April 22, 2010

It wasn't suppose to be this way...

(Editorial note: This was suppose to be posted on Friday but I did not have time to post. Things have since changed, but I still think it's important to document all the feelings.)

Last year when I toyed with the idea of writing a blog I never imagined it would be like this. I never thought most of my posts would revolve around some guy and then some guy and I breaking up. This wasn't suppose to be a place to feel sorry for myself. This wasn't suppose to be a place to sound so weak. This wasn't suppose to be a place to constantly write about how upset I am or feel.

This was suppose to be a happy place. One where I write about keeping my Faith and my p!nk outlook on a world that often appears grey. A place where I write about problems but then with solutions, not just the same drivel over and over. I am so inspired by many of the women who's blogs I read (lurk over). I haven't gotten the gumption to actual reach out to these amazing people, but maybe one day I will. But, when they come over to my blog what are they going to think? Gosh, this poor girl can't get away from this guy and the problems. Now, I must tell you. I am a very very emotional (no drama) girl. I honestly wear my heart on my sleeve and just want to make everyone's day better if I can.

But here I go again. I'm sad and I don't understand what is going on. I know GT was wrong for me, we wouldn't have worked in the forever category but we had so much fun NOW! And, it hurts me to wonder why I wasn't good enough for him to change. (I KNOW!!! People don't change....they can't change their complete character, but still). I just don't understand why he chose to be such a jerk on my birthday, on purpose. (Yeah, I just found out it was intentional). And what makes me sad is all the memories we had and how they are tainted. And, how it was suppose to be different. We were suppose to break up amicably, have a week of silence and then fall into a fun friend zone. THAT'S WHAT WAS SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! But now we aren't speaking, on my request, because he wanted to be friends. However, I know there is too much anger on my end for it to work. Yet, there is this part of me that wonders, 'does he still want to be friends?' "Does he still miss me?" 'If I wait too long will he want to be friends in the future or will he have moved on?' 'Should he even be allowed to be my friend?'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want what I want and why isn't it that way?!?!

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