Average is my Enemy

++++++This post is brought to you my over active brain. By some self loathing with a side of wallowing. If you're in a happy place, just skip, because I don't want to bring you down. Yet, this post has to happen. These words have to be said and out of my being before I explode. Feel free to X out this post and don't worry about commenting. This is for me and for my sanity!++++++

I HATE being average. When I say hate, I'm talking the Grinch "Hate, hate, hate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY".  Since I can remember I've been "good" not "great". Decent enough soccer player to be an NCAA athlete, but not great enough to do anything significant in the records. Smart enough student for good greats, but not straight A excelling. Fun, active and fit instructor, yet no where near the caliber to train/inspire others. Friend people enjoy getting to be around, but not the first call for an outing or the life of the party everyone wants to be around. Cute in my own way, but nothing show stopping or head turning.

This mediocrity crushes my soul when I realize how little I stand out. Is that egotistical? 100% yes, but I've never been one to say I don't have an ego. I want to be the best or at least in the top three. I've held stock there every so often, in different pieces of life, however it has never truly amounted to what I hoped.

Kickball this weekend just seemed to expose this frustrating feeling, nagging in the back of my head recently. In the past, no matter how hard I tried, practiced and spent time scheming, I was never in the top talk. I was in the GOOD players bracket, but not the great. It was frustrating, but I was in the top group on my team so that gave me some solace.

Flash forward to this past weekend, with my new team. I knew going in my playing time would be limited because the team was stacked with incredibly talented women, who also have been with the team for years. I was ONLY added on because they wanted Le Husband on the team. Which, in itself is a bit of a blow to the ego, but has kind of been the way of life since the beginning of our kickball coupledom. I honestly was just excited to be on the team, be back in the kickball realm and thrilled to be a part of a team that could win it all again.

We won on Saturday which was awesome. So, so, so awesome to win with new friends and Le Husband. But, it also was really hard because I honestly felt so insignificant in the scheme of the team. Not sure why I thought it would be easy for me to sit on the sidelines when I agreed to play since I'm so competitive. Hindsight I know it's because I wanted to play one more year and because Le Husband was doing it and I hate being left out of anything. So, while I enjoyed being there, winning with him and the team it was so much harder than anticipated.

Compounding this 'average' feeling is the fact my husband is a superstar freak of nature athlete. This isn't meant as a statement about any other husband/boyfriend out there, this is just plain fact. He is good at every athletic sport he plays and quickly becomes the team superstar almost every time. People love him because he is good, reliable and gets the job done in a quiet unassuming way 99.9% of the time [he's lost it a few times, but those are rare]. Away from the kickball field we both have our fortes and niches, however, every tournament I'm reminded how INCREDIBLE he is and how average I am. And yes, you're reading this paragraph correctly. I am jealous of my husband and YES I realize how stupid that sounds. Understand I'm 90% proud 10% jealous. Seeing him succeed makes me so happy and proud, I just sometimes wish I could be the one being awesome.

So now, what do I do? Stop playing so the evil green monster can't come out? Admit to myself average is what I am in the grand scheme of things? Truthfully, I'm not sure what I want to do right now. Sunday, after an even more deflating women's tournament I was *THIS* close to just quitting and walking away. I can't be bad at something I no longer participate in right? Then I thought more about it and how hard it was to get the starts to align so being on this team could happen so I'm keeping my mouth shut around people.

Please understand I recognize how lucky I am in life. I truly, truly, do. Babyspice pointed out that being good/decent in the things listed above is something many people will never know, which I understand and appreciate. Yet, there is little solace to me right now, because average is my enemy. Part of me thinks I need to refocus on WHAT I want and why I want it so I can find a plan of action for greatness. #notimeforaverage.

Mistakes: How We Hate Them

Mistakes.

We all make them and we all have to live with them. Sometimes they are mundane, with a quick fix, others are harder to undo and can bring serious repercussions. M i S t A k e S happen all the time.

Yet, we hate them. We stress about them. We over analyze them. Mistakes keep us up at night because we wish we could undo them or we wonder how to fix them. 'Oops' and 'Oh nos' can clutter our brain, heart and soul if we let them. How often do we beat ourselves up over mistakes? Big and small mistakes steal us of brain power as we look back and ponder.

I experienced the uncomfortable rush of worry when I made a few mistakes at work last week. One wasn't too bad, but one was a pretty big deal and when I realized what happened [after hours of sleuthing] I felt the horrible pit in my stomach grow into a knot. My mistake affected business. This was not something done by rushing, not paying attention or anything else on my part, it was J U S T a mistake. A misunderstanding. Yet, there were still consequence for my actions, which brought the knot.

My boss was out of the office for a bit, so I had to sit and wait. And worry. And overthink. About HOW I would tell him. How I would explain the situation. How I would cop to making the mistake without excuse, just an explanation. Those 45 minutes were excruciating because all I could do was stress, stress and stress some more. Because, that's just what I do.

I replay mistakes in teaching classes over and over, wondering why and how I got everything so wrong. It's JUST group fitness, Pinky, let it go and breathe. Ha, yeah right. I want to be perfect teaching, and one blip on one track somehow creates a HORRIBLE class. Which doesn't really make sense, right?

What can we do to change this? How do we let [small] mistakes happen without freaking out? Words and thoughts can be just as powerful as actions, so how do we stop the self loathing? With our brain. With our thoughts,. WE take control and we recognize the mistake, we breathe, we regroup and we move on. WE acknowledge the hurt, discomfort and maybe tears, and then we bring action. We take the power to control our mood. We arrive at a new destination where self deprecation isn't allowed.

How does my work story end? My boss was incredibly understanding, forgiving and made no fuss what so ever. His biggest concern was what I learned and how I would work on things gong forward. See, all that stress for nothing.

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If I'm Being Honest

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If I'm being honest//

// I'd tell you how much I hate this stage of DIY renovation. My teeth are on edge often when I'm home because it's in such a state of chaos. I know and understand it will all be worth it in the end but right now, I'M SO SICK OF IT I COULD SCREAM!

// Money has been keeping me up at night. Can't I just win the lottery already?

// My PT exam is coming up and I am 100% not ready for it, due to my own stupidity. I've failed to study when I should and so now begins the cramming process until June.

// The past two weeks off of teaching have been much more of a dream than expected. Don't get me wrong, I miss my music, my classes and participants desperately, but not having to rush to teach and then get home late has been quite a lovely change of pace.

// All of my 'eating all the things' has me feeling very large, bloated and fat. I've been very indulgent and while I'm happy to have my life back my body is not quite as jubilant as my tastebuds.

// Waking up every four hours is really starting to wear on me, especially after a busy long weekend. How I wish my body would learn to sleep quickly and stay asleep all night.

// I'm quite anxious to get back into the sweaty session swing of things. I need to move and start getting back on track workout wise. Mornings are going to be very early soon now with morning workouts making a return.

// The state of this blog has me debating whether to try and resurrect it or let it slowly fade out.

// Teaching my first BARRE class this week in six months has me more nervous than expected.

// My slow recovering from gallbladder surgery pissed me off and no one understanding my attitude annoyed me as well. I completely understand my body lost an organ and there were incisions made in my body, totally get it. BUT, EVERYONE else said it was nothing. EVERYONE else said they were up and moving the next day easily. EVERYONE else said it was such an easy surgery and I'd feel right as rain afterwards. I don't like being bad at anything, ever.

// Hearing the PA on Wednesday explain my tight abs might have made it harder to recover made my week. I'm not trying to brag about my health over anyone, but to FINALLY understand WHY it hurt so much makes me happy. So, yeah, I'll take it!

Friday Letters

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Many, many blog years ago, there was a fun link up called "Friday Letters". It was one of my favorites and something I'm thinking about bringing back. Would anyone like to join for a Friday Letter linkup?

Dear Friday: Thank you for getting here, I'm so excited to see your face. Dear airplane: Please be nice to me this weekend. Dear body: I'm counting on you to perform, we're two weeks out from surgery, step up the game. Dear kickball family: Excited to see everyone. Dear kickball team: Let's win this one, aye? Dear Le Husband: I've missed you this week. Cheers to a weekend away together playing kickball. Dear warm weather: I'm so glad we are in the warmer months of the year. WELCOME, heat! Dear beautiful blog friends: Thank you for reading and still being here. Y'all are so sweet and your comments on Wednesday's post mean more than you know. Have a wonderful weekend! xx 

Coffee Date

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Guys, it's been more than a YEAR since our last coffee date. Crikey! Time to fix, don't you think?

If we were having coffee...

The first thing I would do is hug you, because it's been so long. I'm a hugger, through and through and friends get hugged at least twice a meeting #sorrynotsorry. If you really don't like hugs, I'll give you at least a high five, that's just how I roll.

If we were having coffee...

We'd probably muddle through the weather [gorgeous here in Tennessee right now] and I'd probably next ask about your current job. Do you like it? Is it worth it? Is it new or something you've had going on for awhile? I'd ask you first, because the J O B question is quite a loaded one for me and I'd hate to monopolize the conversation. Right now, my current job, is 100% less stressful than my previous managers position, but I honestly still am not happy. I'm back in an administrative job and one that can be quite boring. But, the money is more [not much, but still] and I get to lock away the day when I lock up the door each evening. The best part is the fact I'm done with work at 3:00pm on Fridays, woooohooo.

If we were having coffee...

I couldn't mention work without talking about my second job, being a fitness instructor. Ah, the light of my working life. At the moment I am certified in four LES MILLS classes, plus a BARRE ABOVE class and my workload is four classes a week. Teaching classes weekly is my happy place and right now being 'out of commission' is quite hard.

If we were having coffee...

Which brings me to my recent surgery. As we're 'chatting' I would realize it's been almost two weeks since my gallbladder surgery, something I find quite astonishing. After so many years [yes, years] of off and on pain, plus the last year of dreadfully horrible pains I'm finally free. Honestly, I'd probably take a sip of my FULL FAT latte after that sentence, since I'd been surviving on skim milk for all dairy the past six months. Today I'm actually seeing the doctor for a post op appointment and hoping for a good report. My recovery was much tougher than expected and it will be nice to find out why and if I'm technically cleared to start teaching again.

If we were having coffee...

The next topic would probably be family and vacation plans. My family is doing pretty well, I just don't see them nearly enough anymore. Sportyspice being in Arizona is still so far away, but she and her husband are doing well. She's almost done with school and then will start teaching swim lessons for the summer. We are still waiting to hear back regarding the interview Babyspice had last week. I'm so hopeful and praying reverently because I know this is something she desperately wants. I'd probably ask you for prayers or good vibes for her. Mama and Daddy are doing quite well, going about life with substitute teaching [Mama] and being a leader at an Army college [Daddy]. Summertime makes me miss them so, as there were always fun get togethers at the pool on weekends.

If we were having coffee...

It would be about time to start wrapping things up as we both would be moving on to the next thing. I'd say 'Let's do it again soon' and hopefully you would agree. Before you left, I'd of course give you a big hug and send you of with a 'love you'. Because, you know, that's how I roll < 3

C U R R E N T L Y

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reading - a little bit of this and that it seems. random romantic novels, history novels, my NASM textbook and getting back into daily reading blogs. any good book recommendations?

anticipating - my first travel kickball tournament of the year. excited and nervous for the weekend.

buying - nothing really. trying really hard to stay on a budget, because you know, new house and surgery. oh wait, i had to buy a new phone because my old phone died suddenly then came back to life. #freakout

praying - babyspice gets the job she interviewed for, earlier this week. #yougotitsissy

listening - to my favorite murder podcast and NEW RELEASE music for LES MILLS! #stareyes

watching - reruns of downtown abbey, LES MILLS videos and elementary.

devouring - all the fatty foods because I FINALLY CAN EAT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN! 

loving - the beautiful warm weather, sunny skies and beautiful scenery down here in Tennessee.

hating - feeling so sluggish and slow from being on workout restriction.

wanting - a good report from my post operation appointment today. #fingerscrossed

hoping - my body will snap back into action once I'm cleared to teach. need to get moving and back in shape. eating all the foods has decimated the work of the past few months. low fat diets work.

feeling - ever so grateful for support. my fitness friends stepped up when I needed classes covered, checked up on me after surgery, visited me when I was recovering and are there for me when I need to vent about not being able to workout. I'm also grateful for my family, my mother especially because she came down to play nurse, my husband who helped me on the day of surgery and the rest who texted and called to keep my spirits up the first day. grateful beyond belief.

wishing - i knew where life was heading. i have ideas, plans and obstacles to overcome. it's hard waiting.

Alive and Recovery

Hello, sweet friends, hello. I am alive, well and recovering from my gallbladder surgery on Thursday. Thank you so much for all the prayers, kind words on last week's post, well wishes and good vibes.

Surgery day went smoothly, my gallbladder was more inflamed than expected so surgery was a bit longer than originally thought, but the surgeon did an incredible job. I have four scars on my belly now and the belly button incision is the one causing the most pain, if you will.

Honestly, my recovering is going slower than I would like [imagine that] and I've been in a bit more pain than I expected. Other people have stated how EASY this surgery was for them so I expected it to be even easier for me. Well, wouldn't you know that hasn't been the case? Friday and Saturday I was extremely slow, tired and needed help standing and sitting. I went for a pedicure and lunch with my Mama and aunt, which was a blast, but I was wiped out when it was all over and done.

Lots of laying on the couch resting, not a lot of getting things done. Which I'm learning to be okay with right now. I mean, I lost an organ. OF MY BODY! It is gone! No longer functioning, so now my body is healing and learning how to function without it. Trying to do too much is not going to help me heal faster and I need to not worry about how other people have recovered. My story, my journey.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym in the next few days. FOR EASY workouts, don't worry. Walking the treadmill or moving slowly on the elliptical. No lifting until next week for sure.

Again, thank you for the support. I was unbealievely scared about going under anesthesia and worried about having surgery away from my squad back home. But, God provided support with y'all, with Facebook, with Instagram and with friends who have become family down here. Friends who checked in on me constantly and friends who visited. I am a blessed woman and thankful, so unbelievably thankful.

I wish you the best week, loves <3 

I'm Scared...And That's Okay

Tomorrow is the big day. S  U  R  G  E  R  Y. That scary, ugly word. It's finally happening, kids.

And I'm so scared.

And that's okay.

I'm scared about being put under anesthesia. I know I'm healthy and strong, basically a best case scenarios but I'm still scared. Things can happen. Crazy things. Horrible things. Doctors aren't perfect. Things can go wrong. Who knows. So, yeah, I'm scared and that's okay.

I'm scared about how I'll feel afterwards. From everyone I know I've heard surgery is easy peasy lemon squeezy after dealing with attacks [the worst], so I'm hopeful. But, I'm also cautious. Sometimes I seem to be the one who has the worst reaction. And I hate feeling off, my body goes crazy when things aren't copacetic. I'm beyond grateful my mother will be in town to help me out, but being helpless is so not fun.

I'm scared about my recovery. The doctor said I could jump on the elliptical the next day if I wanted but I had to take two weeks off from teaching. I'm worried I'll lose tone. I'm worried I'll lose my shape and momentum. I'm scared my conditioning will tank. I'm scared this surgery will create something I'll have to overcome that I didn't have to deal with beforehand.

I'm scared about my diet afterwards. Will I be able to eat fats? Will my body be back to breaking down foods normally? Will I eat all the things? Will I get sick? Will I have to completely retrain my brain with food?

Basically I'm scared because I'm not in control. And that's okay. Surgery, any kind, is major and fear is okay. I believe everything will go well and I believe it will be fine, but I'm still scared. So, if you can, please say a could of prayers or kind words for me tomorrow. xx

Ten Things I Suck At

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Math. I hate it. It hates me. Perfect relationship. Calculators are my best friends.

Holding the snark when someone wrongs me. The B comes out and she's a nasty one.

Drinking alcohol. Used be AWESOME and could keep up with most. Now, two drinks and I'm toast.

Saying the word brewery. Can't do it unless I say it super slow.

Letting go. One day it will happen. One day.

Saying no. Somehow it often turns into the word yes.

Keeping still when music is playing. I can't stop the feet, I must move to the beat.

Sleeping. Takes me awhile to fall asleep and I constantly wake up during the night. Woof.

Not being the best athletically. I hate when someone is better than me at anything athletic, minus professional athletes. I want to be the best, always.

Granting patience to those closest to me. Too often they receive the least amount of my patience which is wrong on so many different levels. Truly trying to change this about myself.

Borrowed from *here*