April 8, 2015

Best Month but the Worst Day

April is one of the best months of the year, in my opinion. Spring officially makes an apperance with warm weather, flowers start to bloom, trees start sprouting new life, Easter usually happens [depending on the year], sweaters are put away for sleeveless tops, outdoor workouts resume and oh yeah, it's my BIRTHDAY MONTH! I'm a self proclaimed birthdayaholic [not just for myself, I love celebrating my friend's birthdays too] so April is birthday month, full of sparkles, glitter, drinks and special eats. I LOVE SPRING! I LOVE BIRTHDAYS! I LOVE APRIL!

But, six years ago April lost some of it's luster. Unfairly pneumonia started an unexpected chain of events that stole a beautiful soul from this earth. My mother's mom, Mo, fell sick and within less than a week she was gone. The unexpectedness, the DNR [whole other post], the choice I made to wait until the weekend to head down to Tennessee [will regret missing that time for the rest of my life], have all made dealing with her death extremely hard. We had seen her that summer and had planned to see her the next summer just like we did every year. Our yearly Tennessee trip to the lake was a week of fun in the sun and family time with our grandparents and aunt, uncle and cousin. Sometimes there was a bit of family discord, but all in all it was a wonderful week of good food, family and sunshine.

Mo suffered a stroke when I was younger and she started suffering from Alzheimer's when I was in college. There had been falls in the past and we knew an assisted living home might become a possibility because our grandfather T-Bone wouldn't be able to care for her as she needed. We knew she was getting older and that more patience would be needed during visits. However, the patience was never needed because too soon she left us to be home with the Lord.

I miss her. EVERYDAY.I.MISS.HER! But, April hits me hard. It's no longer just a happy sparkly month. It's a month that brings sadness, anger and tears. April brings back the pain of that weekend, the sadness of a funeral and the memories of so many people coming to honor my grandmother. She was an amazing lady. One who always had a smile, had a heart of gold and just loved to be around family. I can close my eyes and see her waving goodbye to us as we drove away from their home. I can still hear her voice say "Hey there, doll".
 

I still grieve that she wasn't able to be here for my wedding. I've written about it before, but her being gone kept it from being the perfect day. She would have loved the excitement. She would have loved the party and the cupcakes. I'm sure she would have had her South Carolina opinion about something [peeled tomatoes, straight hair parted down the center], but she would have danced on the dance floor and told me I was her beautiful doll. She would have walked own the aisle so proudly and hugged me and Le Husband a million times. She never got to meet the man of my dreams or witness me become a wife. She will never see her great-grand children and she will never be able to pass down advice on being a mother. Those moments have been stripped away forever and I can't help but cry as I type.

I honored her at my wedding with a picture on our wedding cake table. She loved cake and ice cream and I knew I wanted her picture where all could witness her beautiful face. I find myself looking back to these photos every time I scroll through wedding pictures. It's the little piece of her I keep in my heart from that day.

Wasn't she gorgeous? I get my small stature from her and my petite lil frame. I wish I had taken the time to cook with her more. I wanted to learn her butter bean, potato salad and ham recipe. Mama B will teach me, I know, but I wish I had spent time in the kitchen with Mo. She loved to cook. That's how she showed love, by cooking dinner for us every night when we visited. She wasn't as athletic as she once was, due to a midlife surgery, so she couldn't participate in some of the fun on the lake. But she brought us dinner every night and it was delicious.

We lost my great aunt, Mo's sister in 2013 and it happened to be the same week we had to say good-bye to Mo. It was so hard and it ripped open a scab I thought was closed for good.  The anger came back. The hurt came back. And my faith felt tested once again. To be honest it feels tested every April 8th. She's not here anymore and I regret all of the things I didn't say to her and the moments I brushed off because I would get frustrated. I lost so much and it was all my fault. But, there is nothing I can do about it now. All I can do is honor her memory and remember all the joy she brought to my life. 

Dearest Mo, I hope you know that you are missed so greatly. I hope you are proud of the woman your doll baby has become. I hope you are proud of how much I love to be in the kitchen and how much I love to cook. I hope when you look down on us you smile at Le Husband. He's a great guy, even if he isn't southern ;)! I know you and Aunt Rah-Rah are keeping people well fed up in heaven and I'm happy that the two of you are together. We all wish you could still be with us, but we know it was time for you to go home. Please know how much we love you and how often you are still thought about. I'll always pick the vegetables from the back because of you. I love you to the moon and back! < 3 your doll!

***To those reading that have lost a parent, please know I grieve for you. Losing my grandmother hurts me so badly, but I can't imagine the suffering faced when losing a parent. Please know I'm praying for you and send you a big hug***

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37 comments:

BLovedBoston said...

I lost my grandfather when I was really young but (knock on wood) have been blessed to have both of my grandmothers well into their 80s...granted some days are harder than others, but I know what you mean about the regret that you feel. Your "Mo" was stunning and I am 100% positive that she guards you with that she is while looking over you!! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

My-cliffnotes said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grama will always be with you! That wedding cake photo is so beautiful!!!


Tab

Nikki said...

I am right there with you my friend! This April 13th marks 2 years that my Gram left us and to this day it still hurts!

Pamela {Sequins and Sea Breezes} said...

I know exactly what you mean. I lost my grandmother to pneumonia 5 years ago and it happened in a similar manner as yours. She got sick and it happened so fast. I was planning on going to visit that weekend and she passed on Thursday. I had literally talked to her hours before and told her we were coming to see her. So I know all about how hard it is to deal with a death like that. Just know she's watching down on you and is incredibly proud of the woman you are today!

<3, Pamela
Sequins & Sea Breezes

Illegally Blonde said...

Love you so much and know they are both looking down on you and are so proud of the woman you have become.

Kathy@RealTalk said...

the loss of a loved one will always leave a hole in your hear that you can never fill. my dad passed away in 2004 and all these years later, i still can't believe it. i have a very hard time visiting his grave site and i can't bear to look at the gravestone.

just know that your grams is watching over you and protecting you!

Elle Sees said...

i can totally see the resemblance. i love that her picture was there. if i ever got married, i'd make sure to incorporate my granny sugar and my daddy like this. thank you so much for your comments on yesterday's post. your words are a comfort.

Amanda {Kids and Cabernet} said...

So sorry for your loss losing a grandparent is so hard. I like you, wish I had more time with them and could earn more about them.

Janna Renee said...

Aww! She sounds like a wonderful woman! I love that you honored her like that at your wedding. Cheers to Mo up in Heaven!! {{HUGS}}

amanda @ as the wine cork turns said...

so sorry for your loss. we lost my grandmother 7 years ago on april 2nd. so this hit home for me. she obviously won't be there at my wedding in august - so we will do something special as well. sending you hugs!

Julia said...

What a beautiful lady and your love for her is evident! I think it's so sweet how you honored her at your wedding! I'm so very sorry for your loss, I know it's so hard to lose a loved one! I lost my dad several years ago and it hurts so much still, but it's so precious to know we will see them again someday! Oh grave where is your victory, death where is your sting! <3 ::HUGS::

Jen said...

She sounds like a truly amazing lady. Sending you lots of love today.

Mree said...

What a beautiful post. It took me a few times to read the whole thing because my eyes just filled with tears. I know just how you feel. I'm super super close with my grandmother and feel very blessed that I still have her. She is 91 and I can't even think about life without her. May you find comfort in your memories of your beloved Grandmother. I'm sure she is looking down upon you with much love, pride, and joy.

Christina Sotherden said...

It's always so hard to know the day you lost someone is coming then get through it even in the midst of the best months. I love how you put her photo on the cake table because she loved cake!

mariafelicia magno said...

nice post...

Claire | Fashion + Feathers said...

This makes me so sad for you. It's crazy how quickly things can change. I loved looking through your pictures, though. I'm sure she's looking down on you smiling. She may not have had the chance to meet Le Husband in this world but just wait 'til the next. it'll be an even bigger party than your wedding day was!

Alisha said...

I am so sorry for your loss, she sounds just lovely. You know she is looking down on you so proud of your accomplishments. Thinking of you today, friend.

Katie Elizabeth said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. She sounds like the most beautiful woman and I know she would be SO proud of you. I lost my mom in 2004 and even now, that week that it happened is just impossible to deal with. I don't know if it will ever get easier but I definitely take comfort in the fact that she is up there and free of pain and suffering :) Big hugs and lots of prayers to you this week!

Kay R. said...

Sorry for your loss love! You speak such great words about her and she sounds like a lovely lady :) I know the feeling. hugs!

Kate at Green Fashionista said...

*Hugs* gurlie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like such a beautiful person :)

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

Wishing you a day full of beautiful memories!

Rebecca Jo said...

You always have those dates/months that remind you so much of the loss you have in your life. Just shows how much love you will always have for that person.

Courtney B said...

Oh sweet girl, this is heart breaking! It is never easy to lose a loved one. She sounds like she was a beautiful, amazing woman and thank heavens for all the sweet memories you do have of her! Wishing I could hug you extra tight today!!

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry that April is no longer the 100% sparkly month that it could be. Your grandmother sounds like a dear, dear woman. Losing someone as special as a grandma is one of our hardest challenges in life. I lost mine a few years ago, and like you, she never got to meet B, attend our wedding, and now meet her great-grandson (I know Caleb would have just been the light of her life). I broke down crying about it just the other day in fact. We will never forget the people that are dearest to us. It's hard to go on without them, but we do have the comfort of knowing that we WILL see them again one day. And that they are looking down from heaven every so often to check on us:) Take heart in that, sweet friend.

Christy Ashley said...

I lost my godfather very unexpectedly this week 2 years ago and it shook me to the core. 6 months later, my grandfather passed. I'm so so sorry for your loss. She was gorgeous and you look just like her.

Jessi @ Jessi's Design said...

Oh this just pulls at my heartstrings! Such a terrible loss but such a beautiful lady! My Mom's Mom and my Stepdad's Mom (who I consider my father) were not at my wedding either and I think about it so much. Even now with the pregnancy I wish they were here! At least you have fabulous memories! Thinking about you! MUAH! xoxo

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

This post seriously has me in tears girl. Today my grandmother passed exactly two years ago I honored her at my wedding as well. It was her time but not having her in my daily life has been definitely really tough. Sending you so much love!

Shelby | Recent Somethings said...

I'm glad you see the beauty in spring but goodness, two losses that overall ended up falling the same week? I'm so sorry as I know when my grandmother passes there will be no loss to compare it to. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family as I'm sure the pain can never go away when you love special people so much. xx

Rachel said...

So sorry for your loss and I understand completely about certain times being harder than others, even when you think you have things under control. I lost my brother a few years ago and some days present a far larger challenge than others.

Your grandmother was absolutely beautiful and I'm sure she would have loved your husband and knows how much she is missed.

Erin of TexErin-in-SydneyLand said...

What a lovely tribute to Mo. From a pictures, she sure did have a sparkle in her eye.

All my grandparents are passed, and I miss them greatly as well. It's cliché sounding, but as I get older, I realize more and more some of the important life lessons that they shared with me.

Thanks for sharing this post.

Kristen said...

I am so sorry for your loss darling. Your grandmother sounds like an amazing woman, and she looks absolutely stunning in that photo. I'm so sorry for her sister's passing as well, so terrible.
I know I am ridiculously lucky, I have never lost anyone I love. My 'father' is dead but he wasn't my parent. My nana is not well right now and one of my mum's best friends just died last week and while i cared about her we were not that close and it's still hurting, so i can't imagine losing someone like a parent or grandparent. so sorry love xoxox

Emily said...

Grandmother's a so special and mine was the apple of my eye. I feel your pain and how much the loss hurts when you remember but those memories can always be cherished forever.

Meghan @ Me as Meghan said...

I am so sorry for your loss! She seems like she was a beautiful lady inside and out. Losing a loved one is so difficult. I heard a saying once that "happiness shared is multiplied, while sadness shared is divided"...I found that it was a quote that always comforted me and helped me through good times and bad. I hope it makes you feel better to know that you have lots of friendship and support out here in blogland!

Laura Marie Keenan said...

What a beautiful post! And oh my goodness, you look JUST like her! How special!

Sydney Fashion Hunter said...

Stunning cake! I found your blog through Tucker Up. I host a link up every Wednesday (now live!) stop by if you get a chance :)

http://www.sydneyfashionhunter.com/

Lindsay @ Broke and Bougie said...

Sorry for your loss, girl ): I love how you honored your Mo at the wedding- that is beautiful!

Lindsay @ Broke and Bougie said...

Sorry for your loss, girl ): I love how you honored your Mo at the wedding- that is beautiful!