February 29, 2012

Stream of Consciousness

***Disclaimer: If you are looking for a happy post or something to make you feel good use the red X to the right immediatly. This post is NOT for making anyone feel better***

The weather here is really crappy today. Rainy, cold, yucky and just blah! Fits my mood perfectly. I've been down in the dumps lately and I have no earthly idea why. I'm moping and not fun. I feel fake smiling. I honestly don't really FEEL much right now. Except like this!
I am not editing my thoughts right now, maybe that will help me get to the heart of my problem. I've found I'm sad as soon as I drive home. I'm not bursting into the room like I usually do. I am responsive and polite, but I'm NOT out going or fun, giggly, silly, crazy...which is normal for me. C is not really sure what is going on and bless his heart he is asking me what's wrong. He's trying, but right now I really don't care. I've just told him "I'm tired" when he asks "what's wrong". Monday he said "I don't like you tired" which made me smile a little, because it makes me feel that he likes my craziness. Sometimes I feel I'm too much for him to take and that positive affirmation meant a lot. But apparently not enough, because I was watching TV with him last night looking like her.
My mood is affecting my blogging too. I feel like I HAVE NOTHING important to say. Everyone out there talks about their life or their passion and I am blown away by what they have going on in their lives. People have focus, have heart, have drive have MEANING and I feel all I do is write about my weekend and then a random list of confessions. How boring! How does that make anyone better for reading? I don't take pretty pictures. I can't 'create' my own recipes. My DIY gene is non-existent. I'm not on Pintrest and really don't care to be. I enjoy makeup and fashion but am in NO way a guru or able to really give advice. I don't have the money to try new products and write reviews. I don't think anyone would care if I wrote about sports. Fitness is important to me, but it is not my passion. Endorphins after working out are AWESOME but I still struggle to make it to the gym sometimes so I can mark a big X through fitnesssybloggying. SPORTS are my passion, but there really isn't anything out there for me.

I am having huge ENVY/GRASS is greener issues at the moment as well. Cyberstalking people on facebook and becoming SO jealous about what their lives are like. EVERYONE is married! Everyone has babies! People are dating sports super stars! People have amazing job opportunities now because they have worked their tails off early on. And I'm STILL sitting at this job I got when I was 24. JUST a job, not a career. I wanted to go into sports broadcasting, hit one speed bump and dropped my dream. Now every time I see Erin Andrews on TV I get sad. Don't get me wrong, she is gorgie and amazing and I am happy she is living her dream, but I WANTED THAT DREAM. And every day it's one day farther away. And I'm STUCK here! I am too scared to take ANY chances. I suck.

 I have always prided myself in being fit and strong. I don't have curves, never have never will. I am petite and look like I'm in high school still, even though I am almost 30. I'm not gorgeous or a model, but I was always the envy of my friends for being SO in shape and SO fit. I had the six pack! I had the tight booty! I had the toned and defined arms. I was the fastest on my soccer team. I was tiny but could hold my own on the field! When I felt insecure I would hold stock that I was FIT and in shape. And the kicker, I didn't have to try that I hard. I could eat whatever I wanted and soccer practice would take it all away.

But NOW, yeah peace out hot body. My weight has plateaued and it sucks. I'm soft in places I was NEVER soft. My stomach is flab! My booty...yeah it's just big. I'm not strong anymore. I can't run because of my shins, but I do it anyway on the elliptical. Leaving the gym I am high on endorphins, but also LOW because I'm in pain. But I'm NOT quitting. I did that last year and I got fat. I hated my body and my self esteem plummeted. Never again.

You know what else sucks...I hate food now. Everything is the same. We eat peppers, onions, garlic and then a protein. Fixed the same way, all the time. Chicken, beef, shrimp or fish. No starches or complex carbs. No rice! No pasta! I hate the caveman paleo diet C is SO gungho about. But I do it anyway because again, I don't want to be fat. I shop at Whole Foods and spend a fortune but to what gain? I miss chips! I miss spaghetti! I want rice and pasta and potatoes!!!! I'm surviving on larabars, salads, nuts, larabars and water at my office. I get home and I'm hungry. I eat dinner and I'm hungry. I wake up hungry, but don't have anything to eat because I haven't been grocery shopping. Food used to be fun. Now it's just substance. That sucks.

If you've made it this far you deserve a medal. Trust me, I know this is a super huge pity post but I really don't care. I'm typing stream of consciousness and this is what has come out. I JUST WANNA SCREAM! I wanna slap myself silly for being so upset about NOTHING. A sweet blogger friend of mine just had surgery and I'm complaining?!?! My coworker had a health scare yesterday and I'm complainig!?!? There was a shooting at an Ohio HS and I'm complaining?!?! There is a war that Blackhops is helping to fight and I'm complaining?!!?!?!

This weekend was great fun with friends and family celebrating SportySpice's birthday. The love in my apartment was apparent, you could see it everywhere. My BFF T and I are back to a good place and I am so thankful. I adore my friends, le Beau and family, they are wonderful. Buttttttttt, something is wrong! Something is missing! Something doesn't feel right and I don't know what it is.

Get a grip child! Get a grip!


Jenn said...

I want to write a ton on here but I dont have a lot of time at the moment. However, I want you to know that how youre feeling is normal! And I think you just need to start changing small things. Like allowing yourself to have some food that you want so that you're not always hungry or craving something. THAT is healthy. Moderation, right? We can go out and do fun things together--like I just saw a Painting and Wine class...lets do that! I get in funks too, so you're not alone, I promise! *hugs*

Page Twenty-Two said...

It is so normal to feel this way! I have been there so many times before. You feel guilty about being sad for no reason when others have serious reasons to be sad. You have every right to feel the way you feel though! Don't think you are ever too old or too inexperienced to follow your dream! Its never too late to take classes, learn new things and try something that excites you! You are gorgie inside and out and you should find new things to make you happy - especially since we spend so much of our lives at "work" Chin up buttercup!

Michelle P said...

I know exactly how you feel! I hope everything gets better.

Valerie Griffin said...

you are an amazing lady! & i love your blog :) praying for you!

Monica said...

Oh god I can't even begin to tell you how normal this is. I love your blog, I love that you are being so very honest on it today as well. You dont have to be a fitness guru, a fashionista or even super creative to have a great blog that is what makes you so fun. It can be tiring to see such perfection everywhere when you feel like you want it and can't get there but like you said the grass is always greener on the other side :)

JMB said...

SEEEEEESTER, You need a change....you have just realized that you have the same exact scenerio day in and day out....Lord have mercy, anyone would be like this {but that's not to say it's a DISASTER either hahaha} You need to spice it up a tad, that's all...Maybe you should cook a decadent meal? I would say plan a long weekend but you two have been jet-setting lately so it's not like getting out of your current zipcode is going to help :) Maybe we are both just seasonally depressed and won't perk up until spring gets here? You reckon? hahahahaha it's poss. I am going to keep you in my prayers though!! You are SUCH an amazing friend/person/GIRL and plum full of life....we need to get this fixed and PRONTO el MUNDO haha.


Carolyn said...

Oh my pretty in pink friend! I completely get where you're coming from! I'm in a blog rut too, and I feel like there is NO SUBSTANCE coming out anywhere! Also - I hear you on eating healthy and working out. I try to do a mix of the two... I love food, and want to enjoy the super yummy stuff, but I know I can't eat it all the time (or I'll be a gigantor). The way I look at it is everything in moderation... and as for working out, maybe try classes or something, so you get a good workout, but it seems more fun? As far as the envy goes... I think that's normal. I definitely have it. When it hits me, I try to tell myself that I have an amazing life - a man that loves me, a family that would do anything for me and friends that I couldn't imagine living without. That's all you really need. (you DEFINITELY have all of those!!!) I hope that my little comment (or really long comment... whatever) is helping, but if you need me to whip your butt into shape you just tell me and I'll give you more talk about how amazing and funny and brilliant you are. :)

Courtney Johnson said...

Better out then in!!!
(I always feel relieved after a good vent session and realizing that I am not alone with my feelings)

Lots of love!!!

Holly said...

Oh I just knew there was a reason why you're one of my closest bloggy buddies. I can totally relate to you (sooo stressed... thank you money or lack there of, family problems, my job no career here either). The fake smile thing, I've got it going on too. I was just thinking how I might tone down on the blogging thing. I feel so much pressure to have a post up every single day. I don't want that unnecessary pressure, this should be fun. I totally commend you for being brave and writing this post. Some days life just seems so unfair. I hate not knowing the answers to the "why" questions. And I'm going to tell you this because yes I am trying to make you cheer up but also because it is true: you are a beautiful person! Every time I read your blog, you make me laugh. Your dedication to the things you love like your family, C, your sports, that amazes me. I am the kind of person that tries something and gives up so soon. You may not know it but you're an inspiration even if it's just through this little blog of yours. Smile girlie <3

Vicki said...

Girl! Are you inside my head? For realz I am right there with you on almost everything you said ... I feel your pain and it sucks! But keep your head up girl! Hopefully its just a case of the winter blues and as soon as the sun starts shining regularly and the weather gets a little better our moods & outlook on life will improve! xoxo

Alyssa said...

Oh girl!! I am so right there with you!! I don't have the money to buy and try new things, I moved here a year ago and still have no friends and no social life to blog about and I really struggle (a lot lately) with what to blog about. You don't blog about "just" anything!! You blog about you and things you do and confessions and I love it because you're just being you and you're writing about what YOU want to write about not what makes other happy!!! I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but please know that I love your blog and love reading what you write!! Chase your dreams girl, it is NEVER too late! Never!!!!

Janna Renee said...

First of all- GO EAT SOME CARBS!! I cut carbs out for a bit and I was MISERABLE. True story. Our bodies are used to them and when you cut them out- it makes you feel like ASS! I am dead serious. Eat good carbs- whole wheat tortillas, whole- wheat anything, and it will not only up your mood, but it will make you feel full longer! You can even cut up the tortillas and make your OWN chips! Also- take fish oil. It also helps with mood. After you do these things- reevaluate. I PROMISE you will see things in a different light. How do I know this? A) I've been through this, and B) You are beautiful, wonderful, funny, entertaining and I keep coming back to your blog because it IS A GREAT blog. You know I am here for you anytime, my love. Anytime.