May 25, 2017

Average is my Enemy

++++++This post is brought to you my over active brain. By some self loathing with a side of wallowing. If you're in a happy place, just skip, because I don't want to bring you down. Yet, this post has to happen. These words have to be said and out of my being before I explode. Feel free to X out this post and don't worry about commenting. This is for me and for my sanity!++++++

I HATE being average. When I say hate, I'm talking the Grinch "Hate, hate, hate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY".  Since I can remember I've been "good" not "great". Decent enough soccer player to be an NCAA athlete, but not great enough to do anything significant in the records. Smart enough student for good greats, but not straight A excelling. Fun, active and fit instructor, yet no where near the caliber to train/inspire others. Friend people enjoy getting to be around, but not the first call for an outing or the life of the party everyone wants to be around. Cute in my own way, but nothing show stopping or head turning.

This mediocrity crushes my soul when I realize how little I stand out. Is that egotistical? 100% yes, but I've never been one to say I don't have an ego. I want to be the best or at least in the top three. I've held stock there every so often, in different pieces of life, however it has never truly amounted to what I hoped.

Kickball this weekend just seemed to expose this frustrating feeling, nagging in the back of my head recently. In the past, no matter how hard I tried, practiced and spent time scheming, I was never in the top talk. I was in the GOOD players bracket, but not the great. It was frustrating, but I was in the top group on my team so that gave me some solace.

Flash forward to this past weekend, with my new team. I knew going in my playing time would be limited because the team was stacked with incredibly talented women, who also have been with the team for years. I was ONLY added on because they wanted Le Husband on the team. Which, in itself is a bit of a blow to the ego, but has kind of been the way of life since the beginning of our kickball coupledom. I honestly was just excited to be on the team, be back in the kickball realm and thrilled to be a part of a team that could win it all again.

We won on Saturday which was awesome. So, so, so awesome to win with new friends and Le Husband. But, it also was really hard because I honestly felt so insignificant in the scheme of the team. Not sure why I thought it would be easy for me to sit on the sidelines when I agreed to play since I'm so competitive. Hindsight I know it's because I wanted to play one more year and because Le Husband was doing it and I hate being left out of anything. So, while I enjoyed being there, winning with him and the team it was so much harder than anticipated.

Compounding this 'average' feeling is the fact my husband is a superstar freak of nature athlete. This isn't meant as a statement about any other husband/boyfriend out there, this is just plain fact. He is good at every athletic sport he plays and quickly becomes the team superstar almost every time. People love him because he is good, reliable and gets the job done in a quiet unassuming way 99.9% of the time [he's lost it a few times, but those are rare]. Away from the kickball field we both have our fortes and niches, however, every tournament I'm reminded how INCREDIBLE he is and how average I am. And yes, you're reading this paragraph correctly. I am jealous of my husband and YES I realize how stupid that sounds. Understand I'm 90% proud 10% jealous. Seeing him succeed makes me so happy and proud, I just sometimes wish I could be the one being awesome.

So now, what do I do? Stop playing so the evil green monster can't come out? Admit to myself average is what I am in the grand scheme of things? Truthfully, I'm not sure what I want to do right now. Sunday, after an even more deflating women's tournament I was *THIS* close to just quitting and walking away. I can't be bad at something I no longer participate in right? Then I thought more about it and how hard it was to get the starts to align so being on this team could happen so I'm keeping my mouth shut around people.

Please understand I recognize how lucky I am in life. I truly, truly, do. Babyspice pointed out that being good/decent in the things listed above is something many people will never know, which I understand and appreciate. Yet, there is little solace to me right now, because average is my enemy. Part of me thinks I need to refocus on WHAT I want and why I want it so I can find a plan of action for greatness. #notimeforaverage.


11 comments:

sara [at] journey of doing said...

So. I think this is compounded by the loss of control you've been feeling for awhile. I think it feels like the one thing you can control and that's why you're thinking about quitting. Don't quit yet. Give it some time. See if it doesn't start looking up as you regain your routine, get back to normal, etc. if you are still feeling average (you're not btw), then re-evaluate whether or not this is what will make you happiest during your off time. I just think you are readjusting to life. ;)

Kathy@MoreCoffeeLessTalky said...

GIRL I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. my husband is a natural athlete and has amazing charisma that people are drawn to. Like when we went axe throwing, it took me 3/4 of the time we were there to even get the axe to stick to the board (not even close to the bullseye) but my husband? 2 throws, hits the bullseye and gets into top 3 for the prize. Or now, how he's been cycling for 3yrs and legit blows everyone else out of the water and they've been cycling for 6+yrs. Wins races, awards, recognition for best improvement, even made it in to 10% of his age group in the NY gran fondo so out of 500+ men his age, he came in 40th.

yet here i am struggling with muay thai even though i train like fuck and still can't get shit right.

i know that we're different but man, can my husband suck at anything?! LOL

Marie said...

I so know how you feel. I'm not good at much of anything and it's hard not to feel less than mediocre all the time. I try to be positive but it isn't easy. I find taking a break really helps. Give it time, things have a way of working themselves out. Stay strong and have faith.

Kate at Green Fashionista said...

Girl I have so been there, and am sending all the *hugs*
Green Fashionista

Bitzy said...

I get that this is a venting post but just know that you're sooooo far above average though!! You only feel average because you are surrounded by people who are like-minded, socioeconomically privileged, & athletic. You're among people who choose to spend hundreds -- most spend thousands -- yearly on kickball (not knocking that) so remember you feel "average" among the people who dedicate the most time and money and take kickball the most seriously of anyone in the country or even world. If you find yourself in the median among them, that's not "average." Think about how many women don't even play sports, for soooo many reasons. Think about the women who do play and can't make contact with the ball, even at slow pitch. Outside the super-elite kickball bubble, you're so beyond rock-star status.

Also, how many people actually get to play NCAA sports in college? That makes you way above average athletically, plus you are an incredible teammate and athlete beyond ability as you are smart, coachable, dedicated & too stubborn to give up (which count for so much in a teammate).

Jen said...

I think everyone has experienced this at some point in their lives, I sure as hell know I have. Being average in your own eyes can be incredibly frustrating because you don't want to see what everyone else does. Just know (even though it's hard to hear) you are not average, you are amazing!

Cece @Mahogany Drive said...

"This mediocrity crushes my soul when I realize how little I stand out." I could have written this line myself girlfriend. I am not kidding. My husband is also a rockstar. Everything he touches turns to gold. It's one thing to be average and okay with it and entirely another to be average and not okay with it nor have the wherewithal to do anything about it. In and of itself I don't think there is anything wrong with being average. The bulk of the population is average. The bummer is when it makes you feel super bad about yourself. We just have to look on the bright side. Also know that however average you might feel there is someone out there who is thinking man that girl is awesome!! Also, remember that those awesome husbands chose us!!!

Curly Girl Confessions said...

Why focus on the things you feel make you average and instead the things that do in fact make you stand out? IE: Your smile, your ability to lead, your integrity, your love for your family and the list could go on and on and this list is just from seeing what you show the internet world. I am sure that you can smash your husband in SOMETHING if you really think about it. And I have to agree with your sister, there are many, many women and men that would do ANYTHING to at least be average. ;)

BLovedBoston said...

I'm so sorry that you're having these feelings! I for one know for a fact you inspire me to work out & push myself harder and I think you're more than a "good" trainer!

Melissa said...

I feel like this post literally just spoke to my soul. My greatest fear has literally always been that I'd be ordinary, and while I just adore my life, I also feel like I've fell into the status quo, and I hate that. I want SO much to really succeed at something, but those feelings of inadequacy like to come back and bite me in the butt all the time. Seriously.

Sending you all the hugs because I truly understand where you're coming from <3

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