Why Can't I Be Happy?

Well, I mean I am happy. Life is really, really good. Not perfect, but I've never expected perfection. Good and great is perfect enough for me. 

Except when it comes to my physical appearance and physique. I've always been hard on myself when it comes to how I look or how people perceive me. It drove me crazy when I was in high school and college and people told me how 'young' I looked. Or, always assumed I was in MS when I was in HS or in HS when I was in college.

Even though I resented the 'you look so young comments', I was always told 'One day you'll love it". Haven't gotten there yet, shocker.

While I was never seen as the hot lil thang within my group of friends, I was always the one that was in shape. I never had a six pack that showed without flexing [a la babyspice and sportyspice. yes you can hate them too haha]. But, I was solid and enjoyed a flat, toned stomach. I didn't let the fact that I had tiny tatas and no curves really bother me, because most girls coveted how in shape I was and the fact I had the ability to eat whatever I wanted. I was solid and strong and that was what I wanted.

I've never wanted to be the thin, slender girl that looks like the wind could blow her over. I knew those girls in college and never envied them. They'd get winded running up a flight of stairs or lifting 2.5 pound weights. I played soccer in college so I needed to be able to muscle girls off the ball and run for days. The two a day practices made it quite easy to stay fit and eat whatever I pleased. Now, as a woman in my 30s I'm struggling with the gut that most girls complained about in college.

Yes, gut.

I feel that I look like all the prego mama's that are six to ten weeks along that haven't popped yet. I constantly feel like I'm sporting a food baby [causethereaintnootherbabyinthere] and it's caused my self esteem to take a major nose dive. I've had to give away skirts/pants because they don't fit me anymore. I just feel big and massive and gross. The scale is showing a weight I never expected to see until I became prego my eggo [whichiainto] and I just feel like crap.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to A C C E P T the number on the scale, despite knowing I've put on muscle. I'm okay with my pants that are too tight on my legs, because I'm lifting them heavy [squatting 135] so obviously they are bigger. I've also grown out of some shirts because my back and arms are too big now. This too is attributed to the amount of weight I'm choosing to lift [benching 95-100 consistently]. Looking through my workout book you'd seen an incredible increase of weight in the last four months, which should be cause for celebration, but it's not because of how I feel.

Why can't I be happy when Le Husband tells me my arms are yoked? You know what I think when he says that "But, they aren't cut enough, because you can only tell when I go like this".

I couldn't even just take the compliment my lady doctor gave me when she was feeling up my sides, making sure I didn't have any lumps in my humps. She asked me "What are you doing? [towhichIthought awkward untilthesecondpartofthequestioncame] How much are you working out, because you are SOLID!"

SOLID! Which is what I want to be right?!?!

Well, yes. But I want to be solid. And cut. And a size 2. And strong. And 112 pounds.

Obviously, I can't be all things because being 112 pounds would cause me to lose the muscles I've worked so hard for. I'm just realizing I'm not like Le Husband that can just lift and have his body change. Damn it don't feel good to be a female.

This isn't a pityparty post. There is something to be said for putting something in writing and not just having it in my head. Something to be said for putting into the universe what I want to do and how I'm going to hold myself accountable. Because now, I can't hide from my feelings or thoughts. It's out there, for y'all to read and for me to reread when I'm feeling like I want to cheat.

It also isn't a post to get comments saying 'you're crazy, you look great', because I don't want that at all. I know I'm smaller than many women, but I'm not happy with myself, physically. I'm still in my winter body mode. The body that can be hidden with clothing that covers what I don't like. But, now we are getting into spring and summer wear, which means more of my body exposed. I wish I were there already and I wish it would just take comments to make me feel better, but it's going to take more.

It's going to take strict diet action and an increase in cardio. It's going to take a lot of intentional eating and strict will power too. All while continuing to pump iron like a dude, to ensure I can kick a bad guys @$$ in a fight ;)! And to keep my ancestors from being ashamed. 

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