"Gosh, when did you get so soft?"
"Everyone else is enjoying life more than you are."
"Why do bad things always happen to me?"
"Her? Yeah, that girl. She's better than you and has everything now."
"Sweet chicken pox facial scars and forehead wrinkle lines. #ugly"
"They're laughing at your picture online."
"You're in this mess because you messed with safety."
"Kiss the easy life goodbye, honey. You chose this, you now live it."
"Those dreams? Yeah, never gonna happen, so stop wasting your time."
All those nasty thoughts you struggle with secretly. All the bad things that go through your head. Don't worry, you're not the only one dealing with them. I constantly battle the bad self. The bad thoughts and more often then not, I battle them away. They get pushed into a box after I count my blessings and remember each day is a gift. Usually I find the good and can move on with a smile.
Sometimes the bad self takes over the brain and won't be ignored. Sometimes, I fall down the rabbit hole of self doubt, fear and pity. Sometimes my bright world turns grey as I list all the things wrong with me, my body, my life, my decisions and my world. I find hundreds upon thousands of things I can't change and wallow in the quiet space inside my brain.
My smile dims. My laugh quiets. My motivation dries up like the desert. "Live here" repeats over and over again. An anthem to give up, to recognize the insignificance of myself in such a vast, exotic world. "Nothing". Just, "nothing."
Thoughts and words are powerful. They can shape our existence and our well being. Thankfully, my time with the 'bad self' usually is limited to a few days. Someone, some song, or something usually pulls the clouds away and I revive myself in the sunshine pouring down onto my soul. Tears often richen the soil of my heart and I emerge with goals anew, visions a plenty and an even more grateful heart. Life is a blessing.
Until next time, melancholy. - xx