Today I'm talking about death and dying. Not the normal Pinky topic right? And I'm talking about if the worst were to happen to me. YIKES! Again, probably not what you would expect while I'm gone on vacation, however this is a topic that has been weighing heavily on my mind since we decided to take our long vacation.
Death scares the crap out of me. Even though I am a Christian and believe in Heaven and seeing my God when I leave this world the concept flat out freaks me out. I can't think about it too much at one time because it is just too much for my brain [which is why this post was written in installments]. I've always had a hard time when people die because it hurts me so much that they are gone from here. I can't touch them, talk to them, see them or smell them. They are all in my heart and memories but no longer tangible. So we comfort ourselves saying 'They are no longer in pain. They are in a better place. They would want us to be happy', which is probably true. However, we will never KNOW unless they left us something to go off of when they leave.
I vividly remember reading a story in the newspaper when I was 12 about a young girl my age killed in a freak car accident. The sadness over a life cut short wasn't what stayed with me, but the fact this girl had written a letter a few months before to her family in the event something tragic happened to her. I was floored she had the wherewithal to put a pen to paper for her family and I knew I wanted to do the same thing. So I scrounged around for some stationary and spent over an hour writing this letter to my family 'just in case'. And then I hide it somewhere I can't remember because I didn't want anyone to find it while I was still alive. I didn't want people to think I was morbid or weird. Which some of you might be thinking right now, which is 100% okay, I'm totally weird.
With the bombings in Paris, Turkey and Brussels my concern for our well being has grown and let's not even talk about my fear of flying combined with my fear of non US carriers. Our trip has us on seven flights which is seven time of almost debilitating fear in the air. This is something I am working on, it's just taking a lot of time to get to a point where take off doesn't cause my face to go white. But, I digress. I am excited to experience a new country and learn new things however I also know the world we live in is no longer as safe as we think. Sometimes people are just in the wrong city at the wrong time as terrorism continues to spread. While it's scary to talk about and imagine, doesn't me we should take steps to prepare for the worst.
I spoke with the BOFF and Babyspice about POA and living wills, however we weren't able to find someone who could see us on such short notice [ooops]. I downloaded a springing POA though and gave it signed to Babyspice. You might shudder with my lack of buttoned up business, however our families [Le Husband's and mine] are close enough that I am 100% confident everything would be split as it should.
But the assets and physical things are not what trouble me, rather the emotional burden we assume when those we love leave us. I do not want those left behind to question anything emotional. I know I am loved and I know they know I love them. To ensure there are no questions, I've written my family a note which I will give to my father with instructions not to open. When we get back safe and sound I'll take it back and burn it because it will no longer be relevant.
If the worst were to happen...
... I would want my family to know how much I loved them and how much fun our family is together.
... My hope would be that they would not grieve too long, but remember with joy the time we had together [easier said than done, I know. Pretty sure I would lose my job for not showing up if the roles were reversed].
... I'd want a big party after my funeral. With dancing music, champagne flowing and jokes about me being stupid. There is a time to grieve and be sad, but my personality is sooooo much about fun that I would hate people sitting around being sad for an extended period of time.
... I would want my name to be spoken without weight and sadness. I would want it to be spoken like effervescent bubbles in a bottle of champagne. There
... my wish for all friends and family is to know each and every single person made an impact on my life and I am grateful to everyone for all the lessons, good and bad, learned along the way. .
... I would want everyone to know that I will keep loving them and being with them like the waves in the ocean.
Do you have a will? Do you have a note written somewhere if the worst were to happen? Have you ever thought about what you would say? Am I the crazy bird up here in blog land?