April 9, 2013

Empty

That's how death makes me feel.

I feel alone.

I feel sad.

I feel like NOTHING else matters.

Nothing.

I turn 30 next week, but so what?

My party is this Friday, who cares?

Last year my blog was a flutter of birthday thoughts and sparkles.

But, now, this week, this year, not so much.

I almost phoned it in and faked it today.

I planned to fake it tomorrow too.

With a WILW post about what I LOVE about birthday week.

Or, what I want for my birthday.

30 is going to rock and I was ready to be an example of excitement.

Too many people dread 30, period.

I'm embracing it and want to share that with people.

Yet, now that seems so trite.

 My outlook on 30 hasn't changed, it's gonna be a great year.

However, my birthdayaholic nature has been squashed.

Death has stomped out the birthday fire. 

Maybe I'll regain it, maybe I won't.

In reality it's REALLY not that big of a deal.

It's easy to say 'buck up butter cup'. I do it to people all the time.

Death and the loss of a loved one isn't one of those times.

My soul is sad.

I've been sad before [obvi] but very rarely is my SOUL and inner-self sad.

The smile is still there, but the eyes aren't.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to listen.

I don't want to do anything.

I'll still chat about things, smile about wedding/birthday stuff or ask you about your day.

My heart just isn't in it.

Maybe I just need the closure of a funeral and a release.

Maybe I just need to see these words written 'out loud'.

Maybe something someone says will strike a chord.

Or, maybe it will just take TIME, sweet sweet time.

My Great Aunt's death has opened a scab I thought was closed.

I lost quite a bit of my spark after my grandmother died.

It was MONTHS before my faith was restored and I was truly happy again.

I can only pray I listen for the Lord's words better this time around.

Death sucks, the devil sucks and sometimes you just need to say 'it sucks'.

4 comments:

Nikki said...

What's going on? You need a shoulder to cry on? Thinking bout you. Xoxo

Erin said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry lady. I'll be sending you lots of hugs and thoughts and well wishes. Hang in there!

Jenn said...

I know it's hard, especially when sad things happen so close to exciting things. But, you're allowed to grieve and be upset! So, take the time to heal yourself, and grieve, and get back to the happy-go-lucky place that you live in :)
I'm here for you, always!

Carolyn said...

I'm SO SO SO SO SO sorry sweet friend! :( I'm thinking about you and wish there was something I could do to make you feel better! Please know that I'm here if you need to chat! Love you!