Y. And then...this.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried the past nine days. How many moments I've spent SOBBING trying to figure out the why. I've cried to Le Husband more this week than I have in our marriage. And, dude has taken it like a champ. Normally not his forte but he has stepped up big time. He's dealt with me crying "why?" Dealt with the "what do I do now?" questions. He's quietly shouldered all the bills again. Marriage works that way, and I'm so grateful for him.

Training has been hard, I haven't been shy about that here. This job was supposed to help and now the lack of it just highlights EVERYTHING I COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH the past eight months. I've trained eight people. EIGHT. In eight months. Not good for the paycheck and not good for the ego. I've tried, but apparently tried all the wrong ways. I'm so so disappointed in myself and beyond embarrassed right now because I've honestly just flamed out big time. Something I've cried about quite a few times. Back in the day I was all 'it's okay if you fail. the important thing is to try' and now I have to eat my words. Failing is awful. It sucks. It hurts. It is the worst thing for your ego and I frankly don't really know what my calling/purpose is right now.

Oh, speaking of bruising the ego, have you tried looking for a job recently? Minus a bad health report or getting let go, I'm pretty sure looking for a job is one of the most miserable things on earth. So devastating when you don't have ENOUGH experience. Beyond frustrating when you have too much. Everyone wants the world and no one wants to take a chance on an unknown. It's who you know, not what you know. I've sent out so many resumes and been so discouraged in a week. If ANYONE IS GOOD AT RESUMES PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I feel beaten down. Again.

I am just so ready for a normal life. For a purpose. For a reason. For security. For money. I'm just ready to stop feeling like a failure. At the end of the day I want to find my worth again.

Weekly Wins: End of June and BEFORE FAMILY!

Y'all, July is almost here. Say what? Part of me is 'oh my goodness' while the other part is 'yay, family time starts on Saturday' excited! Which of course brings me to my first weekly win!

+ FAMILY TIME ALLLLL NEXT WEEK! Yes, y'all, yes! I am so excited to see everyone and of course snuggle on my delicous niece. CAN.NOT.WAIT!

+ Power came back on quicker than expected yesterday and I was so grateful. 

+ I am training a client today, woop! She isn't my client, but it's money, so I'll take it. 

+ My PT appointment has slowly helped my back issues and I'm really thankful to have such an awesome PT to work with, she's the best. The work she makes me do though, yeah, no. 

+ I gave up two classes and am enjoying the extra night off a week. It had to be done.

+ Having people tell you how bummed they are you aren't teaching the class anymore is nice, though.

What are your wins this week?

Weekly Wins {Summertime is Here}

Hey Friday! You here. I'm happy, They are happy. We all happy. Here's this week's wins:

+ Summer has begun, y'all! I am so excited for my favorite season. Beyond, just beyond. YAY WARM!

+ I've been 99% better about wearing my seatbelt, thanks to you, friends. I appreciate your love and kind yelling. It was needed and I am safer, xoxo.

+ My new gym is pretty awesome and I've gained crucial knowledge in the first week. Hoping this really helps me grow my business and become more successful at training. 

+ I had two new [to me] people in my BODYPUMP and BARRE classes tell me how much they enjoy my teaching style and they love coming to my class. Warm fuzzies all over. 

+ Le Husband and I had a great evening on the kickball field playing a double header. It was really nice to connect and rally the team when other people could't make it to the game. 

+ I finally took the plunge and gave up a BOOTCAMP class at my old gym. The pay scale randomly changed [boo] and the timing just wasn't great for many people. I now get one night off a week, woop!

+Because no one was able to come to the BOOTCAMP class on Weds, I was able to emergency sub a BODYPUMP class at my new gym. I was 20 minutes late because the call came at 6:10pm for a 6:00pm class but I made it over there quickly [with a seatbelt] and the ladies were beyond grateful. I'm happy I could give them a good class and earn brownie points, too. 

+ NO PLANS THIS WEEKEND! ZERO! NONE! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY!

How was your week? Anything fun this weekend? 

Show UP

Feeling a bit in the weeds recently. A lot going on over the weekend which leaves very little time for planning during the week. Then all of a sudden boom, Monday - Friday appears. 

Lots of running around. 

Not a lot of winning the day. Computer and technology issues make me wanna pull my hair out. Then there's planning to video a new work out but the room is already being used. 

Of course there are all the questions. Do I get head shots? How much should I pay? Should I use my camera for videos instead of my phone? How can I get the stupid converter to work to get NEW music for barre classes? Why is my body rebelling on me all of a sudden?

But, I still show up. 

I still try and I still put one food in front of the other. You can too, friends. You can, too. Here is your daily/weekly cheerleader post. Deep breath, charge forward, make it HAPPEN!

***PSDOTCOM: WHAT's going on with blogger and no email comments? I know I'm late to the problem but is there a solution? How are y'all still responding to comments?***

These Are My Confessions

[source]

... Lately I've been horrible at wearing my seatbelt. I'll drive to the gym without it buckled on the reg now. Which is awful and stupid and just ridiculous, but it keeps happening. I think it's because my hands are always full when I get in the car then I put it in drive and take off. Need to get better. 

... The other day I walked out of the grocery store without paying for something. I didn't realize it until I got to my car and I was just too tired and too lazy to walk back. Even though it was something small, I feel bad. 

... Dinner last night was toasted bread, Chic Fila sauce with chicken at 9:45pm. All the glamour over here.

... I posted a silly video of my dancing in the kitchen on my Instastories and over 180 people viewed it which made smile and laugh. For some of you, that's peanuts, but for me that's the most views one of my stories has ever received. Guess I need to figure out more dance songs, ha. 

... Speaking of a laugh, I had a nice chuckle when I saw WHO was viewing my stories. Talk about some people coming out of the wood work to sneak a peek. Hey, I'll take the numbers from ya. 

... My other blog is failing again. I keep getting distracted and annoyed with WORDPRESS. Such a different platform than blogger, one where you need to BUY a premium site to get anything cool. Which I am NOT doing yet. 

... Speaking of money, I was way over budget in May and am pushing it again. This isn't a 'teehee I bought two extra shirts I shouldn't have', this is a 'damn everyone I trained is taking a summer break and cash flow is tight' over budget. WE are fine, totally fine. My ego. Not so much. 

... Oh and speaking of ego, I let it get in the way over the weekend and it caused a tiff with Le Husband. Which was stupid and mostly on me, but I wanted him to give me some back up and he was just himself and quite. I feel dumb because things have been super awesome lately, we've found our 'this time of life groove' and I messed it up on Saturday night. Everything was fine Sunday, but that's just a night I won't get back. 

That's it for this week....what do you have to confess?

Show Us Your Books {May}

Back at it with my books this month. Linking up with Steph for 'SHOW US YOUR BOOKS". Again I wasn't able to get ALL the books I read this month for the recap, but bright about half. I've been on a BIIIIIG Kristin Hannah kick [just finished another one] and the three books at the bottom were a RANDOM grab because of their covers. #oooops

* * * * [source]

As mentioned before, I've been on a Hannah kick so I've snapped up a bunch of her books from the library. This one I hemmed and hawed over, because it is about a couple drifting apart and I wasn't sure I was up for that genre. But, I gave it a whirl and was pleasantly surprised. The story wasn't anything surprising and I was very happy the wife wasn't the pushover she started out to be in the beginning. Lots of little 'relationship' lessons sprinkled in here and there, all on a beautiful Portland backdrop. Five star summer read status.

* * * * 1/2[source] 

One of the reasons I enjoy reading books by Kristin Hannah is her propensity to really challenge the reader with tough situations. This book right here made me put it down a few times because I could NOT believe the situation she dreamed up. A tough situation between sisters, one testing the limits of love. In all honesty, it took me longer than I expected to figure out the twist but once I did I already knew how the book would finish. Not the lightest of reads, but still something you could read through quickly to pass the time.

* * * 1/2 [source]

I had high hopes for this book after reading the summary. A little kid getting lost. Bad people roaming around. A sister fight and a cute detective. All adding up to a great plot I thought. But, it dragged on and on and on. I couldn't stand the mother of the child and the way Michaels wrote certain parts were extremely confusing. I was not a fan of one of the side stories at all. Maybe I'm just a lazy reader, who knows. If you need to just pass the time with something this will work, but it won't leave you with that 'i just read a great book' accomplishment at the end.

* * * * [source]

Reality television in a book is hit or miss for me. Of course the author can take some liberties, but at the crux of the story you KNOW it's bursting the bubble of television shows. Both characters in the book are likable and quite funny, too. I loved all the southern flairs and foods, even though some of the scenery descriptions were long. Not a hard to decipher the plot here, yet still a great way to pass the time.

* * * * * [source]

World War Two told through a woman in Italy. So many twists. So many dark turns. So many times I had to take a step back. I did not enjoy the way the heroine had to suffer in the beginning. It seems trite and honestly just something to make her life harder. There were a few times I was worried about characters and one moment I cried when I realized the tough decisions she had to face. I had to read something light afterwards because this book had me heated about Germans and Italians [back in the day of course]. If you like the Nightingale you'll enjoy this book.

* * * * [source] 

Not as good as Tuscan Rose, but still a wonderful book. My biggest issue is there were a few times I felt the writer was lazy and didn't bring certain endings full circle. She just left them with people leaving the country or dying. It made me quite annoyed. World War Two experienced in Asia,  China and Australia which was a very different story. Lots of scenery changes and lots of good plot twists. Give it a whirl if you have a long car ride or some time at the beach. 

* * * 1/2 [source]

The last Belinda book and my least favorite. It had a bit of super natural which seemed strange. I understood why she had it happen but it made some things feel inauthentic. I very much enjoyed the main characters growth and again reading history I did not know much about. This book takes place in Spain during Franco's reign. Lots of drama I forgot about. Lots of times I wished people were smarter and left when they should have left. I did not appreciate how one of the stories ended up, it felt fake in a shocking the reader way, which is why I didn't give it four stars. I recommend it, I'm just mad at the author so I'm keeping a half star out. 

There you have it. Some of the books over the last month. What are you reading?