May 1, 2014

Why Can't I Be Happy?

Well, I mean I am happy. Life is really, really good. Not perfect, but I've never expected perfection. Good and great is perfect enough for me. 

Except when it comes to my physical appearance and physique. I've always been hard on myself when it comes to how I look or how people perceive me. It drove me crazy when I was in high school and college and people told me how 'young' I looked. Or, always assumed I was in MS when I was in HS or in HS when I was in college.

Even though I resented the 'you look so young comments', I was always told 'One day you'll love it". Haven't gotten there yet, shocker.

While I was never seen as the hot lil thang within my group of friends, I was always the one that was in shape. I never had a six pack that showed without flexing [a la babyspice and sportyspice. yes you can hate them too haha]. But, I was solid and enjoyed a flat, toned stomach. I didn't let the fact that I had tiny tatas and no curves really bother me, because most girls coveted how in shape I was and the fact I had the ability to eat whatever I wanted. I was solid and strong and that was what I wanted.

I've never wanted to be the thin, slender girl that looks like the wind could blow her over. I knew those girls in college and never envied them. They'd get winded running up a flight of stairs or lifting 2.5 pound weights. I played soccer in college so I needed to be able to muscle girls off the ball and run for days. The two a day practices made it quite easy to stay fit and eat whatever I pleased. Now, as a woman in my 30s I'm struggling with the gut that most girls complained about in college.

Yes, gut.

I feel that I look like all the prego mama's that are six to ten weeks along that haven't popped yet. I constantly feel like I'm sporting a food baby [causethereaintnootherbabyinthere] and it's caused my self esteem to take a major nose dive. I've had to give away skirts/pants because they don't fit me anymore. I just feel big and massive and gross. The scale is showing a weight I never expected to see until I became prego my eggo [whichiainto] and I just feel like crap.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to A C C E P T the number on the scale, despite knowing I've put on muscle. I'm okay with my pants that are too tight on my legs, because I'm lifting them heavy [squatting 135] so obviously they are bigger. I've also grown out of some shirts because my back and arms are too big now. This too is attributed to the amount of weight I'm choosing to lift [benching 95-100 consistently]. Looking through my workout book you'd seen an incredible increase of weight in the last four months, which should be cause for celebration, but it's not because of how I feel.

Why can't I be happy when Le Husband tells me my arms are yoked? You know what I think when he says that "But, they aren't cut enough, because you can only tell when I go like this".

I couldn't even just take the compliment my lady doctor gave me when she was feeling up my sides, making sure I didn't have any lumps in my humps. She asked me "What are you doing? [towhichIthought awkward untilthesecondpartofthequestioncame] How much are you working out, because you are SOLID!"

SOLID! Which is what I want to be right?!?!

Well, yes. But I want to be solid. And cut. And a size 2. And strong. And 112 pounds.

Obviously, I can't be all things because being 112 pounds would cause me to lose the muscles I've worked so hard for. I'm just realizing I'm not like Le Husband that can just lift and have his body change. Damn it don't feel good to be a female.

This isn't a pityparty post. There is something to be said for putting something in writing and not just having it in my head. Something to be said for putting into the universe what I want to do and how I'm going to hold myself accountable. Because now, I can't hide from my feelings or thoughts. It's out there, for y'all to read and for me to reread when I'm feeling like I want to cheat.

It also isn't a post to get comments saying 'you're crazy, you look great', because I don't want that at all. I know I'm smaller than many women, but I'm not happy with myself, physically. I'm still in my winter body mode. The body that can be hidden with clothing that covers what I don't like. But, now we are getting into spring and summer wear, which means more of my body exposed. I wish I were there already and I wish it would just take comments to make me feel better, but it's going to take more.

It's going to take strict diet action and an increase in cardio. It's going to take a lot of intentional eating and strict will power too. All while continuing to pump iron like a dude, to ensure I can kick a bad guys @$$ in a fight ;)! And to keep my ancestors from being ashamed. 

[source]

18 comments:

Jenn said...

Just do whatever you feel like you need to do in order to see the changes that you want. If you're not happy, it doesn't matter what anyone else says/thinks. I hope you get to that happy place soon!

Illegally Blonde said...

Love you so much and I promise, I know how you feel. I think its the fact of life these days, that we are 31 and not 20-something. I noticed my body changing drastically when I hit 30, like hips widening, slower metabolism, gushy middle and no matter what I do, eat, lift, i can't seem to get the middle flat and the love handles, well gone. The best part though, is you know you are healthy and strong and not complaining per se, just not satisfied and that's ok, just don;t let it become an obsession and come before what is truly important. Its easy to put something like that on a pedestal and worship it, instead of Him. pray. xoxo, always

Jessi @ Jessi's Design said...

Fit! :) (motivate me! haha) You are perfect!

Ashley said...

I actually found that Hot yoga and Pure Barre transformed my body into the one I wanted instead of being cardio heavy like I had been. I think it's finding a mix of workouts that you love, healthy recipes and taking it one day at a time.

JumpingJE said...

I got a lot of great insight earlier this week when I talked about my insecurities in the reader's comments - basically everyone wanted to remind me that we will all have things we don't like about ourselves, but it's a mix of working on them and becoming less hard on ourselves in the process.

Just think - even your worst enemy wouldn't say the mean insulting things that you say about yourself (and if you're like I used to be, you say them several times a day!!)

I'm here for you - both for the mental and the physical <3

According to Jax said...

I know you didn't want comments to say "you're crazy, you look great"....but its hard not to say that because I was really shocked to read this blog post. I think you look amazing and beautiful and TONED!!! Your arms are always really toned and that makes me jealous! haha.
But I do know exactly what you mean...people say that to me all the time just because I'm a "small person". I'm 5'1'' and I wear a size 4....but that doesn't mean this size 4 body isn't flabby, has belly rolls & jiggly thighs!! (I'm good at hiding these flaws in cute winter clothes too!) But now that its warmer, I want to feel better about myself!
WISH YOU LIVED CLOSER..I NEED A WORKOUT PARTNER!!! xoxoxoxo!!!

BLovedBoston said...

I totally know how you feel - it's like your damned if you do and damned if you don't - i want muscle but not the weight that comes with it!! I definitely would choose being fit over thin any day of the week! I struggled with accepting my body my entire life and finally at 27 I'm able to be thankful for everything that I have...butt, boobs and all!!

Alisha said...

This is a great post, I find myself doing and saying negative things about my body all the time, and I hate it. It is always "I will feel better when _____" and that is no way to view yourself. Of course, I think you are gorgeous. But, totally understand what you mean... and how is it that when you hit your late 20's early 30's your body totally changes like every one says it will [butyousecretlydon'tbelievewillhappentoyou]??

~Dawn~ said...

I HEAR YA! I've been actively working out for about a few months now. Cardio and Strength training, BUT haven't lost a single pound. I told my husband that I must be pretty ripped with all the muscle I've been gaining...because the # on the scale is just NOT budging.

Kristen said...

i dont think you are crazy at all, but i do think you look great! we are our biggest critics, no matter what anyone else says its what we think that matters. i feel like you were talking about me though - i have always had a flat tummy and its something that people have always envied. as im getting older, its harder to keep the shape and weight, and im struggling. i needed to read this today, rather than wallow in my sorrows. thanks lady!

brooke lyn said...

the chase for perfection is hard sometimes. and dumb. what is not dumb is the feeling of being unhappy with your own body. that is never a fun feeling. It is that fine line of wanting to strive for your best self and wanting to be content with all the good you have going on with your body! good luck finding your best, healthiest self you have!

Jessica said...

As women, I think we are all pre-programmed to feel that we are never good enough no matter how in shape we are (and society encourages this to keep us by holding us to unattainable, Photoshopped standards). If we're muscular, we wish we were thinner. If we're thin, we wish we had more muscles. The list goes on. I, too, have been feeling like I need to do a LOT better in the toning up department. I am nowhere near as cut as you are, but seeing you motivates me to do better for sure!:) Just remember, you were made in His image - which is perfect! It's never bad to strive to be better, but remember you are already beautiful!

Cece said...

I totally get where you are coming from. My body has never been good enough for me no matter how thin or in shape other people think I am. I think I have a mild form of body dysmorphia! Loving my body is something that I'm just always going to be working on. Just know that you are not alone in that awful self loathing that others may not understand when looking at you.

Carolyn said...

Dude. I hear you. Granted - I am not solid and in shape right now. I am definitely out of shape. But I feel you on hating the number on the scale! Keep with what you're doing - you will get there! YOU CAN DO IT! :)

The Rachael Way said...

I know how you feel. As I've mentioned on the blog- I've been working so hard at losing weight but I NEVER EVER seem to feel happy with how I look. How do some people do it?
Love you, girl!

Janna Renee said...

Oh boy I can relate! One week I can be pretty okay with my body, and the next all I see is my bloated belly poking out. It's so frustrating. I'm trying to accept that I'm almost 30 years old and I shouldn't put such pressure on myself, but it's hard! You are still beautiful!

Ashley said...

you just put into words the struggle i've had my WHOLE life. I've always been the tall but not very thin girl. i know I"m not fat but I'm "bigger-boned" and if I work out, I gain muscle, I don't gain weight. I am right there with you girl...learning to accept myself as who God made me to be...which is not a size 2, 112 lbs ;) Love you! You rock...solid! hahahahaa OXXOX

Katie @ yellowmangolife.blogspot.com said...

Every girl I know struggles with this and it's easier said than done to wish we didn't. Seriously you look great. But I also know it's about how YOU feel in YOUR body and when you're not happy, it messes with your flow. Do what makes you happy - work out, eat healthy, enjoy a cocktail, don't starve yourself and love what you see in the mirror!