July 18, 2017

I Needed This

Have you ever been somewhere or attended something and had the distinct feeling of belonging? Knowing THIS was where you were supposed to be despite where you wanted to be or second guessing decisions? A validation you never knew you needed so desperately?

Cue my Saturday.

Which I was nervous AF about attending. Which was messing with my brain all week. Which was something I knew I needed but didn't prepare for well. Which scared the poop out of me. Which ended up helping me find a different side of myself.

If you read my one post last week, you would have seen a bullet point about a BODYCOMBAT advanced training. I have only been certified since December so advanced training was a bit of a stretch but the trainer leading everything is a friend of mine and a role model as well. It was local [all the praise hands] and a lot of people I originally certified with were attending which made it less scary. Normally I'm miss OVER PREPARED for trainings but this time things were different. It was launch week, I was behind in life & choreography and since I DON'T have my own COMBAT class on the schedule I had yet to teach any of the tracks until Friday. As in the day before the training.

Yeah, talk about procrastination which is another post for another day.

I won't bore you with a full play by play [you can catch a bit of the recap here on my Instagram] because that would take awhile, but I will give you the big piece moments. I honestly arrived to the class exhausted, defeated and scared but thankfully my trainer felt my energy and immediately changed it, asking about life and then put me at ease to make sure I felt comfortable. Having friends in the class also helped me relax and helped me realize I needed to test myself and not play it safe.

Meaning, I chose to present a track outside my ability and essence. BODYCOMBAT is a fitness class combined of mixed martial arts, one of the arts being Muay Thai. I have been fascinated by Muay Thai for years but have never stepped into a class. Teaching BODYCOMBAT has given me a tiny glimpse into all the martial arts and I've been able to 'glaze' my way through Muay Thai tracks using motivating words for participants, but have never been authentic to the essence.

My first presentation went well, I actually received the compliment of 'checking all the boxes' [which no one else received], with the challenge of finding my inner warrior or barbarian. Because Muay Thai is tough. Muay Thai is no holds bar. Muay Thai is strength and bravery. Muay Thai is the complete opposite of my personality, but that is why it fascinates me.

Throughout the rest of the day we learned about all the martial arts, practiced our punches/kicks, used gloves to work on our strikes and then BOOM it was time to present again. I was one of the last to present and it was incredible seeing the growth of my fellow instructors in such a short time. One of the best parts of being an instructor is the sense of immediate TRIBE and family once you are certified. Everyone was championing everyone and I could see the smiling encouraging faces as I stood on the stage to present.

From the track introduction I changed. I was strong. I was intense. I was NOT smiling [until I was told I could bring a bit of fun to the track, ha]. I was fierce. I used my big girl voice. I let the words of the song speak through a build and then unleashed my HUGE voice to push through the jump knees at the end of the track. In a sense I lost my mind coaching and surrendered fully to the teaching the moment. When the music stopped I had this moment of confusion because I completely forgot where I was until I looked up at my friends. And the shock on their faces said it all. I did it! I had changed and found what I was challenged to find. Y'all, it was awesome.

To be clear, I wasn't perfect, I had help creating certain moments as I mirrored what my trainer was doing to help me achieve my goal. There are quite a few technical moments that need to be cleaned up but I FOUND what I was looking for and it couldn't have come at a better time. The past few weeks I've felt quite a sense of loss and sadness. My purpose seems lacking and last week, during a particularly vulnerable moment, I felt so insignificant and unwanted because I wasn't part of something I desperately thought I needed.

And then THIS! THIS! This moment on Saturday where my being here made sense. If I had traveled somewhere else I wouldn't have found THIS person. This part of my soul wouldn't have felt awakened and I wouldn't have experienced how GOOD I can be at something I truly love. Sunday I was asked to sub a class for a friend and I took EVERYTHING I learned on Saturday and brought it to the class, even though it was a different format. One of my fellow instructors from Saturday attended the class and he told me afterwards he was blown away by my teaching. He said I rocked it and he could tell how much the members enjoyed the class even though they were working extremely hard.

THAT is what matters. THAT is what I work for every class. That is what I've felt was missing in some classes recently and now that I've found I can't wait to teach again. It's not my full time job, but it brings me so much joy. Even when I'm tired, helping people makes me happy and knowing I have more tools in the box to give them a great class is beyond fantastic.

If you've made it this far, congrats. What started off a just a post has unexpatlyed turned into one giant pat on the back, which normally I'd cringe reading, but not today. Not now. My heart needed this pat. My body needed this pat. My whole soul was aching for this pat. Today I wish you success in finding your validation. Be it small or huge, I send you ALL my good vibes. Because THIS, this is what living is all about. CHEERS!


  1. I love this so much! There is no greater feeling than just clicking with something like that! I felt that way yesterday with my stroller strong mom class, I was terrified but instantly felt like I belonged.

  2. This is amazing, congrats gurlie! That is such an amazing feeling, and it usually does come from bringing yourself somewhere you're super afraid to be or do. Get it girl <3
    Green Fashionista

  3. Congrats! You did awesome, I don't know how anyone is an instructor, doing all the moves and not sounding out of breath is amazing to me.

  4. DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT MUAY THAI IS AMAZING?! it's tough and hard and the drills OMFG but it will whip you into shape like nothing else. it's why I'm so addicted! i love that you are loving it. keep up the great work.

  5. Loved this post so much-- you can really feel as your excitement builds as you got further into the training. It sounds like such a great encouraging environment to help you grow.

  6. I'm so proud of you! There's nothing better than stepping out of your comfort zone and tackling something that makes you uncomfortable. It's hard as hell, but you are so accomplished after it. Well done!

  7. Such a heartwarming read! Happy for you girl. You did that!

  8. Isn't that the best feeling?! You're right where you belong. Happy for you friend!

  9. girl this is so awesome! i love this for you. being good at something you truly love is such an awesome feeling, and you really seem so happy doing all of this. muay thai fascinates me as well, i am definitely not bad ass enough for it but it is so intriguing. i've been doing kickboxing lately and really like it, it makes me think maybe muay thai is something i can do? who knows lol. but we never know if we don't try!

  10. You really are and have been kicking butt! Can I come?!!! (just kidding, you'd die laughing but I'd be a fun project)

  11. It's amazing that you have pushed yourself to another level girl! xo,Biana-BlovedBoston

  12. Ahhhh!!!! This is so good!!! I'm so proud of you, friend!!!! I'm so glad to hear that you were able to overcome some of the feelings you've been having. Now carry this over into other parts of your life and you'll continue to be unstoppable!


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