Trying to Find My Light

And holy Sh*t has my pink ass been kicked. Every time I wanted to come here and write, decompress and veg out I couldn't because I didn't have the energy. Why? Because I'm not sleeping. Why? Because I'm constantly practicing or teaching classes. Why? Because my job is bananas and barely gives me time to breathe. Why? Because we just bought a town house and there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done. 

I have been a tired soul. The toll of life hurt my heart and my brain and I have been so emotionally, physically and mentally fatigued. It was all I could do to get out of bed and roll into work. The only, O N L Y piece of joy came teaching group fitness. The hour I could zone out with the music and my members gave me a piece of my soul back, but it was never, ever enough. Class ended too soon and suddenly it was back to horrible, stressful, awful reality.

When I say I'm not sleeping, I'm talking newborn parents not sleeping. I'm up EVERY HOUR, like clockwork. Through new hires I've managed to put together a pretty great team and my overnight guy is money now. So, you'd think I'd be okay to sleep knowing he'd be there...nope. Every night, for weeks, no sleep. I finally made a doctors appointment and have been using different plans to combat symptoms but have yet to find an actual cure. When I sleep for five hours I feel like a million bucks and have thankfully had a few of those nights recently. But the normal three hours of collective sleep is slowly crushing me.

I had no idea the toll no sleep and all this stress was taking until my boss at work asked me if I was okay. A dude, y'all, a dude. He point blank asked me if my quality of life was okay because I looked awful. I answered him truthfully and said no, I'm not okay. Because, y'all, I wasn't. 

I am so stressed about money. I have made friends but don't do anything because I don't want to spend money.  I am so over my job. I hate the stress, even though I've now created a stellar team. I'm over the bullshit, the new initiatives and slogans. They legit don't pay me enough and it's hard to have buy-in when you're not getting compensated for your work. I want to be in the fitness world, but operations is NOT for me. All of this stress doesn't just stay with me at work, I bring it home. 

Want to put stress on your marriage? Try quitting your jobs, moving to a new state without jobs, live in someone else's home for six months [four months longer than anticipated], get a new stressful job, buy a home on a teeny salary and then try to move in during the winter and busiest time of the year for said job. Yeah, it's been super peachy here. We are learning together and growing together, which is good, just so the opposite of easy.

Life has been dark, so dark and I've struggled to find the light at the end of my tunnel. I know there has to be one, but it's so dim and far away I wonder if it exists or is just a figment of my imagination. Last week brought me some extra light from friends in response to an Instagram post. My faithful cheerleaders showed up and helped me realize it is achievable and it can be done, I just have to faith and continue to work hard. So that is what I will do. I will continue to show up to the arena and get my ass kicked. I will continue to bring my light into the darkness and look ahead. I will continue to try and achieve my goals and find the finish line ahead. One step forward, one day at a time.