May 6, 2015

I'm Afraid to Tell You


As bloggers we for the most parts are open books. Sure, 90% of the time we only share the rosy here but no one wants to read the mundane blahs everyday. However, I know I keep things from y'all because even though we have a friendship through reading we don't 'know' each other for the most part. There are things we all hide, that we are afraid to share and put down on paper or computer. But today, I'm doing something scary and telling what I've always been afraid to share here.

I'm afraid to tell you...

I'm a huge grudge holder.You cross me once, I'll forgive you but I won't forget your action. And I might make you pay for it down the road, way after the fact. Is it nice, nope, but after being a constant forgiver growing up I realized I don't like being walked all over so I'll make you pay. I'm even worse at holding grudges for my family and friends. Yes, you read that right, FOR my family and friends. If you hurt them, I'm the first one to mention cutting the bad and moving on with life.  

I suck at math. Like am really bad at it suck. Like have to use a calculator all the time suck. Like adding annoys me suck. I used to be good at math growing up, but a 7th grade math teacher really took the joy out of it so I stopped paying attention and now I'm here sucking at math. I have a free math practice app on my phone because I want to get better.

I have no problem cutting people out of my life if they aren't worth my time. Life is too short, I don't need drama about Facebook or blog posts and I certainly don't need constant negativity cluttering up my joy. Peace out, cub scout.

That I cheat on my healthy lifestyle more than I admit here. No one's perfect, and I don't think anyone expects me to be perfect in my eating habits. But, sometimes I don't want to share the bad food I eat because I try to be an example of clean eating. I'm sure no one here cares, but sometimes I don't post food because it's not healthy at all.

Manipulation is something that comes easy to me. I like to get my way and will try and make it happen whenever I can. When I was younger I was much more ruthless, but even though I'm not as bad now I still manipulate people to get what I want. I know when to turn on the charm, when to go cold, when to not include people and when to just act like nothing is wrong. Clearly this isn't nice or a good habit, but it's something I revert to when I don't like a certain course of action that is taking place.

I occasionally read GOMI. I know I shouldn't because most of the comments are way too mean, but sometimes I go there to make sure I'm not the only one seeing crazy things with big time bloggers. I don't participate in the snark, but I'll still read the threads.

The Hunger Games series has always seemed disturbing to me so I won't read it or watch the movies. I know, call me crazy but I have never been on the HG bandwagon. Babyspice read the books when they first came out and tried to get me on the train but when she told me the premise I almost threw up. I understand Katniss is a great role model for young girls, [especially compared Bella of Twilight] but, the thought of kids killing kids makes me literally sick to my stomach.

I think I'm on the verge of losing one of my best friends and am not fighting for the friendship anymore. It's become more and more obvious that we are two different people on two different paths and while that normally would make me sad, now I see it's just life. [this was a hard one to share because I know there are those out there that would judge this decision. Or use the word karma as a way to wish bad things on others. #yourenobetter]

Nine times out of ten I'll choose a Disney repeat over a new just released movie. Total child at heart here. I like watching happy Disney movies because I know what happens and can sing/talk along with my favorite parts. When I watch a new movie I never know how I'll feel about it and I hate being scary surprised. Plus, I own many Disney movies so I don't have to pay for them like I do for current movies.

I can be a silent judger. I'll listen and smile to your face but I'll internally make my own judgements. Sometimes it's just as small as thinking "this is totally going to backfire, but I'll let you figure it out on your own" or "Interesting you're commenting on blogs at 6am when you're on vacation on an island, what are you trying to prove?". And then there are the big judgements I make in my head and keep to myself because I know my opinion isn't going to be received well.

My political affiliation. I don't pay attention to politics enough to keep up with new legislation or the ever changing social political scene, so I don't like to engage in political debates.. I've always associated with a certain party, but it's not something I want to talk about. I'm proud of what I believe, but I don't feel like defending why I believe what I believe.

I wore a 00 until four years ago. So yes, I know I'm tiny and petite but I'm no longer a size 00 and that size jump has taken a toll on my self confidence. I get mad when people don't understand that going up from a 00 to a 2/4 is just as tough as going from a 6 to 8/10. Sure I'm smaller than many women but adding on an extra 5/10 pounds is just as noticeable if not more on my frame. When people find out HOW small I used to be they often don't feel that I can relate to them which baffles/frustrates me to no end.

What are some things you're afraid to tell people or blog about?

linking up with melissa

35 comments:

Jess said...

I think you are brave to share all of that. I have decided that a friend of mine who hasn't been there for me recently, hasn't seen my son since 2013 and hasn't made any attempt to meet my daughter no longer needs to be in my life. Obviously we don't really need her. It's hard though so I understand. I'm not sure I would actually share things like you did and be okay with it so good for you. :) have a great day!!

Pamela {Sequins and Sea Breezes} said...

I agree with you on a lot of these! I cut people who aren't worth my time out of my life. If you aren't going to make an effort, why should I? And I such at math too. Like REALLY bad. And I'm guilty of reading GOMI sometimes too. People can be so mean!

<3, Pamela
Sequins & Sea Breezes

Nikki said...

You are very brave to put a lot of this out there. I also have to say that I think EVERYONE is manipulative to a point, myself included sad panda.

Alana Livingston said...

I hold grudges too--heck, I'm still mad that I went to a friend's wedding A MONTH before mine and got her a substantial gift card and not only did she flake on my wedding A DAY before my wedding, but she never sent us a wedding gift (petty, I know, but still)! To top it off, it took her like 4 months to send a thank you card and it wasn't even personal. UGH!
I cheat on my (non-existent) healthy lifestyle all the time! haha
I had forgotten about GOMI! I used to enjoy reading it just to see how snarky people get--thanks for reminding me!
I am definitely a silent judger!! 100%

BLovedBoston said...

I love you for this!!! I am terrible at math and thank god for the invention of calculators every single day LOL! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

Tori G said...

It takes a lot to write a post like this and I STILLLL think you are awesome. Even more so now...if possible! =)

Maddie said...

So many of these things apply to me as well- you're not alone girl! Who even likes math, it's crazy hard & I totally agree- if someone isn't worth it, cut them out. No shame!!

Courtney B said...

Oh my gosh, I'm not even kidding you when I say we are SO ALIKE!
I suuuuuuck at math! It was my 7th grade teacher that ruined it for me as well!!
Girl, we are all silent judgers and for the most part, hold grudges. I'm really trying to work on that but I don't know how to stop. Especially the grudge holding. ESPECIALLY when someone has wronged the people I love most. Ugh!
I do wish I was better at cutting people out of my life though. I've agonized way too much over drama, etc and end up even more hurt in the end than if I had just cut them out when my intuition kicked in that it would be the best choice.
I have to admit though, I don't care when people know that I eat junk food ;) I am a healthy eater but sometimes I just want what I want and it's OKAY! No one will judge you, girlfriend!
Love you!

Christina Sotherden said...

I used to be a really bad grudge holder – I’m better at it now but I feel ya on that one. And cutting people out too – as we get older, there’s no room for that drama! Way to admit and be you, lady!

Courtney B said...

P.S. I made it on to GOMI once. Thankfully the thread lasted half a day. I think it would have been even shorter except someone stuck up for me and people thought it was ME that left the comment... so most of the thread was comments about me sticking up for myself, blah, blah, blah. And no one said anything about Mia... good thing or the momma bear in me would have lost her mind. But that's really the first and last time I've browsed that site. I understand venting about bloggers but some of the stuff that people write are just ridiculous! Why waste the time being so bitter and mean?! Not a fan!

Julia said...

Um you are pretty much awesome for writing this! I would venture to say that a lot of people have these same or very similar things and just won't admit it! I'm also HORRIBLE at math and can't do much beyond simple addition or subtraction in my head without having to write it down, and it makes me feel so stupid! I also do the silent judging thing, EVERYONE does no matter how much they claim that they "don't judge". I read GOMI sometimes too!

Katie Elizabeth said...

You are awesome for this post! I'm terrible at holding grudges and silently judging, too - that and apologizing first are the things I'm really trying to work on. And guilty of reading GOMI, it's mean but can be seriously entertaining!

Monica L said...

This is a great post! I love the honesty! No one is perfect!

MakeMeUpMia said...

Go girl! I might have to copy you and share some things I'd rather not admit... I'm horrible at math, I get really flustered & embarrassed if I have to figure something out quickly in front of people.

Amanda {Kids and Cabernet} said...

I'm also a silent judger and can cut people out too - you're not alone ;) and I'm still a 00! I would love to gain a few pounds but I'm sure I will react the same as you did when you went up a couple of sizes haha we're never happy. You're awesome for this post and owning it! Xo

Brittany Pines said...

I am the same way with grudges, which makes it easy to cut people out. I am trying to work on that...but sometimes you have to know what (or who) is toxic to you.

I love The Hunger Games, although I get the premise could be disturbing. I HATED Lord of the Flies in high school for similar reasons- although I think it's way worse than the HG.

Size can be difficult. There are tons of people who would kill to be your size. But- any change to your body can feel difficult to adjust too.

Ashley Pitt said...

Hi Pinky! Wow! Look at you dishing it all in this post. So I have a secret -- I hold grudges too! And I am also pretty bad at numbers. I totally get it, and you don't have to be sorry for the realness behind you and all the things you mention here. Just be you! Oh and of course, I think we all CHEAT a little more than we'd like to admit in healthy living. I mean wine? Cheesecake? Who can say no! :)

Queen In Between said...

Grrrr....I'm a total silent judger. And the worst place I can find myself is in the middle of a discussion on politics...I know I should care more but I just don't.

http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

Oh woman, we are so alike it is scary. The only confession you have that i even come close to side eyeing is the silent judger since you preach for people not to judge, silent or not it is still judging.

On that note though, i judge all the time. It is weird though. I only judge those who can help themselves. The people that can't, i always took under my wing (like ones with disabilities).

I am a grudge holder. I don't even forgive. I will remember what you did to me forever. Also, idc if you family or not, that doesn't give someone the right to walk all over me. I cut out family too if it is warranted.

Cheating on your diet is OK, that is part of being a human. Humans are not perfect.

I am fat (and i was always skinny, even after giving birth) due to medical issues so i don't understand how 5/10 pounds is even close to the same as someone gaining a lot of weight(i put on 120, i gained 20 pounds a month) but i do understand that to you, it could be a big deal. I just think realistically it isn't even close.

I don't think the # on the scale determines how a person feels about their body though. When you did your 30 day challenge you mentioned the differences you could tell in how you felt when you ate something bad. I started eating more veggies and better portion control. We never go out for supper, i rarely eat grease and i had a burger while in the city cause it would be late before we got home and my body reacted violently. No fun.

I am waiting patiently for you to tell us what direction you are going in life. Alaska, texas, florida (ha ha).

Jessica said...

Bravo for putting it all out there, girl! I love a good, honest (real) post. And totally feel you on several of these.

I read GOMI once in a while too. Like you, I never participate or comment in the discussions, and do find some of them to be downright mean-spirited and hateful - which I don't agree with. But some of the conversations are legit, and do a good job calling out bloggers who deserve it.

And I tend to stay away from politics on the blog too, simply because it is so polarizing for many people. But I have definite opinions, keep up with politics regularly (was a poli sci major in college, actually), and am aware that my views may not always be the most popular ones!

Erin LFF said...

You are a brave, beautiful woman!! I hope you know that :) I never talk politics or religion either... even though I firmly believe what I do, I'm typically not "good" at defending and explaining and I just dont want that on my blog. I've read GOMI a handful of times as well- bc like you, sometimes I just have to know if I'm the only one thinking something or not ;)

Evelina said...

Good luck with the best friend thing. I have recently parted ways with a very longtime "best" friend (gradually, nothing dramatic) because we just grew into two very different people. I think there's no sense in holding on to something that isn't real anymore. Sometimes it's for the best.

Rebecca Jo said...

GOMI ??? I've never even heard of it - sounds like something I need to go read immediately :)

Melissa Nicole said...

i'm so bad at mental math I legitimately used a calculator for 20 + 11 the other day. *face palm*

Amanda Elizabeth - Meet @ the Barre said...

I read GOMI once and a while as well. Seriously though those women are ruthless!! What is their problem? I wonder how many of them have their own blogs?

Jen said...

I'm a grudge holder too! I just can't help it.

Shelby | Recent Somethings said...

Oh man. GOMI is so bad and such a trainwreck but yes, I read it sometimes as well. Math sucks and I suck at it and have to do it daily at work hah. Thank goodness for calculators (and cheat days on diets!).

Brittany said...

I could go on and on about losing a best friend. It sucks and it's sad but really it just happens. It took me months to accept it and I'm doing a lot better now but it's weird. We were just in very different places in life and had different priorities.

The Rachael Way said...

Love this post! Props to you for being brave and bold. Also I read GOMI every once in a while too.. not proud of it but sometimes you gotta!

Nadine Lynn said...

I love that you are real and just sort of throw this stuff out there. I honestly relate to a lot of what you said!!! I have a hard time cutting people out of my life, I tend to hold on to some grudges even if I act like I have let it go, I try really hard not to get in to political debates with others because more often than not there is no seeing eye to eye on things and while I can respect others opinions...I feel others do not do the same.

I lost my best friend of 13 years 3 years ago. I have been there done that. If you ever need to talk about it....feel free to reach out to me. It was hard and sometimes, because I have hard time cutting people out/grudge holding, it still creeps back to me and I think about all the things I wish I would have said or done.

Kristen @ See You In A Porridge said...

you are right - we all have things we don't want to share.
i'm sorry you are losing a friend but sometimes when you both change, like you said - it's just life. there is nothing wrong with it. you know whats messed up? when you realise it but your other friend doesnt, and they keep hanging on no matter how much you try and cut them out, even when you move across the world, they still wont effing let go. not that i'm bitter about that lol.
seriously though, we all judge. if you knew what i ate and how often i 'cheat' on my healthy lifestyle? it's embarrassing. like whatever you're thinking, double it, triple it and then times it by 10.
i hate when people tell me my weight gain or my wish to lose weight isn't important. 'oh you don't need to lose weight' 'oh you look great' 'oh you're so skinny' well guess what, i don't give a shit how you see me. i give a shit about how i feel about myself and i have been gaining weight for 3 years now and i just can't make it stop (well, the whole cheating on my healthy lifestyle will stop it, geez i'm such an idiot).
manipulation comes pretty easy to me as well. and i don't hold grudges necessarily, but i am extremely bitter about some things and if i have a few drinks, i will get a few jabs in and try and hurt the people who hurt me. oh well we all have our flaws :)

Amanda Bullard said...

1-5 we are sisters. Obviously. Feel no shame in yourself. xo Amanda

Janna Renee said...

I'm too scared to read GOMI. Not that I think I'm a big enough blogger to be on there, but the thought just seems terrible. I have powers of manipulation, but I just try to use them for powers of good. I'm sorry you hold grudges. I decided a long time ago that for my own sanity, I never wanted to hold grudges, but I'm all about cutting people out of your life that don't deserve to be there. Great post!!

Ashley said...

Thank you for honesty and bravery to share with us! there have been things I've wanted to share but have seriously been too chicken because I'm too sensitive if I get negative comments. I'm HORRIBLE at math too! I will straight up turn 14 shades of red if you try and put me on the spot with a math problem. I need to download an app like that!
I'm so sorry about one of your best friends. That's never Easy. I have lost a couple of mine along the way and while it hasn't been easy now that time has passed on its for the best. I'll be thinking of you!
I'm the same with clean eating! Sometimes it's just sooo hard and I have no discipline at times!!

Myra said...

I love your honesty, friend! I'm very similar in the grudge holding and cutting people out of my life thing. I just don't see how getting older and holding onto friendships or relationships that are toxic are going to do for me other than make me into a worse person. I know that's harsh, but I'm glad I've gotten to this reality.

On another note, Disney movies FTW, all the time.