A Deep Inhale, A New Year, A Fresh Perspective

Inhale.

Exhale. 

Hello, friends. 

Hello, 2019. 

Hello, blog. 

It has been a minute since I've posted here. Not like I was posting a ton before, but I purposefully took a break mid December to just be in the season. To savor it because I had life's needs, wants, have tos and stresses take over. I needed less to think about. I needed more air to breathe. I needed to turn inward instead of looking outward. 

So, I stayed away from blogs. And spent less time on Instagram. 

It was magical and glorious. 

As was my Christmas time with family. Four fantastic days together in VA and all the feels were had. My sweet niece was adorable. My sisters were so fun. Le Husband had a great time and I was able to catch up with a few local friends, too. 

Waking up without worry was wonderful. Having people excited over my growing belly was so fun. Being with those I care about most made my heart so happy. Christmas day was so perfect, good food, family time and naps. Wonderful naps. 

Thankfully I was able to end my December month much better than anticipated so my stress and fear in my job is minimal to none now. Again, another post for another day but I wanted to mark the attitude shift. The mindset change. The ability to just be. 

I am using this month to get reacquainted with who I truly am. Who I used to be and who I need to grow into as I grow a baby. I am stepping back up in the kitchen. I'm planning my workouts more. I putting energy back into my instagram with fitness and working to create more workouts and possibly trial them with people. 

2018 was a lot of stress. A lot of holding my breath and waiting. So much tension. 

I vow not to let that happen again. I vow to remember to breathe through tough times instead of burying my head. Inhale good energy, exhale the bad. I will remember to be more present. 

Decembers Past & Present

Nostalgia has hit me hard this month. I'm sure I'm not alone, as the holidays tend to remind us of the good/bad things in life, but this year I've found myself especially nostalgic. Of looking back at what was back in the day. And note, this isn't meant to be an upper or a downer. I've always strived to be real here. TO share the good and the bad and not hide behind 'a fake life'. To each their own, but that's not me. If you're having the best Christmas season ever, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! If this season is harder than ever, I'M HERE FOR YOU!

2010: My first Christmas knowing Le Husband. We didn't do Christmas with each other until we were married, but it was fun celebrating with my boyfriend at the time. We didn't do anything major together, but started small traditions while in DC.

short hair, wow!

2013: Our first married Christmas. We spent time the holiday together for the first time (with my family) and began our own family traditions. Setting up our tree, going to church together, waking up together on Christmas morning and not having to talk through a phone was the best thing ever.

He was sooooo annoyed I made him take this picture :)

2015: Our last Christmas living in DC. It was quite bittersweet as we hadn't told many people our decision to move and we celebrated a few lasts quietly. It was also a super fun Christmas because the next day we left for a Christmas cruise to celebrate Mama B's 60th birthday.

The FAMILY

2016: Our first Christmas in Tennessee. It was so tough, y'all. So stinking tough. The actual holiday was spent with Le Husband's family in Ohio and it was much shorter than normal due to my gym job. I was a complete mess because we were still living with my aunt & uncle and Le Husband and I were fighting all the time. We were so frustrated with our jobs, our lack of having our own place, our living on top of each other and my inability to sleep. I cried all the time and almost missed my sister's going away party because I didn't know HOW to get time off. I was so grateful a higher up in the company forced me to take the weekend off and I spent much of the eight hour drive to DC crying. Oh and we were trying to put in an offer on a house and it was miserable with all the paperwork. Thankfully it all worked out and before New Year's we set our closing date.

SISTERS!

2017: The year I expected everything to be better. The December that started out with so much promise. So much joy. So much expectation and ease. We were in our FIRST HOME. With our FIRST real tree and our first year of OUR OWN TRADITIONS. I was in a job I didn't love but it caused me NO stress (except taking time off) and allowed me to get my PT cert. I wasn't fullfilled but the money was fine and I as beginning to plan my goals in 2018. And then came the surprise announcement. The reorganization that rendered my position redundant. The unexpected after work meeting with my boss informing me I no longer had a job and even though I would be paid until the end of the year, I no longer needed to come to work. To the job that held my insurance. To the job that allowed me to dream of better. I was beyond devastated as Le Husband was out of town for work and I was meeting him Ohio for Christmas so I cried alone for multiple two nights until I could get myself to Ohio. My wonderful, bright and beautiful December as turned upside down and even though I enjoyed my extra long Christmas break it was hard not to feel like a failure and lose some joy.

Cheers to a healthy husband. 

2018: Here we are now. And friends, I wish it were a happy fabulous Christmas season. I really, really do. I'm so tired of having hard Christmas seasons. I'm so ready for the relaxation and ease I used to feel. Yes I count my blessings, but it's so hard right now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Before July it was supposed to be a different job, with easier hours and less stress. But, nope again. I'm currently sitting here, mask on my face, Christmas cards just stamped, a movie on as I try to grasp the LAST LITLE BIT OF chill before I work 9 days straight. Because I can't get behind again. Because I can't not hit numbers this month. Because it could come down to me not having a job in the New Year. I have a post in the works about how hard my job has been for me and how I keep trying to find the GOOD or the reason for it, so I'll just say sales is hard and I really can't wait until maternity leave. Which is another thing. I should feel NOTHING but joy about this new phase of life. This sweet, precious baby [kicking me as I type] will be in my arms next year. I should be thinking of that, should be holding on to THIS feeling of just the two of us and dreaming of fun traditions next year. However, I'm barely making time for holiday fun. I'm worrying about numbers instead of the season and I'm desperately clinging to hope of it will all work out. On the outside I've put on a good face. I'm not crying. I'm not freaking out to friends/family. I'm not stressing Le Husband. But inside, I'm barely keeping it together. I was good for a bit, but then I realized it's crunch time. Even if I feel like crap I have to work because of the four days I'm taking off to be with my family. Which I can't wait for. We are so close to a wonderful family Christmas, I just need to get there. I just need to be present and let everything else go.

What September Taught Me

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If you bust your @$$ long enough, people will reward your effort. I struggled so much in training. I gave it my all, even when it didn't seem good enough. I kept showing up. I kept trying. I kept going because I had to and it was rewarded. I was given extra chances and made the most of opportunities and made it to the finish line.

Rest when you can. For real. When you're stressed to the max, emotionally & physically, taking a moment to lay down and breathe is helpful. Squeezing in a nap after dinner is worth it. Saying no to a fun activity to catch your sanity is okay.

Unexpected people will help you out. So many people went to bat for me during training. To the people on Instagram who cheered me up when I cried, thank you. To my mentors, trainers and fellow trainee who championed me when I felt like a failure, thank you. To anyone who had a kind comment, it meant the world.

Outside the comfort zone is scary, but sometimes it's a must. Sometimes you must grow. Sometimes you must try something you'd never try. Sometimes you must do things you don't want to because it just needs to be done. And you learn, YES YOU CAN!

You can try and plan your life, but NOPE. Big ol haha, NOPE! Go ahead and plan, then let me know how it goes. The past two months have taught me to roll with the punches and figure it all out. Plans are great, but life does not adhere to plans.

Summer is truly my favorite. I love summer. The heat. The sunshine. The relax. The clothes. I'm so thankful I get such a long summer down here in Tennessee. The crips fall air will arrive soon enough and then bring winter, boo. So I'm soaking it all up now, while I can.

*inspiration found here*

Remember the Fight

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Sometimes the fight is physical. Sometimes mental. Quite often, emotional. Life takes no prisoners and life doesn't promise you easy. Your highest highs can be followed by the lowest lows. 

There have been quite a few times over the past months I haven't wanted/chosen to fight. I've sat back. I've cried. I've said "it isn't fair". I've thought "now, really"? There have been days of sobbing through the night, desperately praying for a new path. A light at the end of a tunnel. 

Other times I've said "eff this, I got this". I've dug in. I've done the work and sometimes been rewarded.

Funny, the times I've chosen to fight I've always felt better. I've always found my way. And here we are now. Two weeks out of training and I'm doing decent. I'm not crying every night, doubting myself and my path. I'm learning. Trying. Working. Choosing joy. 

Will this be my path forever? Probably not. 

Do I want this to be my career? No, not really. 

But for now, I'm fighting and working daily. I'm making the effort to try and learn from this place. From this path laid out in front of me. I've had some really good days, some good days a couple BLAH days, but that's life. 

On this Monday I want you to remember the fight. The reason. The why. YOU CAN DO THI!

HERE WE GO

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Friends, we are here. Starting a new job today. A new job I wasn't even sure I was going to get becasuse the training was so tough. A new job I thought was mine, not four more weeks of interviews and points. 

The past four weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever had with a job. Minus the management job because there was no support. Nada. This was just hard and I learned a lot and I busted my tail. And now we are here. 

Starting this week, my schedule is created for the next month and a new normal begins. Hopefully I'll be able to keep teaching and hopefully training, but who knows right now. This is a big opportunity and I'm praying I'm smart enough and strong enough to make this a great job. 

Wishing you a wonderful week, friends.

Radom Thoughts for the Week

Hello again, friends.

I should be studying as I write this, but I miss writing and I miss this space. So I'll quickly recap things going on in life and in my head right now:

+ This job is pushing me to and past my limit. I am drowning in new terms, plans, pricing, devices, systems. learning to sell, understanding the how and why and really getting outside my comfort zone. I've cried at work {UGH} and freaked out to my mentor more than once because I'm so scared of not doing well. Everyone seems to think I can do this, I just need to believe in myself and buckle down.

+ I miss my flexible schedule. A lot. I have had late nights, early mornings, no workouts, not enough sleep and my body is all kinds of crazy right now. I miss not having early Mondays. I miss not getting home late and having to constantly wake up early. Trying to keep up with training is taking a lot out of me too. I worried to lose the tiny bit of momentum I had with this new job. I haven't posted much fitness on Instagram nor on my other blog, which makes me sad.

+ Figuring out my workout schedule is hard. I used to teach nine classes a week which meant working out each time I taught. Maybe not to the extend I would normally push myself, but I was moving my body. I have only been able to work out one day since starting last week and while my body is enjoying the time off, it is also craving movement and the gym.

+ Le Husband has had my back like no other and it has held me together like no other during this season. He has be there in every capacity and I am ever so grateful. Marriage is hard, but it is so nice when you have someone to lean on during the trying, frustrating and crazy times.

NEW START BEGINS NOW

Today beings a new week for everyone. But today, for me, it begins so much more. 

A new job. 

A new path. 

A different way to make money. 

A new schedule.

Four weeks of training. 

A steady paycheck.

Leaping outside my comfort zone. 

Time to be the new kid. Time to learn. Time to pay attention and sit still. 

Good wishes are so appreciated. I wish you a wonderful week, friends. 

I Can Finally Breathe

Finally.

A happier post. A post with something good to share. Almost motivational, if you will.

My legs and lungs are finally taking a break and I no longer feel as though I am treading water in the middle of the ocean. I am swimming. Swimming towards a goal. Swimming towards dry land, which makes the tiredness just drift away.

After a month of feeling hopeless. Of not knowing WHAT TO DO. Of feeling like a failure. Compounded by eight months of a dream not coming to fruition, I've finally found space and air.

I
Can
Finally
Breathe.

I shared more of my story on my Instagram, with videos because it's so much easier to talk than write. But the crux of it is, I've found another job, hallejuah. One which is a guaranteed 40 hours a week, plus has the flexibility to allow me to train and teach, too.

This moment means so much because the feeling of failure was so great, but it also means I can allow my husband to breathe. He no longer has to hold up the household on his own. I will finally be able to contribute to the finances as I should. I am so grateful for his support and love. I'm so grateful for you all lifting me up. For reading my resumes and cover letters. Thank you for reading and for championing me at my lowest. I am always here for you if you need it.

Cheers to the new chapter.

Life Is SO FREAKING HARD {Oh How I Have FAILED}

How's that for a blogpost title? Cheery, right?

I have started and stopped this post too many times to count. Legit, ten times since last Tuesday.

Why, Tuesday you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Tuesday was when the bottom dropped out.

When the JOB I interviewed for and was awarded in FEBRUARY was pulled. The job I've been waiting MONTHS FOR A BACKGROUND CHECK was ripped away. Without anything more than a "budget cuts and lack of work".

Yeah.

Yeah.

Security I've been counting on for months is gone. A new, fresh start is gone. Supplementation for my training is gone. Being able to hold my head high because I'm ACTUALLY contributing to our bills, our retirement and our future is gone.

G
O
N
E

Gone.

Once again, the carpet has been has been pulled from under my feet and I'm laying on the floor dazed, trying desperately to understand WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! How are we now here? We had it figured out. I did the work. I got the other job. I have security. Y'all we were so happy. SO SO SO happy and good. Life was on point. Jobs for both of us. Me still training and pursuing a dream. We are even trying for kids. So damn H A P P Y. And then...this.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried the past nine days. How many moments I've spent SOBBING trying to figure out the why. I've cried to Le Husband more this week than I have in our marriage. And, dude has taken it like a champ. Normally not his forte but he has stepped up big time. He's dealt with me crying "why?" Dealt with the "what do I do now?" questions. He's quietly shouldered all the bills again. Marriage works that way, and I'm so grateful for him.

Training has been hard, I haven't been shy about that here. This job was supposed to help and now the lack of it just highlights EVERYTHING I COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH the past eight months. I've trained eight people. EIGHT. In eight months. Not good for the paycheck and not good for the ego. I've tried, but apparently tried all the wrong ways. I'm so so disappointed in myself and beyond embarrassed right now because I've honestly just flamed out big time. Something I've cried about quite a few times. Back in the day I was all 'it's okay if you fail. the important thing is to try' and now I have to eat my words. Failing is awful. It sucks. It hurts. It is the worst thing for your ego and I frankly don't really know what my calling/purpose is right now.

Oh, speaking of bruising the ego, have you tried looking for a job recently? Minus a bad health report or getting let go, I'm pretty sure looking for a job is one of the most miserable things on earth. So devastating when you don't have ENOUGH experience. Beyond frustrating when you have too much. Everyone wants the world and no one wants to take a chance on an unknown. It's who you know, not what you know. I've sent out so many resumes and been so discouraged in a week. If ANYONE IS GOOD AT RESUMES PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I feel beaten down. Again.

I am just so ready for a normal life. For a purpose. For a reason. For security. For money. I'm just ready to stop feeling like a failure. At the end of the day I want to find my worth again.

Thoughts on a Thursday: The BIG N-O & Humbled

Tuesday night, thinking about my LAST evening class of the day. Not pretty, just life. 

Stream of consciousness coming at you today, friends. Maybe it's something you want to read, maybe it's not. No worries, just getting vulnerable here. Raw. Time to get raw.

This week has been hard. Aggressively hard. Too much to do in too little time. Asking my body to work harder than it should for longer than it needs. A mound of yeses drowning me day by day. Hour by hour ticking away and NOTHING but wheels turning. Somehow everything snuck up on me so quickly and from Sunday night to Monday morning my mood shifted, my brain slowly shut down and my will to do fight on drained away. Teaching each class a different way to engage everyone is tough. Multiple formats and multiple subs make my head spin. Too much. Too much. Too much.

Tuesday was an all out beast of a day with four classes, training clients, working extra shifts at the gym, then dinner with a friend leaving town, all with the knowledge I had to be up to teach a 6am class the next morning. Happy face on I tried to push through. I tried to sub out a class to breath, but no one would help me. I tried to find happy in the small moments. Tried to seek out moments to recenter but it wasn't happening.

Slowly this feeling of hopelessness ate away at my joy. At my love of fitness. At my dream of making fitness my FULL TIME. At making a difference, because that's why I'm passionate about fitness. I want people to feel better about working out. About exercising. About feeling healthy. I want to teach people how to move their bodies so they can conquer things they never dreamed. But. But. But. It's not working out. It's so hard to convince people to pay me to teach them. Trying to flip clients via social media. Via walking around the gym. Just engaging people in the concept of PT is a trail because everyone just sees dollar bills, not what they will gain. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

I texted friends and then broke down crying to Lynn because I just couldn't hold it together. Being a YES girl is in my blood. Who I am. How I was raised. What I want to be. But, I realized being the yes girl doesn't mean others will say yes to you. Which hurts. Which changes perspectives. Which makes me feel icky. Lynn reminded me it is okay to say NO. It is okay to say no multiple times. To not always be the yes girl. To value myself more. Which is true. I need to make sure I'm okay so I can give my best to others.

So I had a good cry. Had a good breakfast and chat with a friend. Taught another class. Worked the front desk and finally found a YES person for my evening class. Then it became time for me. A bath. A book. A candle. Mac and cheese. Salad. Water. A nonsense television show. Writing this blog post. Face timing with my family. Recharge. Sweet beautiful recharge.

Now I am ready again. I am ready for the eight hour drive to Virginia tomorrow afternoon. I am ready to figure out a business plan for my dream. I am ready to discern what my correct path is at the moment. I am ready to sleep. Breathe in a new day and exhale joy for others.

To those who reached out, thank you. I love your support and your friendship. And to those reading now, thank you for being here to champion my words and give them meaning.

Thoughts on a Thursday {Water Your Own Grass}

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Let's talk comparison, shall we? Everywhere you look it seems someone is skinnier, better, prettier, smarter. They have more accomplished, have more followers, more opportunities and post perfect content. How quickly what we have looks less shiny when we see what everyone else has. How quickly we forget what we've worked for what we have. How quickly the demons in our brain can come out and play, leading us down a destructive path.

Full discourser, I had a moment last week when audition results weren't what I wanted. I spent a few moments looking online at all the people who made presenter last year, or who have been trainers for years. I looked online and thought 'wow, must be so nice. they have it all and I don't. I want to be them'. Which of course, was ridiculous. And stupid. And just a wallow of a wallow.  But, it got me thinking. How often do we look and covet something we see on the other side? How often do I worry about the grass in someone else' lawn, instead of looking at my lawn and taking care of it myself?

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I used to know someone who publicly supported people but quietly, judged them. Behind backs it would be constant comparison and judging comments. At first it was nothing, just chatter. But then I started to talk back, saying nasty things too. And suddenly I wasn't as content as I used to be with life. Suddenly things were competitions and nasty thoughts when someone was doing well. Talk about gross right? I managed to pull myself out of the toxic mentality after both sisters made a comment to me about my attitude.  I remembered, talking smack about and worrying about other people did nothing to help me get better. This person continued to kept on and on which soon became so draining it added to why I realized I needed to end our relationship. Being sucked into this daily 'comparison' game messed with my perspective and it was a breath of fresh air when I was able to remove the mentality.

If you see something go for it. Put in the work. Do the tough stuff. If you get knocked down, take a breath, recite an affirming mantra and stand right back up again. That will get you closer to your goals, not wishing or knocking down people who have already done the time. If you see someone hustling and rocking, tell them. If you have a question, ask someone. Women are uniting more and more and in this great big world there is enough sunshine for everyone. I am cheering for you to succeed and so willing to help you anyway I can if you want help.

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One of my favorite quotes is "Your vibe attracts your tribe" because it easily reminds me of what I want in my circle of friends. I want people who work hard for their dreams. Who support each other instead of being envious behind backs. People who get up and dust themselves off after they fall flat on their face trying something new. Life is tough and can be really hard. When things are the darkest dark you need those people to help you find the light the way you need. Sometimes that's commiserating in the dark, other times it's thrusting you into the light and sometimes it's just texting 'love you'.

I heard a quote the other day which said '50% of our happiness is chalked up to DNA disposition'. Some of us are born Tiggers and some of us are born Eyores and that's okay. If everyone were a Tigger life would be waaaay to crazy, right? Ten percent of our happiness is circumstances in life and the rest of the 40% is our attitude in how we handle this circumstances. We have a choice, to covet the beautiful green lawn of someone else, or water and care for our own grass so it grows, too.

Thoughts On A Thursday: The Struggle is Real

S t r u g g l e. We all have it at one time or another. Some are better than others at hiding their struggle and pretending everything is okay. In the past I admit I judged those people. You know, the ones posting happy joyous things about their lives when you know FIRST HAND they are struggling with insecurities. The ones bragging about their husbands bringing them gifts back from long trips when you know they fought the entire time apart. Bloggers who post I'M DOING SO GREAT AND EVERYONE LOVES me posts to make them feel better when you are well aware they are beyond scared of being alone. People who only share the highlight reel, without EVER mentioning the tough, long hours it took to build their life. Yeah, those people...I judged them and I judged them HARD.

Which looking back was 1] SO NOT MY BUSINESS (even if I was invited to be part of the drama) 2] Not my place because I'd never walked a mile in their shoes. Interesting how quickly PERSPECTIVE changes when one experiences struggle upon struggle in their own life. Not saying I've never struggled before this move, because that is completely false. There was sickness, fear, job dramas, and fights that happened back in Virginia. However the struggle has been REAL the past two years. Real and serious. Real and HARD. Real and something I go back and forth on truly sharing.

I've mentioned my lack of wanting to share things here because of people in my past cheering against me. I know it happens and now I'm all like || WHATEVER || about it. They won't change because of me so why waste my thoughts and time on them? Also, I do my BEST to be 100% real and authentic here. Will I share every detail of my life? Nope, not how I roll. However, my goal with this blog is to chronicle my TRUE life and to be relatable if possible. So, you might have notice silence here and it was because I didn't know what to write since life has been such a struggle lately.

Work life. Wow, what can I say about work life I haven't already said? Personal training is so hard because people don't seem to value their health enough to invest in someone who knows what they are doing. People are willing to put money down for products upon things upon makeup but a personal trainer is a waste. So, people love my classes but won't put money down to actually change their lives. Which means peanuts coming in every two weeks. So few peanuts I've gone out and gotten a second job until my BIG GIRL job clearance comes through. Which means my days are filled teaching more classes than I expected and being pretty dunzo when I get home. Speaking of home....

Renovation life. Ugh. This whole process is so not my jam and doing everything ourselves means while things are CHEAPER everything takes so much longer than planned. The master bathroom is SO close to being done, so close. But still, it's not done. Tile is down, I can SHOWER at home with hot water and everything is painted which is all praise hands but it's still not done. Neither is the kitchen. And the constant chaos at home has pushed me to my limits. When my life is chaotic I NEED peace at home but there hasn't been peace and order since February. I've done my best to bit my lip, grin and bear it however I'm at my boiling point. Which leads to...

Marriage life. Anyone else think vows should include "In renovation and loss of jobs"? I mean, egad both are such strains on a marriage. I've always known marriage was work. I never grew up thinking things would be easy all the time, nor do I believe I needed someone to complete me. I love my husband and am beyond thankful he is my person for the rest of my life. However, sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands, run away to an island and live alone. Am I the only one here? Maybe, but hey, that's my truth right now. Le Husband and I are opposites which means we deal with things SO differently and when things are TOUGH we just want the other to GET IT OUR WAY. Wanna guess how many times that's happened? If you guessed zero, you get a prize. Navigating through 'love languages' and 'communication styles' isn't fun. Not something to get the blood pumping or bring back that loving feeling. It's work, it's tiring, it's boring yet it's so needed. And we are working on it, so we can be better for each other and for our life down the road.

Why am I sharing this now? To let you know I'm okay. To let you know if you're struggling you are okay. To share something that might help someone else who is dealing with the ughs. What have the past two months taught me? There truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Because through it all I'm grateful. Grateful for a home, some kind of work to pay bills, some money, my health, my husband and the health of my family. Grateful for my easy friends who let me wallow away alone and accept me when I come back later. Grateful to friends here who are willing to REALLY listen when I struggle and who lift me up to get back on track. Grateful for a church family where I feel like I'm home. Grateful that no matter HOW ALONE in this struggle I feel, there are people who can empathize and relate.

Broken isn't bad, as long as you are willing to put the pieces together and try again.

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Catch Up Thursday

Y'all, it's been a whirlwind over here recently. Life has been insane, just a go go go without a moment to rest, or blog as it were. When I'm not training I'm teaching. When I'm not teaching I'm painting at home or ripping up flooring. When I'm not renovating I'm applying for jobs.

Then there have been interviews. And preparations for auditions. Plus practicing upon practicing. All the while having the house upside down with everything thrown to and fro to make way for finished renovations. Having a DIY husband is quite helpful, but when he gets a bee in his bonnet to renovate one must get out of the way.

So here we are still working on the kitchen and the master bathroom at the same time. EGAD. New cabinets and fresh coats of paint in the kitchen and we are so close to finishing things. Well, just waiting on delivery and measurements of the countertops (insert eye roll emoji). The bathroom has been a bit more of an issue than planned. But, when you decided to completely redo it solo it only makes sense right? New tiling has been put down and we are now finishing up painting so the toilet and vanity can be put in early next week.

I know it will be wonderful when it's all said and done, however right now, in the thick of it all, I'm so done and over it. I am so tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Training and teaching here and there, then coming home to spend time prepping for the next class or doing something around the house has taken a toll. Guess who isn't sleeping well again? Bah!

Thankfully the interviews were worth it, as I procured a new job since training isn't quite up to snuff at the moment. I was devastated not to have built more in two months but then had a sit down with a fellow trainer and realized I'm trying to build a new business, which usually takes a year to become profitable so I'm not failing. Yet.

Being this 'tight' for money is hurting though so when an opportunity presented itself I just had to see where it might lead. Hours are flexible, pay is steady and it won't be stuck in an office again which is good. I've tried to remain hopeful since December and maybe this is the reason for the abrupt change. I KNOW I love fitness and want to still look into full time training, but this way I can gradually build up, without feeling so strapped.

Auditions are this weekend and I am on pins and needles thinking about the whole thing. My diet has been in CHECK the last two weeks and heavy lifting has helped me pop some muscles a lil more. Hopefully feeling great will help me perform great. Having two of my besties by my side going through the process has made it so much fun and honestly, GETTING TO THIS POINT is a HUGE accomplishment in itself. Something I am proud of and will be proud of if this is where the journey ends. If you could send me great vibes on Saturday I sure would appreciate it.

Next week is already looking to be much calmer so I'll be popping in more to say hi. Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for being so lovely.

Learning to Swerve Through the Curves of Life

We all have them, right? Big curves and little curves keep our life from being too linear, too straight, too easy. 2016 we gave ourselves a huge curve and spent most of 2017 navigating the twisty turvy new road. Navigating found a steady rhythm by the end of the year, life was humming along nicely and then, BOOM, huuuuuuuuuge swerve in the road.

The week before Christmas my position was eliminated and I was told starting in January my services were no longer needed. I alluded to a big change in this post but couldn't get my head around blogging so I just left it for the new year. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Knowing the business was expanding wasn't anything new, I just had no idea there would be someone doing my job as well as manufacturing which is why I was let go. No indication, no nothing. I was paid throughout the end of the year and my boss told me that Tuesday I could take the rest of the year off since he had a bad experience with someone not coming in after being told they were no longer needed. I'm thankful he let me go before the New Year, though, because I was able to spend EXTRA time in Ohio for Christmas and didn't have to worry about being at work for no reason.

The hardest part about the news was Le Husband was already in Ohio for work and I had to spend Tuesday night, Wednesday and Thursday morning all alone. He was there for me on the phone, let me cry and even though words are his worst love language he helped me feel safe and protected. His words of "we will be fine" kept me from truly freaking out. Teaching BOOTCAMP and BODYPUMP on Tuesday night were miserable and my dinner that night was wine and noodles. But, I was able to get my game face on at the gym and my amazing Fitness Manager and Operations Manager were all about giving me extra classes and on boarding me as quick as possible so I'd be ready to train in January. I'm lucky, I know, to have something already but it's still quite scary at the moment.

I'll be honest, I debated long and hard about sharing this here. First, it's embarrassing to write out because this wasn't my decision, I was told I was no longer needed. And, even though performance didn't play into everything I can't help but wonder IF there was anything I could have done better to be kept around. If I learned faster, picked up the lingo quicker, didn't ask questions, would I still be there now? While being an admin was never a dream of mine, I hate doing things poorly or being told I'm not good enough. So, there's that piece of putting everything out here.

Second, how many posts did I share in December about being happy and things being better than in 2016? A LOT! While I was very careful not to seem braggish or over the top, having everything come crashing down so unexpectedly really threw me for a loop. How was I supposed to come back and say 'Remember when I was so happy, yeah, now I'm scared and freaked out again' after so many cheery, joyous posts?

And then there's the knowledge of people out there rooting against me. You can't be everyone's cup of tea and I removed a few black clouds from my life a few years ago. Unfortunately in the internet world, people can still come around and try to cause drama because they are bored and since my blog isn't private I can't control who lurks. I'm not being dramatic, trust me, I'd rather not worry about things like this but I've dealt with drama off and on the past few years, even very recently which was sooooooooo ridiculous, making me not want to share the bad because I KNOW how happy it will make other people. Sad, right? But, then I realized, who F*#(ing cares what they think? If they want to cheer, go right ahead because soon they'll be pissed off that I'm rocking it out like a beast and turning sour lemons into lemonade. I also try to be VERY real here and not hide anything for y'all. There are enough people out there pretending the bad doesn't happen and only sharing the rosy, why do I need to add to that facade?

Silver lining, this unexpected change has pushed me to F I N A L L Y pursue my dream of personal training full time. My plan was to quit in March if I couldn't get ramped up working part time and maybe this is the push I needed to just GET AFTER IT ALL! The process is starting to click and I just need to trust myself that I know what I'm doing. I also need to be okay getting outside my comfort zone of not being a 'sales person' and embrace talking to new people to get them to train with me. Time for me to get back on the fitness blog train and really start digging into sharing fitness as my full time job. Any and all prayers or good vibes would be so appreciated. My goal is to attack this new path with joy, vigor and tenacity to make my dreams succeed. Alright 2018, let's do this!

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Year in Review {April, May, June}

Hey, friends! Can you believe Christmas is only six days away? Yay, wahoo, and oh my right? Still quite a few things to take care of, but after my family Christmas on Sunday I'm kind of ready for the big day to arrive. Before we get there, let's look back at the second quarter of 2017, shall we?

A P R I L

I started a new job, which led to a much happier life.

April brought my 34th trip around the sun, leading to some self analysis. 

People responded well when I shared how often the 'bad self' takes over my brain.

M A Y

Surgery at the beginning of the month scared the ever living sh*t out of me.

My gallbladder surgery was successful, even though the recovery was a lot harder than anticipated.

I was honest about my feelings about life, I confessed some work mistakes,  and my fear of being average.

J U N E

My first DOUBLE DIGIT blogpost month since the move. Small peanuts, but still, I felt back in the blogging groove finally and found time for this little space. Shared about 'what you don't see' here, confessions of a group fitness instructor, and some joy bombs. 

A year after our move we went on our FIRST Tennessee hike and the view was gorgeous. Recovery was tough.

I took and F A I L E D my personal trainer exam... by four points. It was my own fault, but I was still devastated to have failed. I was embarrassed to tell my husband, my family, my friends and y'all. It was a rough few days to say the least. 

Le Husband and I took a weekend trip to a different lake and I got a new hairdo.

Completed my first What I'm Up To post in forever and got excited about family coming into town.

Second quarter brought about a much better balance with life and I started to feel human again. Especially after surgery. Summer was hot and I enjoyed a lot of time outdoors. Le Husband was traveling a lot, so I found fun ways to be on my own and continued to work on the house.

Year in Review { Jan, Feb, March }

Through the course of this blog's history, December has been used to quarterly recap the previous year. Last year was a bit of a wash in blogland after our move, which didn't leave much to recap. Our 2016 was basically PREP for the move, VISIT Europe, MOVE, freak out when things didn't happen the way we expected and SCENE!

This year has been tough, but better. Blogging still took a major backseat to life at the beginning of the year, so not too many posts to recap. However, there were quite a lot of THINGS that happened at the beginning of 2017.

J  A N U A R Y

I adapted a new mantra after months of things not working out.

We BOUGHT A HOUSE! Following months of losing out on rentals and weeks of dealing with banks [ugh, why?] we signed off on our fabulous home and began the process of home ownership. #itallworksout

Welcome to OUR HOUSE! [gosh I look so tired from work!]

F E B R U A R Y

House renovations + financial worries + a job I hated + no sleep = a dark pinky

I attended an advanced training for BODYPUMP and started to find a rhythm with life.

M A R C H

I interviewed for, was offered and ACCEPTED A NEW JOB. It was an answer to so many nights of prayers. 

Life consisted of HOME RENOVATIONS ALL THE TIME.

My body gave me a WAKE UP moment and I had to practice some self care.

The beginning of 2017 was great [HOUSE] yet still dark [job] and I'm so thankful to be SO HAPPY in December. I know I've said it a lot, but looking back has me realizing how hard it was last year and how grateful I am to be here now.

We Found Our Christmas This Year {What's New With You}

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If I had to change my blog tag line it would be "what a difference a year makes". Seems every time I come here to write something deep about my life that phrase shows up. Right now, I find myself thinking it over and over, multiple times a day. I'm so grateful to be 365 days away from the end of 2016.

Last year, oh man, what a perfectly awful December. My life was day in day out 'Where Are You Christmas?' on repeat. It was dark. And sad. And lonely. And just gosh darn horrible. Both Le Husband and I were stuck in jobs we couldn't stand and we still hadn't found a place to live. My aunt and uncle gave us NO grief, nor made us feel in the way, but celebrating the holidays in someone else's home is super tough. Our timeline of three months [HAAHAHAHA] had extended to six. I cried multiple nights going to sleep because it wasn't supposed to be THIS WAY.

My job was a month old, yet I found myself drowning daily. Changes in policy, changes in merchandise, changes in memberships, changes in pricing, changing in personal, all happening in a single day frayed my nerves to nothing. My first December weekend I received a call at 0300 because someone didn't show up for their next shift and the buck stopped with me. So I had to drive to the gym to cover the 0300 - 0600 shift. I cried driving out there. I cried sitting in the office. I also vowed to never have the experience again. It was terrible and the weekend was lost. And then my friend was killed in a car accident, bringing a tidal wave of emotions and more darkness.

Our marriage was at it's lowest point last year, too. We were tired of nothing working. Le Husband was tired of his job's drama, while also being tired of me complaining and crying all the time. He's an amazing man, though comforting is not his forte. He also was experiencing what I call 'the man's worth crisis' because we were still in someone else's home. Which made him angry about circumstances and when I didn't want to look at homes online or drive around when I got home from work he'd get so annoyed with me, causing arguments. Christmas cheer was so hard to find, there was a lot of faking. So much time spent pretending to be happy to people while silently feeling like a failure and feeling so incredibly lost.

Then came the house. Then came the new job. Then came more sleep. More joy. More time. Most importantly MORE LIFE!

What's new with us this December? So much goodness. I know longer work a job I can't stand because it makes me cry with unpredictability. Call me a baby, but those six months were some of the toughest, darkest months of my life. My current job is not where I see myself much longer than a year, but it gives me stability. It gives me peace of mind [usually]. I am allowed to walk out the door and not think about work until the next day. I sleep. I take vacation. I am actually bored, YES!

We are in our home. OUR.HOME. Something we'd wanted for years but waited to buy in Virginia. Something so close, yet so unattainable in 2016. Then came the one visit and the moment we knew. This was it, this is our home. Which is decorated for Christmas, making it so cozy. Not everything is done or put away, Le Husband is currently painting our upstairs, but it is livable and lovely. Pictures below are snapshots taken last night. Nothing fancy, just moments. Christmas cheer is everywhere and I'm basking in the glow of our Christmas tree lights and candles.

Just typing OUR Christmas tree has me tearing up a bit. You might call me a bit dramatic or emotional but this month is bringing out all the feels. That's what's new with me. My joy of the season is back. My love of the holidays has returned. I can feel the jolly. I can say without faking "Merry Christmas"! I can read posts on blogs, Facebook and Instagram without feeling hollow inside. We have finally reached A YEAR LATER and it has never felt soooooo good to be on the other side of a year. If you are struggling, I get it. All my love and hugs to you. If you're on the other side with me, I cheers you, we did it. 

Thank you so much, friends for supporting me. To each and everyone of you reading, I appreciate you sticking with me and reaching out when it was dark. Your friendships mean more than you know and sometimes just a 'hang in there' got me through the day. So much love and lots of Christmas cheer to you!

Not a Horrible Halloween This Year

Dramatic much, with the blog post? Yes, a lil dramatic but hey, in my mind it's warranted. Here's why.

Last year, on Halloween, I started the job from hades. I knew it was going to be hellacious, I cried when I accepted the job, I cried on my way home from my first day of training and I cried probably every week I was there. Awful, awful. 

I remember crying to Lynn and my sisters every day driving home the first week. And worrying I wouldn't be able to handle everything. Worrying about my life going forward. Worrying about people not showing up for shifts. Worrying, worrying, worrying. Yet knowing this was one of two full-time job offers I'd received in six months and this one was the 'right' one to take. 

Because the other one was easy. In an office. Something I was trying to get away from at the time. This one was the job people helped me get. Went out on a limb for with recommendations. So, naturally I couldn't turn it down after it was offered. Buck up, buttercup and all that jazz right?

Y'all, it was bad, no it was worse than I imagined. I had a feeling it would be chaos, a gut feeling in my stomach this was NOT for me and I was 100% correct. I mean, a full on three day gallbladder attack the weekend before my job starts must have been someone kind of warning, right? Because this job took a lot out of me.

Because of this job my health suffered. Because of this job I found myself floundering again. Because of this job I was tested. Because of this job I became someone I never believed could exist. Because of this job I didn't sleep. Because of this job I cried everyday. Because of this job fights with Le Husband happened frequently. Because of this job I doubted myself. Because of this job, I quit.

Before you stop reading because you think I'm ungrateful, trust me, I get it. I 100% understand that the job from hades was still THE JOB I prayed for so many many months. The job that took me from part time to full-time. From no benefits to benefits. From zero management skills to management of a team of sixteen. This job made me believe I could be a personal trainer full-time. This job brought me to some incredible friendships and people. This job taught me more about myself than I ever knew. This job qualified us for a house. This job was the first stepping stone towards a different life. 

Now here I am, a year later. On the brink of beginning my personal training career. Something I never in A MILLION years expected. One small step at a horrible job, made it all possible. 

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Wishing you and yours a fun, safe and happy halloween!

Putting Down the Bricks

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I'm good at holding grudges. I'm also not shy about telling people how good I am at holding onto things. I can and I will. If someone did you wrong and you need someone on your team, giiiirl I'm there. I'm there taking them down, I'm there reminding you how much better you are without them, I'm there to support you through everything. And if you move on, I'm there for you too, but I've always got that HURT in my head and won't move on completely.

It's the same with people who have wronged me. Oh I'm goooooooood at holding on and remembering why I don't want someone in my life anymore. Or what I would do if they ever talked to me again. I'll forgive, but I won't forget. That hurt, that issue? It sits and stays. And is ready to be called up at any moment.

Which is tiring. And heavy. All those bricks. All those moments in the past I still hold on to because I carry the grudge. What good is it doing me? How is it helping me live a happy life? Easy answer, it's not. I heard a sermon on Sunday where the pastor compared grudges to bricks at the bottom of a pool. How one brick, one problem, one grudge you can manage as you kick back up to the surface. But as you add on grievances and grudges, the heavier the load and harder it is to swim to the surface. The surface is oxygen and happiness and the bottom of the pool is not.

In the past 34 years I've learned a great deal. One of the things I'm learning late in life is to LET.IT.GO. Holding grudges does nothing for the offender, it just continues to poison my life. Take up brain and emotional space I could use for greater, more important things. Happier things for a happier life. So here are the bricks I'm laying down:

To the college boyfriend who chose his fraternity and senior year escapades over me. Who tried to make it work again but couldn't abide by my terms. Who truly did a number on me with regards to opening my heart and trusting men. Who almost ruined my senior year in college. Who never could get over the fact I made the soccer team and he didn't get asked to play. I'm putting down the brick.

To the best friend in college who fooled everyone. Who decided to lie, cheat and steal. Who 'supported me' unless it conflicted with her playing time. Who always tried to talk me into making wrong decisions. Who was a master at manipulation and would never talk honestly about problems. Who chose to keep everyone in the dark to live a double life. I'm putting down the brick.

To the ex-best friend who let her jealousy ruin our decade old relationship. Who constantly tried to push me down a different path than the one I wanted. Who couldn't stand the thought of me being married before her. Who decided one day she no longer wanted to be happy for me and tried to make people choose between us. I'm putting down the brick.

To the trolls on sports teams who enjoy riling everyone up because they can. The ones who decide to post stupid things online, say untrue things about people's character and accuse others of cheating. Who drive me crazy because they know just what to say to push my buttons. I'm putting down the brick.

To the person I cut out of my life four years ago who continues to try and stir up drama. Who's need for constant pump ups and dramatics became too exhaustive for me and who tried to lie about everything after I ended the friendship. You're big and bad behind a computer screen as you continue to rehash the past. Which used to annoy me because it's different from the who you really are in the world, but once again, I'm moving on with my life. I'm putting down the brick

To the extended family members who continue to try my patiences being rude to others I love. You can't choose family and sometimes things get heated and words get said that can never be unheard. I wish we could all get along. I'm putting down the brick.

My shoulders are so much lighter after writing this here. I'm sure I'll still hold a grudge and feel heavy again, but I'm actively trying to change my mentality. Nothing changes overnight, but a single step is where success starts.

Now, please understand. This is not some post to say forgive and forget anything and everything. I don't pretend to know everyone's situation or struggles. As you just read, most of the bricks I carry are quite small compared to many of the world's problems. Which is why I need to set them down.

This post is mostly for me. To finally say the words out loud, to truly get it out of my head and here. And maybe, this post might help someone else put down the brick(s). Maybe lighten someone else's load. What brick do you need to put down?

What's New With You {October}

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Late to the party, womp womp. But, at least I'm still at the party, right?

New things in my hood:

+ Now a certified personal trainer (CPT) after failing the exam in June. WOOOOHOOO

+ Starting the trainer training (haha) and excited/nervous to learn everything.

+ Babysissy is coming to visit me this weekend while Le Husband is out of town. I was green with envy he was going to be in Las Vegas without me, but now sissy will be here I think I got the better end of the deal. #familyalways

+ Sportyspice might be getting a puppy, eeeeek.

+ Bummer of a new is my knee. Or IT band. Or ligament. Just SOMETHING along the outer part of my right knee is bothering me, especially after I teach. I'm on an icing and stretching regiment per a PT friend, but uggggh, y'all, just ugh!!!!

+ Oh and yeah, did I mention LAUNCH IS NEXT WEEK!?!?!? EGAD!

+ I've slowly brought my other blog out of the spiderwebs. Please stop by if you have the chance and let me know your honest thoughts. What would you like to read/see from a new fitness blog?

+ My tribe of women friends is growing here and I'm beyond grateful. There are some amazing women who are fitness instructors and are friends of fitness instructors and I've enjoyed getting to know each and every person. So thankful to slowly have my tribe form.

+ October brings beautiful days and I find myself praising the beauty of the world every morning.

Alright, thats all she wrote. Nothing spectacular or pretty with pictures, but these are the new things happening in my life at the moment. I'm trying to get better about being here more often, so please keep checking back. Join me tomorrow for Weekly Wins :)!