April 26, 2010


Blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!!! I do not like how the previous post sounded.

Ugh I sound so whiny.
Ugh I sound so childish.
Ugh I sound so weak.

But luckily things have changed and for the better. This weekend I was suppose to go out of town, but instead stayed around to get things done. I had been a little worried about being in my apt all alone (roommate P was out of town), but my friends and family of course came through again. I had a great time hanging out with people; strengthening new friendships and nurturing old ones. A great church service and a great time cleaning, but let me address the new attitude.

I had been moping while cleaning around the apt and was getting worried about how long this phase would last. And then the most wonderful thing happened. I walked into a room to put something away and when I walked out BOOM, I was 3249803284 pounds lighter because my sadness was gone. I am not kidding GONE! Like someone grabbed it off my shoulders and took it away from me. What caught me by surprise was I wasn't thinking about it or praying about it or anything. I was just walking around the apt doing things. How amazing is our God? He must have known I was ready for the pain and ache to go away.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still miss my friend (it's been 2+ weeks only) and having that person. I still think about him and miss our inside jokes. But, it's more now the normal feeling of....yep we just broke up. Everyone has done it and a lot of people have dealt with worse. But, that feeling of doubt, worthlessness and sadness is GONE GONE GONE!!!!

I am now just living life, licking my wounds when I need to and moving on. Who knows what the future brings but I do know I have the best friend in the world on my side. Thank you Jesus for your love, patience and constant looking out.

Cheers to life!


April 22, 2010

It wasn't suppose to be this way...

(Editorial note: This was suppose to be posted on Friday but I did not have time to post. Things have since changed, but I still think it's important to document all the feelings.)

Last year when I toyed with the idea of writing a blog I never imagined it would be like this. I never thought most of my posts would revolve around some guy and then some guy and I breaking up. This wasn't suppose to be a place to feel sorry for myself. This wasn't suppose to be a place to sound so weak. This wasn't suppose to be a place to constantly write about how upset I am or feel.

This was suppose to be a happy place. One where I write about keeping my Faith and my p!nk outlook on a world that often appears grey. A place where I write about problems but then with solutions, not just the same drivel over and over. I am so inspired by many of the women who's blogs I read (lurk over). I haven't gotten the gumption to actual reach out to these amazing people, but maybe one day I will. But, when they come over to my blog what are they going to think? Gosh, this poor girl can't get away from this guy and the problems. Now, I must tell you. I am a very very emotional (no drama) girl. I honestly wear my heart on my sleeve and just want to make everyone's day better if I can.

But here I go again. I'm sad and I don't understand what is going on. I know GT was wrong for me, we wouldn't have worked in the forever category but we had so much fun NOW! And, it hurts me to wonder why I wasn't good enough for him to change. (I KNOW!!! People don't change....they can't change their complete character, but still). I just don't understand why he chose to be such a jerk on my birthday, on purpose. (Yeah, I just found out it was intentional). And what makes me sad is all the memories we had and how they are tainted. And, how it was suppose to be different. We were suppose to break up amicably, have a week of silence and then fall into a fun friend zone. THAT'S WHAT WAS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! But now we aren't speaking, on my request, because he wanted to be friends. However, I know there is too much anger on my end for it to work. Yet, there is this part of me that wonders, 'does he still want to be friends?' "Does he still miss me?" 'If I wait too long will he want to be friends in the future or will he have moved on?' 'Should he even be allowed to be my friend?'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want what I want and why isn't it that way?!?!

April 20, 2010

I'm just a little p!nk rain cloud

I've always had a special place in my heart for winnie the pooh (and of course p!nk piglet). While WTP has nothing to do with my post, the line from one of his songs seemed to be the perfect title. My mood has been very melancholy lately, due to the break up and it has been driving me nuts. I feel like this little p!nk rain cloud filled with tears instead of rain.

I know all break ups are hard.
I know this was the best thing.
I know it's only been a week plus.
I know friends are gonna get tired of listening to me.
I know in order to get over everything I need to forgive.
I know that right now I am too stubborn to do so.
I know there will be someone so much better out there for me.
I know I need to stop hoping he will call so I can give him a piece of my mind.
I know he has had a month already to get over this.
I know he probably is already over it and moved on.
I know I should too.
I know I have to admit at times I miss him.
I know I am blessed with such amazing family, friends and my faith in a loving God.
I know I mostly miss having that someone around to do things with.
I know I shouldn't email him back.
I know I am not as emotionally strong as I thought.
I know I can work on it.
I know there are worse things I have gone through and others are going through.
I know one day I will look back and go, wow, look what I went through.
I know once I give it up to God 100% it will all be okay.

I also know that knowing isn't doing
and I need to DO rather than SAY!


April 16, 2010

The BLESSED Birthday yet!

Happy Friday everyone!!!! (or anyone)!

Normally I try to make Fridays FAITHful, but this week the word of the day is:

I am sooooooooo incredibly blessed in my life and yesterday was proof positive! Yesterday I celebrated my birthday and it was probably one of the top 3 I can remember. Nothing majorly big or special happened, but I had a day where I felt a complete out pouring of love from all of my close friends and acquaintances. I received numerous texts, calls, facebook messages from friends near and far. My work team got me a P!NK birthday cake, specially made. I had dinner with my family and met up with a very dear friend, CH for after dinner drinks and chat time.
Who needs GT? While I am still dealing with the aftermath of what happened I had an epiphany last night. If we had been dating for my birthday, I can guarantee that I would have been disappointed because he wouldn't have made the day special. (Sidenote: he did call me on weds and sent me a response email on my birthday. And NO I haven't responded to either). He wouldn't have put his life or day aside for me and I would have been sad all over again.
God seems to know what he is doing huh? I mean, I could have gone without the hurt of feeling lied to for a whole month and someone ruining my birthday. But, maybe that's the only think that would have got my rear end into gear.
All in all, I had a fantastical day and feel so blessed to have everyone who helped with my happiness in my life.

April 12, 2010

I've been GOD SMACKED...not by the band

I know my title seems to contradict the loving nature that is our wonderful God, but sometimes we need to be smacked upside the head in order to understand what he is trying to tell us.

And people...this weekend I got smacked....and smacked good.

I've written about my relationship with GT previously and the struggles we have faced. The biggest concern for both of us was our difference in beliefs spiritually (me being a Christian and him being Agnostic). Back a few months ago this situation came up and we BOTH DECIDED to try and make things work by being open about problems and what I thought was trying to understand each others beliefs. Looking back I realize I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the fun times and his company so I was willing to try and see if he was worth changing some of my beliefs.

Let's fast forward to this past weekend, especially this past Saturday, which was my birthday party. QUICK sidenote: I am a BIRTHDAYAHOLIC!!!! I think birthdays are fabulous for everyone and try very hard to make other peoples birthdays super special. So, this is one day where I don't feel bad wanting to feel special and the center of attention. End sidenote! GT on the other hand could care less about birthdays but has been warned (for the past month haha) about how excited I am for my birthday, my party and my month. Now I didn't expect him to pull out all the stops and do something fantastical (not his style), but I never expected him to ruin part of my party and then leave me hanging until I called him the next day.

I could go on with all the wrong things that happened on Saturday night (and I probably will in another post), but the kicker was he showed up to MY birthday party intoxicated and acted like a jerk. So, all of my friends had to deal with a sad birthday girl and an idiotic boyfriend. But, no worries, we are not dating anymore.

That's right folks, we broke up Sunday night....on my birthday weekend...4 days before my birthday...CLASS ACT don't you think!?

As I have mentioned, the break up needed to happen. We were not right for each other fundamentally and so I am not mad about the fact we broke up....sad, yes of course. What I am mad about is on Sunday he told me he thought our realtionship hasn't grown in the past MONTH or so and he's been stressing over this for awhile but didn't know how to tell me. SAAAAAAAAAAAAY WHAT?!?!?! The past month or so?!?! I told him to let me know if he had any doubts, but instead he chose to keep it bottled up until this exact moment? If he had been faking it the past month couldn't he have waited until AFTER my birthday?

But, don't worry, he still wants to be friends. He even reminded me about a family wedding we were suppose to go to next month....the kicker....he still wants to take me. "I don't want to lose our relationship, I just want to change it." You're kidding right? How can I believe anything he says now? He's been lying to me for the past month. And....okay I need to get back the point of this post...which isn't to just vent.

I have been praying and praying about our relationship because I KNEW in my heart having a non Christian as my husband is NOT how I see myself living for the rest of my life. But I was SOOOO enamored, in love, happy, and content with GT and I...except for our spiritual difference. WHICH IS A BIG ONE PINKY...HELLO! Which, is what I think God was trying to get across to me in smaller ways, that I just batted away from my face like annoying gnats.

So, He decided to make it VERY APPARENT that GT and I do not belong together. Having a boyfriend who lies to my face for a month, ruins my birthday party and subsequently my birthday is NOT what God wants for me. So, despite the hurt, sadness, anger, outrage, and disbelief I feel I know the break up was the right thing.

It's just sad that GT turned out to be such a jerk :(

April 5, 2010


Happy EASTER!!!!!!

Yes, I know I am a day late, but it is Easter Monday right?I hope you and yours had a fabulous Easter full of Christ's Love and joy.Mine was wonderful, and filled with family, church, beautiful music and beautiful weather.What a joy to know our Saviour is RISEN!
After a dark dark Friday, we see the brightest light on an Easter Sunday.
We are truly truly blessed, don't you agree?

My church is blessed to have an amazing choir director (shout out to the choir whoop).
He and his wife are just amazing singers and teachers. I have been lucky enough to sing with
and for both of them, since I sing in the choir at church.
They often team up for the special services (Christmas and Easter)
and this Easter she sang the most beautiful song:

Was it a Morning Like this? by Sandi Patti

If you have never heard this song, head over to YouTube right now and listen to it.
the words and music are amazing.
When she sang the words, I got goosebumps in church, they are that powerful.
But at the same time playful, like a child wondering about the glorious mystery.
Please enjoy the lyrics below and go out and listen to the song if you get the chance.
you won't be disappointed
I promise!

Was it a Morning Like This?

Sandi Patti

Was it a morning like this
When the Son still Hid from Jerusalem?
And Mary rose from her bed
To tend to the Lord She thought was dead

Was it a morning like this
When Mary walked down From Jerusalem?
And two Angels stood at the tomb
Bearers of news She would hear soon

Did the grass sing
Did the earth rejoice
To feel you again

Chorus: Over and over Like a trumpet underground

Did the earth seem to pound,"He is risen"

Over and over In a never-ending round

He is risen , Alleluia, Alleluia."

Was it a morning like this
When Peter and John ran from Jerusalem?
And as they raced towards the tomb
Beneath their feet Was there a tune

Did the grass sing
Did the earth rejoice
To feel you again

(Chorus) x2

Was it a morning like this
When my Lord looked out
On Jerusalem?
He is risen
Alleluia Alleluia Alleluia

ps.com: not sure if I need to write where I got the lyrics from (copyright issues)

but i found them on free-lyrics.com