Stream of Consciousness

***Disclaimer: If you are looking for a happy post or something to make you feel good use the red X to the right immediatly. This post is NOT for making anyone feel better***

The weather here is really crappy today. Rainy, cold, yucky and just blah! Fits my mood perfectly. I've been down in the dumps lately and I have no earthly idea why. I'm moping and not fun. I feel fake smiling. I honestly don't really FEEL much right now. Except like this!

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I am not editing my thoughts right now, maybe that will help me get to the heart of my problem. I've found I'm sad as soon as I drive home. I'm not bursting into the room like I usually do. I am responsive and polite, but I'm NOT out going or fun, giggly, silly, crazy...which is normal for me. C is not really sure what is going on and bless his heart he is asking me what's wrong. He's trying, but right now I really don't care. I've just told him "I'm tired" when he asks "what's wrong". Monday he said "I don't like you tired" which made me smile a little, because it makes me feel that he likes my craziness. Sometimes I feel I'm too much for him to take and that positive affirmation meant a lot. But apparently not enough, because I was watching TV with him last night looking like her.

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My mood is affecting my blogging too. I feel like I HAVE NOTHING important to say. Everyone out there talks about their life or their passion and I am blown away by what they have going on in their lives. People have focus, have heart, have drive have MEANING and I feel all I do is write about my weekend and then a random list of confessions. How boring! How does that make anyone better for reading? I don't take pretty pictures. I can't 'create' my own recipes. My DIY gene is non-existent. I'm not on Pintrest and really don't care to be. I enjoy makeup and fashion but am in NO way a guru or able to really give advice. I don't have the money to try new products and write reviews. I don't think anyone would care if I wrote about sports. Fitness is important to me, but it is not my passion. Endorphins after working out are AWESOME but I still struggle to make it to the gym sometimes so I can mark a big X through fitnesssybloggying. SPORTS are my passion, but there really isn't anything out there for me.

I am having huge ENVY/GRASS is greener issues at the moment as well. Cyberstalking people on facebook and becoming SO jealous about what their lives are like. EVERYONE is married! Everyone has babies! People are dating sports super stars! People have amazing job opportunities now because they have worked their tails off early on. And I'm STILL sitting at this job I got when I was 24. JUST a job, not a career. I wanted to go into sports broadcasting, hit one speed bump and dropped my dream. Now every time I see Erin Andrews on TV I get sad. Don't get me wrong, she is gorgie and amazing and I am happy she is living her dream, but I WANTED THAT DREAM. And every day it's one day farther away. And I'm STUCK here! I am too scared to take ANY chances. I suck.

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 I have always prided myself in being fit and strong. I don't have curves, never have never will. I am petite and look like I'm in high school still, even though I am almost 30. I'm not gorgeous or a model, but I was always the envy of my friends for being SO in shape and SO fit. I had the six pack! I had the tight booty! I had the toned and defined arms. I was the fastest on my soccer team. I was tiny but could hold my own on the field! When I felt insecure I would hold stock that I was FIT and in shape. And the kicker, I didn't have to try that I hard. I could eat whatever I wanted and soccer practice would take it all away.

But NOW, yeah peace out hot body. My weight has plateaued and it sucks. I'm soft in places I was NEVER soft. My stomach is flab! My booty...yeah it's just big. I'm not strong anymore. I can't run because of my shins, but I do it anyway on the elliptical. Leaving the gym I am high on endorphins, but also LOW because I'm in pain. But I'm NOT quitting. I did that last year and I got fat. I hated my body and my self esteem plummeted. Never again.

You know what else sucks...I hate food now. Everything is the same. We eat peppers, onions, garlic and then a protein. Fixed the same way, all the time. Chicken, beef, shrimp or fish. No starches or complex carbs. No rice! No pasta! I hate the caveman paleo diet C is SO gungho about. But I do it anyway because again, I don't want to be fat. I shop at Whole Foods and spend a fortune but to what gain? I miss chips! I miss spaghetti! I want rice and pasta and potatoes!!!! I'm surviving on larabars, salads, nuts, larabars and water at my office. I get home and I'm hungry. I eat dinner and I'm hungry. I wake up hungry, but don't have anything to eat because I haven't been grocery shopping. Food used to be fun. Now it's just substance. That sucks.

If you've made it this far you deserve a medal. Trust me, I know this is a super huge pity post but I really don't care. I'm typing stream of consciousness and this is what has come out. I JUST WANNA SCREAM! I wanna slap myself silly for being so upset about NOTHING. A sweet blogger friend of mine just had surgery and I'm complaining?!?! My coworker had a health scare yesterday and I'm complainig!?!? There was a shooting at an Ohio HS and I'm complaining?!?! There is a war that Blackhops is helping to fight and I'm complaining?!!?!?!

This weekend was great fun with friends and family celebrating SportySpice's birthday. The love in my apartment was apparent, you could see it everywhere. My BFF T and I are back to a good place and I am so thankful. I adore my friends, le Beau and family, they are wonderful. Buttttttttt, something is wrong! Something is missing! Something doesn't feel right and I don't know what it is.

Get a grip child! Get a grip!