July 27, 2017

Randomly Put Together Thoughts

// My weekend was spent playing in a kickball tournament for 13+ hours. It was long. It was hot. It was random rules and often annoying but in the end we won so it was awesome. People think we are crazy, they aren't wrong, but this sport has created many fun memories. Driving home champs after a long day in the sun made it all worth it.

// Just when I feel on the cusp of the abyss, friends show up in the most surprising way. Two of my dear fitness friends took time out of their day to come eat a quick janky Subway lunch with me yesterday. Over the past year we've become a trio of sorts and due to busy summer schedules hadn't had a chance to all get together. So, they put together lunch and we enjoyed 25 minutes together catching up and laughing too much. That is friendship. That makes me grateful.

// Distraction has been the name of the game recently. I've always been a distracted person, but recently things have journeyed to a whole new level. Lists will get written. Goals set. And then, nothing. Because I want to look at my phone. Or read stupid online things. Watching shows online at work has stolen moments of productivity for my own personal goals. I just can't stop this cycle, does anyone have any ideas.

// Ask me if I've opened my NASM textbook to start studying again. NOPE! I thought my failure the first time would light a fire under my fanny, but again, NOPE! I don't want to study. It reminds me of HOW STUPID I felt after failing. Learning this stuff is HARD, but I want so badly to pass. I need to grow up and just do it.

// There is a training in Nashville next month I desperately want to attend. Finally an advanced training for BODYATTACK, finally. But...but...I don't want to inmeped on my Nashville friends AGAIN. I've stayed with them three times this year already, without truly hanging out with them, and I just feel horrid asking to stay the night again. Many peoples saying I'm being silly, but my sense of 'using them' just won't go away. I'm dabbling in the idea of just making it a day journey, leaving at 5am and then driving home once it's over, since the training is just a day. I NEED this training to move on to the NEXT step with Les Mills. I know it in my heart missing this will make me miss opportunities in the future.

// Hard to believe this time last year I started working for Gold's. My, what a different time and feeling. July 2016 was still a happy time for me, I was enjoying the summer on the lake while trying to find permanent job. Life was still hopeful, I was still naive. Things didn't begin to unravel until September. July was happy and I miss those carefree days of nothing.

// Family will be in town this weekend and I can't wait. Our lil nephews will be here and my mom is coming down for an unexpected funeral. Family is my home. I crave it so I will be basking in the glow.

July 18, 2017

I Needed This

Have you ever been somewhere or attended something and had the distinct feeling of belonging? Knowing THIS was where you were supposed to be despite where you wanted to be or second guessing decisions? A validation you never knew you needed so desperately?

Cue my Saturday.

Which I was nervous AF about attending. Which was messing with my brain all week. Which was something I knew I needed but didn't prepare for well. Which scared the poop out of me. Which ended up helping me find a different side of myself.

If you read my one post last week, you would have seen a bullet point about a BODYCOMBAT advanced training. I have only been certified since December so advanced training was a bit of a stretch but the trainer leading everything is a friend of mine and a role model as well. It was local [all the praise hands] and a lot of people I originally certified with were attending which made it less scary. Normally I'm miss OVER PREPARED for trainings but this time things were different. It was launch week, I was behind in life & choreography and since I DON'T have my own COMBAT class on the schedule I had yet to teach any of the tracks until Friday. As in the day before the training.

Yeah, talk about procrastination which is another post for another day.

I won't bore you with a full play by play [you can catch a bit of the recap here on my Instagram] because that would take awhile, but I will give you the big piece moments. I honestly arrived to the class exhausted, defeated and scared but thankfully my trainer felt my energy and immediately changed it, asking about life and then put me at ease to make sure I felt comfortable. Having friends in the class also helped me relax and helped me realize I needed to test myself and not play it safe.

Meaning, I chose to present a track outside my ability and essence. BODYCOMBAT is a fitness class combined of mixed martial arts, one of the arts being Muay Thai. I have been fascinated by Muay Thai for years but have never stepped into a class. Teaching BODYCOMBAT has given me a tiny glimpse into all the martial arts and I've been able to 'glaze' my way through Muay Thai tracks using motivating words for participants, but have never been authentic to the essence.

My first presentation went well, I actually received the compliment of 'checking all the boxes' [which no one else received], with the challenge of finding my inner warrior or barbarian. Because Muay Thai is tough. Muay Thai is no holds bar. Muay Thai is strength and bravery. Muay Thai is the complete opposite of my personality, but that is why it fascinates me.

Throughout the rest of the day we learned about all the martial arts, practiced our punches/kicks, used gloves to work on our strikes and then BOOM it was time to present again. I was one of the last to present and it was incredible seeing the growth of my fellow instructors in such a short time. One of the best parts of being an instructor is the sense of immediate TRIBE and family once you are certified. Everyone was championing everyone and I could see the smiling encouraging faces as I stood on the stage to present.

From the track introduction I changed. I was strong. I was intense. I was NOT smiling [until I was told I could bring a bit of fun to the track, ha]. I was fierce. I used my big girl voice. I let the words of the song speak through a build and then unleashed my HUGE voice to push through the jump knees at the end of the track. In a sense I lost my mind coaching and surrendered fully to the teaching the moment. When the music stopped I had this moment of confusion because I completely forgot where I was until I looked up at my friends. And the shock on their faces said it all. I did it! I had changed and found what I was challenged to find. Y'all, it was awesome.

To be clear, I wasn't perfect, I had help creating certain moments as I mirrored what my trainer was doing to help me achieve my goal. There are quite a few technical moments that need to be cleaned up but I FOUND what I was looking for and it couldn't have come at a better time. The past few weeks I've felt quite a sense of loss and sadness. My purpose seems lacking and last week, during a particularly vulnerable moment, I felt so insignificant and unwanted because I wasn't part of something I desperately thought I needed.

And then THIS! THIS! This moment on Saturday where my being here made sense. If I had traveled somewhere else I wouldn't have found THIS person. This part of my soul wouldn't have felt awakened and I wouldn't have experienced how GOOD I can be at something I truly love. Sunday I was asked to sub a class for a friend and I took EVERYTHING I learned on Saturday and brought it to the class, even though it was a different format. One of my fellow instructors from Saturday attended the class and he told me afterwards he was blown away by my teaching. He said I rocked it and he could tell how much the members enjoyed the class even though they were working extremely hard.

THAT is what matters. THAT is what I work for every class. That is what I've felt was missing in some classes recently and now that I've found I can't wait to teach again. It's not my full time job, but it brings me so much joy. Even when I'm tired, helping people makes me happy and knowing I have more tools in the box to give them a great class is beyond fantastic.

If you've made it this far, congrats. What started off a just a post has unexpatlyed turned into one giant pat on the back, which normally I'd cringe reading, but not today. Not now. My heart needed this pat. My body needed this pat. My whole soul was aching for this pat. Today I wish you success in finding your validation. Be it small or huge, I send you ALL my good vibes. Because THIS, this is what living is all about. CHEERS!

July 12, 2017

Whirlwind Wednesday

Somehow Wednesdays have become my recap my life days. Why? I honestly don't know. Maybe it has to do with time. Maybe it has to do with the fact I can't seem to want to open my computer at home. Maybe it has to do with the fact the past 20 days have been insanely busy and crazy. Probably a culmination of everything I guess. Today is just a recap mishmash which might not make a lot of sense. Onward to the bullet point style post.

|| My family left last week and Wednesday was one of the hardest days I've experienced in a long time. Waking up, getting ready to go to a job I don't like because I don't have much time off, while my sisters were at home broke my heart. I just wanted to hang out with them a little bit more and I couldn't. Life can be so hard sometimes. Yes, I know people have it harder. Yes, I know we are lucky with technology but it's just not the same. The only constant thing in life is change and I know I need to embrace that mentality with our distance. Hopefully some day soon I'll get there.

|| Le Husband and I took a very quick trip to northern Michigan last weekend to celebrate dear friends getting married. Again I felt the drag of not having vacation as we had to make it only a three day trip, with two days traveling. It was quite a trip with lots of driving but well worth it in the end. We were able to explore the beautiful destination of Petosky and reunite with great friends. Kickball couples for life.

|| Gold's Gym Fitfest this week and I'm drowning in choreography. Every quarter I tell myself I'm going to learn the new releases immediately and not wait to the last minute and EVERY QUARTER I'm scrambling to learn releases the day of, night of and right before class. Life just keeps happening and I will admit I'm grateful for a quiet office where I can practice right now. Wish me luck, I'm launching three formats this week!

|| I also decided to further my BODYCOMBAT certification and attend an advanced training on Saturday. Did I mention already that I DON'T have a COMBAT class right now so I've barely cracked open the release? Ha, yeah, that's going to be a fun Friday after work. Sometimes I don't understand why I do this to myself.

|| Le Husband is traveling more than ever and I'm so proud of him in his job. Weeks like this it's nice to have the full house to myself one or two nights, but other times I miss him a lot. Our relationship has gotten back to where it used to be now we are more settled and I'm so grateful. We aren't perfect and we still have LOTS to work on {communication}, but the fun spark heart emojis have been back for a bit and I'm beyond thankful.

|| My crazy pants instructor life and some plans in the future have me in a bit of a funk right now. I'm feeling kind of lost again, without a direct path and an increasingly feeling of melancholy is right in the back of my brain. I attribute a lot of the blah to my diet which completely derailed from the tracks the last two weeks. Good foods in should help my body and mood, right?

So, friends, how are you? What's happening? Tell me in the comments!

July 7, 2017

Family Friday

You You Part of me wanted not to post this week. Part of me couldn't let it go unnoticed my family was here. My heart was whole for three days. We had so much fun, it was wondrously fabulous being reunited. Crazy a week from today they were here....HERE, with me. And now they aren't and my heart is sad.

Wednesday was a pretty painful day for me. I cried through the early morning and let's not even talk about the drive to work. Even though life is in a MUCH better place than the last time I saw everyone it was still incredibly hard to drive away to work while they drove back to Virginia. Sometimes I just don't understand.

Anyway, today is not the day I want to dwell on anything. Today I just want to post fun pictures and remember our family 4th of July weekend. It was a glorious time on the lake, even with rain, and we all had a blast together. We spent time catching up, laughing too much, catching some rays, eating too much food, working out together, dancing, hugging, crying and just being the Brady Bunch. I want to do it allll over again, RIGHT NOW!