Show UP

Feeling a bit in the weeds recently. A lot going on over the weekend which leaves very little time for planning during the week. Then all of a sudden boom, Monday - Friday appears. 

Lots of running around. 

Not a lot of winning the day. Computer and technology issues make me wanna pull my hair out. Then there's planning to video a new work out but the room is already being used. 

Of course there are all the questions. Do I get head shots? How much should I pay? Should I use my camera for videos instead of my phone? How can I get the stupid converter to work to get NEW music for barre classes? Why is my body rebelling on me all of a sudden?

But, I still show up. 

I still try and I still put one food in front of the other. You can too, friends. You can, too. Here is your daily/weekly cheerleader post. Deep breath, charge forward, make it HAPPEN!

***PSDOTCOM: WHAT's going on with blogger and no email comments? I know I'm late to the problem but is there a solution? How are y'all still responding to comments?***

What You Don't See

Mount Denali circa 2014 [a view rarely seen by visitors because of weather]

Hello! Stop whatever you're doing [yes, even reading my blog] and go read THIS piece by my girl, Alyssa [I'll wait]. Done, so good right? Oh, I guess I better clarify, she's not MY girl, but she's someone who tells it like it is and has a fantastic way of inspiring me with her writing. Not only is it 100% grammatically correct - something I'm working on - {Did I even do that right?} her words seem to flow together so easily and all of a sudden I've read six blog posts in a snap. Talent my friends, talent.

Her most recent post broke down something I've had simmering in my head. There are many posts I've read recently and wondered 'what is really going on' or 'is that the real truth?' because it just felt too perfect. Too crafted. Too too, if you will. And then I wondered, 'what do people think about my blog'? Granted, this blog has been neglected and changed a lot in the past year due to life, but back when I was blogging more and sharing more with y'all did it seem authentic? Also, where is the balance in what you share and what you don't share? How much is too much? How much makes someone say 'you know it's out there forever right'? I like to think I keep a good line between real life and not too much. I plan to keep things the same going forward, but today I'm sharing a little bit more than normal. The things you don't see when you read here. The things normally kept just for me in real life.

|| the frustrated moments when i'm a complete mess, crying through my fears and my husband just looks at me. this makes me even madder because all i want is female support but, duh, he's not a female.

|| coinciding with the above, you rarely read about our fights/stresses because i'm one who keeps that off the blog. doesn't mean it doesn't happen, i just choose not to share it. we've had more than normal this year and they have been doozies to say the least. those tough moments of being ugly i keep to myself for the most part.

|| how unhappy i am where my work life has landed. yes, that makes me sound ungrateful so i don't share much here. where i was before was so much worse, so much harder and so much stress but here, now. this place is so unfulfilling and so backwards from where i was in virgina.

|| the tons of pictures i take for fitness stuff and never post. i want so badly to venture into the online fitness world, into a new blog all about fitness and an instagram account for people to use as inspiration. but, i get scared and don't share anything because really, with everything already out there where and how would i stand out?

|| how badly i procrastinate. i'm one of the worst out there, trust me. i wait until the last minute and am one of those who end up paying penalties because things are late. not all the time, but still, often enough. i book flights late. i wait to study or learn things late. i put off asking the hard questions and 90% of the time laziness is the main culprit.

|| our messy, dysfunctional house. we've lived here six months plus and still have things helter skelter. one room, our only other bedroom, is a disaster catch all for the things we don't have a place for yet. i know many a friend who moved with children and had their home settled in two weeks. us? yeah, we just can't seem to get it all together at once.

|| the research I've started to find a therapist. wow. i said it. here. the move away and the stress of everything the past year has brought to life some anxiety and depression i had no idea i held inside. part of my doesn't share this because, my business, but the other part doesn't share because i feel a judgement for being over dramatic.

|| how much i stress and worry about being a good instructor. and how much drama the instructor world holds. it is more work than anyone realizes and it can be tough when people get nasty.

|| the small quiet moments of love and joy. i used to try and share them, with a quick picture and note, but that seemed to taint the moment. now i just enjoy them. with le husband, with friends, with family or just on my own. living my moments means not sharing them here all the time.

Alive and Recovery

Hello, sweet friends, hello. I am alive, well and recovering from my gallbladder surgery on Thursday. Thank you so much for all the prayers, kind words on last week's post, well wishes and good vibes.

Surgery day went smoothly, my gallbladder was more inflamed than expected so surgery was a bit longer than originally thought, but the surgeon did an incredible job. I have four scars on my belly now and the belly button incision is the one causing the most pain, if you will.

Honestly, my recovering is going slower than I would like [imagine that] and I've been in a bit more pain than I expected. Other people have stated how EASY this surgery was for them so I expected it to be even easier for me. Well, wouldn't you know that hasn't been the case? Friday and Saturday I was extremely slow, tired and needed help standing and sitting. I went for a pedicure and lunch with my Mama and aunt, which was a blast, but I was wiped out when it was all over and done.

Lots of laying on the couch resting, not a lot of getting things done. Which I'm learning to be okay with right now. I mean, I lost an organ. OF MY BODY! It is gone! No longer functioning, so now my body is healing and learning how to function without it. Trying to do too much is not going to help me heal faster and I need to not worry about how other people have recovered. My story, my journey.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym in the next few days. FOR EASY workouts, don't worry. Walking the treadmill or moving slowly on the elliptical. No lifting until next week for sure.

Again, thank you for the support. I was unbealievely scared about going under anesthesia and worried about having surgery away from my squad back home. But, God provided support with y'all, with Facebook, with Instagram and with friends who have become family down here. Friends who checked in on me constantly and friends who visited. I am a blessed woman and thankful, so unbelievably thankful.

I wish you the best week, loves <3 

When the Bad Self Takes Over the Brain

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"You're not good enough."

"Gosh, when did you get so soft?"

"Everyone else is enjoying life more than you are."

"Why do bad things always happen to me?"

"Her? Yeah, that girl. She's better than you and has everything now."

"Sweet chicken pox facial scars and forehead wrinkle lines. #ugly"

"They're laughing at your picture online."

"You're in this mess because you messed with safety."

"Kiss the easy life goodbye, honey. You chose this, you now live it."

"Those dreams? Yeah, never gonna happen, so stop wasting your time."

All those nasty thoughts you struggle with secretly. All the bad things that go through your head. Don't worry, you're not the only one dealing with them. I constantly battle the bad self. The bad thoughts and more often then not, I battle them away. They get pushed into a box after I count my blessings and remember each day is a gift. Usually I find the good and can move on with a smile.

But.

But, sometimes.

Sometimes the bad self takes over the brain and won't be ignored. Sometimes, I fall down the rabbit hole of self doubt, fear and pity. Sometimes my bright world turns grey as I list all the things wrong with me, my body, my life, my decisions and my world. I find hundreds upon thousands of things I can't change and wallow in the quiet space inside my brain.

My smile dims. My laugh quiets. My motivation dries up like the desert. "Live here" repeats over and over again. An anthem to give up, to recognize the insignificance of myself in such a vast, exotic world. "Nothing". Just, "nothing."

Thoughts and words are powerful. They can shape our existence and our well being. Thankfully, my time with the 'bad self' usually is limited to a few days. Someone, some song, or something usually pulls the clouds away and I revive myself in the sunshine pouring down onto my soul. Tears often richen the soil of my heart and I emerge with goals anew, visions a plenty and an even more grateful heart. Life is a blessing.

Until next time, melancholy. - xx

Trying to Find My Light

And holy Sh*t has my pink ass been kicked. Every time I wanted to come here and write, decompress and veg out I couldn't because I didn't have the energy. Why? Because I'm not sleeping. Why? Because I'm constantly practicing or teaching classes. Why? Because my job is bananas and barely gives me time to breathe. Why? Because we just bought a town house and there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done. 

I have been a tired soul. The toll of life hurt my heart and my brain and I have been so emotionally, physically and mentally fatigued. It was all I could do to get out of bed and roll into work. The only, O N L Y piece of joy came teaching group fitness. The hour I could zone out with the music and my members gave me a piece of my soul back, but it was never, ever enough. Class ended too soon and suddenly it was back to horrible, stressful, awful reality.

When I say I'm not sleeping, I'm talking newborn parents not sleeping. I'm up EVERY HOUR, like clockwork. Through new hires I've managed to put together a pretty great team and my overnight guy is money now. So, you'd think I'd be okay to sleep knowing he'd be there...nope. Every night, for weeks, no sleep. I finally made a doctors appointment and have been using different plans to combat symptoms but have yet to find an actual cure. When I sleep for five hours I feel like a million bucks and have thankfully had a few of those nights recently. But the normal three hours of collective sleep is slowly crushing me.

I had no idea the toll no sleep and all this stress was taking until my boss at work asked me if I was okay. A dude, y'all, a dude. He point blank asked me if my quality of life was okay because I looked awful. I answered him truthfully and said no, I'm not okay. Because, y'all, I wasn't. 

I am so stressed about money. I have made friends but don't do anything because I don't want to spend money.  I am so over my job. I hate the stress, even though I've now created a stellar team. I'm over the bullshit, the new initiatives and slogans. They legit don't pay me enough and it's hard to have buy-in when you're not getting compensated for your work. I want to be in the fitness world, but operations is NOT for me. All of this stress doesn't just stay with me at work, I bring it home. 

Want to put stress on your marriage? Try quitting your jobs, moving to a new state without jobs, live in someone else's home for six months [four months longer than anticipated], get a new stressful job, buy a home on a teeny salary and then try to move in during the winter and busiest time of the year for said job. Yeah, it's been super peachy here. We are learning together and growing together, which is good, just so the opposite of easy.

Life has been dark, so dark and I've struggled to find the light at the end of my tunnel. I know there has to be one, but it's so dim and far away I wonder if it exists or is just a figment of my imagination. Last week brought me some extra light from friends in response to an Instagram post. My faithful cheerleaders showed up and helped me realize it is achievable and it can be done, I just have to faith and continue to work hard. So that is what I will do. I will continue to show up to the arena and get my ass kicked. I will continue to bring my light into the darkness and look ahead. I will continue to try and achieve my goals and find the finish line ahead. One step forward, one day at a time.

The Opposite of a Friday Favorite.

So what's happening? A whole hell of a lot and nothing at the same time.

This post is brought to you by multiple nights of no sleep as my brain fails to turn off. Or my body doesn't know how to deal with the stress of changes and real life adulting. My emotions have been all over the place the past few weeks as opportunities have arrived, which is great, but then things lined up so perfectly suddenly go helter skelter and it seems as though we are starting all over again...all over again.

Today is a day that brings about much anticipation, fear and almost a sense of foreboding. Today I find out where I will be working full-time. I had an offer made last week in an easier administrative position [set hours, full benefits, vacation, 401k] and the day before my interview another job was posted, one more in the wheelhouse I THINK I want. So I interviewed for that position earlier this week, it went well but the expectations were sky high, something I hadn't expected. The second position would require managing people, inventory, schedules, operations of the day to day and fitness classes. All with very little training before I jump into the deep end alone.

Originally I thought "this is it! I know what I want" yet now as the day grows closer and the hours tick away, I find myself wondering "do I want the easier job"? Honestly, I don't want to make the decision, I want it to be made for me. I don't want to look back and think 'damn, if only'. A lot of people have gone to bat for me at both jobs so one way or another I feel I might disappoint on top of everything else and that's never fun. The support has been incredible but so much support can be overwhelming if something doesn't workout.

Whatever the outcome I'll have an offer and I'll be starting something new very very soon. Which is good and so needed. Le Husband and I need some good news and something to boost our collective self esteem. Working part time and making peanuts is hard, so much harder than I expected. Putting paperwork together to apply to apartments or townhomes is not only tedious and frustrating, at this juncture it's almost a bit embarrassing. Looking at our collective take home punches me in the gut every time we crunch numbers. On paper we look like completely different people. No one seems to care about our savings, our investments or our available cashflow, all they want is 'what are you bringing in now' and right now that's close to nothing.

 I don't really know the point of this post. Well, actually I do. I just need to get the words out. Words I can just vomit here and not worry about how they are taken. Words I don't need to bog down my friends and family with daily. Words that once said sometimes seem to lose their power. These words and fears are out and now hopefully I can start finding the blessings again. This move was our choice and I'm clinging to hope things start to turn around...again.

*comments turned off*

A {Body} Pumped Up Weekend Of Fullness

Morning and happy Mond…errr, Tuesday, friends. This week marks the second week I couldn't get my Monday post together because the weekend was the lead car on the busy train. Thank you all for your good thoughts/wishes, I am happy to report I passed the BODYPUMP instructor training I attended all weekend and am super stoked for the next steps. I plan to do a full post on my training, for those interested, but will touch on it for my weekend records today.

Friday night I left work, quickly prepped food for the weekend and then headed to a family friend's home for a fun retirement dinner. They live on the same street as my parents and are moving next month so while it was a celebration it was still sad to know they won't be here later this year. We all enjoyed their food and watching the US women rock it in their quarterfinal game. #USA!

When we got home I was allll ready to head to bed, but then I remembered my college was going to be on the Food Network for Diner Revival. It highlighted a famous dinner in Farmville and I was so excited to see it get a lil spruce up because of some amazing students. I was live tweeting the show and Ty Pennington favorited one of my tweets, woot woot! After the episode I hit the hay and tried to get some sleep before my big weekend. 

I was up super early Saturday morning, to head out west for my training. It was pouring in the morning and I was a bit stressed about being late, but luckily enough people stayed home that I could fly on the roads. I arrived in plenty of time, found a corner, started listening to my music and then BOOM it was time to start the training. I really enjoyed the master class we took and it was awesome starting the morning with such a great workout. We learned more about the class, did our presentations [oh em gee, so scary] and really broke down the movements so we could learn how to teach them better. There was a lot more in the day, but I'll touch on that in another post. I will say, I was pretty tired Saturday afternoon, but my day wasn't done after training. 

I was so thankful we were let out of training early because it gave me extra time to scream home, SHOWER and get ready for a retirement cruise. My original plan was a wet wipe shower at the gym and changing in the car, so I was super stoked to actually get clean and smell good. I chose one of my favorite maxi dresses and a ballerina bun for my quick turn around and was quite happy with my appearance. We boarded a ship in Old Town and then went on a lovely three hour tour of DC. There were yummy drinks and delicious food [thank goodness, because I was starving] and wonderful company. It rained for a good portion of the cruise but we didn't let it get us down, we just embraced it and enjoyed dancing in the rain…literally. #nodebbiedownershere

Man I just love him :)!

The cruise ended around 10pm and after we got home I still had some BODYPUMP homework to get done. I managed to get into bed before midnight and was up bright and early again on Sunday. Everyone was a bit sore from all of our working out on Saturday but we hit three more workouts Sunday, including the fun BODYPUMP challenge. I believe we hit 6,000+ reps all weekend but everyone rocked it like champs. I was extremely nervous about my last presentation but felt good after it was over and was ECSTATIC when I received my 3/3 rating. This was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone and I was extremely worried I wasn't the right person for the job. #teamfitnessisawesome #soexcitednow

Part of my success came from my awesome group. All of the ladies in group four were amazing and we really cheered each other on throughout each assessment. I really liked our instructors too because they had great personalities and were extremely knowledgeable. Their critics were always helpful and they really wanted everyone to succeed. It was very long and tiring weekend, but the instructors and members made it a wonderful experience.

I have to give a MAJOR shout out to the fabulous Nikki of 'From My Life to OUR Life'. Homegirl was the FIRST person I told about wanting to MAYBE try BODYPUMP instructor training and she answered with the biggest YOU CAN DO IT!!! She cheered me on to talk to my instructors, helped me figure out the portal and really pushed me to try something outside my comfort zone. Not to mention she answered EVERY SINGLE ONE of my gobzillion questions and helped quell some of my fears. THANK YOU SO MUCH, NIKKI!!!! And thanks to all of my blog friends that cheered me on behind the scenes when I wasn't ready to put it here on the blog, y'all are the best!

I was on cloud nine after passing so I stopped by Starbucks for quick pick me up and of course, some extra napkins for my car! #napkinhoarder #dontcare #ownityall #lovemycoldpresscoffee

My life wouldn't be my life it I wasn't rushing back from BODYPUMP training to attend some family event. Mama B turns 60 this December 26th, crazy, and decided that this year she wanted a birthday party in the summer, since everyone is always busy with the holidays around her special day. So, we threw her a half birthday party at the pool and it was a wonderful Sunday evening. There were about 40 people in attendance and we served homemade pulled chicken, baked beans, macaroni and cheese [evil cheese tried to choke me out, so scary], coleslaw, broccoli slaw and of course birthday cake. 

Because a party without a cake is just a meeting!

The weather was perfect, the people were fun and the drinks were flowing [cheers to passing] so it was easy to perk up for the party. Mama B had a wonderful time and we all enjoyed celebrating her in the summer. Lady looks good for her age, hopefully I get to keep her genes when I grow old. 

I couldn't help making fun of her, though. She couldn't find her glasses and phone so I put them on and pretended to be her. Babyspice captured this hilarious picture and holy cow, do we look alike. 

Once everyone left, we broke down the party, took things home, cleaned up and then I headed back to the apartment to rest. I thought about writing this post when I was laying on the couch trying to recover but my arms just weren't functioning, haha. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow and made the exactutive decision to sleep in a lil on Monday morning [cheers to a boss being on vacation].

ERRRMAGGEEEER was I sore on Monday. My calves and shoulders were on FIYAAAAH and my body was just tired. Luckily I was able to come home early and I grabbed a quick nap before Le Husband got home. My evening consisted of dinner, blogs and early bedtime and it was fabulous.

Thanks again for all the warm wishes and support, y'all are just the bestestestest < 3!!!!!

Mariachi, Margaritas and the Macarena Make it Better

Hello, ladies! How are y'all today? I hope everyone had a great weekend and start to the week. Thanks for all the love yesterday, I really appreciate your sweet comments and thoughts. This weekend was a tough one athletically and and a bit of downer due to both losses. I know it's not the end of the world or even that serious but I don't know anyone that likes to lose so I had to work through that yesterday.

Saturday started off really well with our coed team but we completely stalled in the afternoon and our day was cut super short due to our lack of discipline. It was frustrating to say the least, especially after everything we dealt with last year. The fact we lost to a team that was not better than us was another hard pill to swallow. I was in a pretty sulky mood and really didn't want to do anything when we got back home. Luckily, it just too a few things to get me out of my funk.

Like homemade pizza and a glass of wine, which we enjoyed while watching Spy Game. Can you believe that Le Husband had never seen it? And would you believe that it's one of my favorite movies? If you haven't seen it yet [how could you not?] I suggest you rent it next movie night, it's a great suspense/thriller and a super fun espionage look at the CIA.

We heard from other people still playing that the finals ended up getting canceled due to tornado [!!!] and severe thunderstorm warnings. We had one of the biggest and loudest thunderstorms I've ever heard but luckily we didn't lose power. The tournament ended up having co-champions because the weather stayed bad into the late evening. #guessitwasntsobadtoloseearly

During the break between storms, I convinced Le Husband that we needed Menchies and being the amazing man he is to me he obliged and drove us up the street in the rain. Luckily it wasn't too bad when we got there and we enjoyed a delicious cup of goodness while watching the rain out the window. On our way back we got caught in a pretty heavy downpour and had to book it into our apartment. I laughed the whole way because it was such silly fun. 

Sunday morning started a bit later then Saturday but it still felt bright and early. Our women's team started the day a lil slow, but managed to pull off three wins in our pool, making us the #2 seed overall. We had to go through some tough competition in the elimination round [including last year's champs that beat us in the 2014 finals] and after some hard work we found ourselves in the finals once again.

We were all confident [not cocky] about our play because things had been going pretty well for us [minus a few drops which hurt every time] and it felt like we had all the pieces to finish the day up with a win. Well, that just wasn't to be and it sucked, big time. We were winning and then a great kick and a dropped ball had us losing by three which really hurt. Our team managed to rally late and got within one run and guess who was up to bat with the bases loaded and two outs??!? Yup, yours truly.

I wish I could say I had an amazing kick that won the game, but I can't. I connected well and picked a great spot for the ball to land but the other team made a good play and we ended up losing by one. It sucked. A lot. I've never been the last out before and it's a feeling I hope I never have to experience again. I know it wasn't just on me, but I wanted more than anything to be great and pull through for my team, however all I could manage was a good kick. Blah, barf, poopy pants, ugh.

Luckily I didn't have too long to stew, because we took Daddy out for Father's day to our favorite Mexican spot. Mama B and Daddy came and watched our semifinal and final [ugh, dagger] and then we whisked him away for a Father's day dinner.

We are so lucky to have such a chill Daddy, he's just the best. He lets us go about our lives and just goes with the flow and is there to help when we need him. I can't imagine life without him and am so grateful for everything he's done for us. 

With everything that happened that day it was definitely margarita time and we all ordered different ones to cheers Daddy. The chips and guac were on point and the nachos and baja tacos were amazing. Compeltely the atmosphere and food to get everyone into good spirits. 

Oh and did I mention it was Mariachi Sunday?!?! Yeah it was and the music was so much fun to listen to while we were eating and just hanging out waiting for the food. The sissys sent out quite a few snap chats with the band in the background. 

The table next to us requested the Macarena and you better believe our table was dancing a long the entire time. Well, not Le Husband. He was quite happy filming behind the camera phone ;)! And yes, there were other tables dancing along, it was just the Brady Bunch. 

This weekend had quite a bit of suck in it, but each night more than made up for the awful outcomes on the athletic fields. Ya win some and you lose some but when you get perspective you realize that life is good and margaritas make it all better :)!

linking up here

2015 Goal Check In

Morning, ladies. Can you believe it's June? I mean I know it's the second week in the month, but goodness the year is half way over and that's crazy sauce in my opinion. Since we are  halfway to the end of 2015, I thought it would be a good time to check progress on my 2015 goals [original post found here].

Fitness goal [will share this once I figure it out.] It took me until the end of January but I  figured out my fitness goals. My first one is pretty simple, get shredded! Okay, not quite that simple, but I am trying to get my body into the best shape ever. I'm not just trying to be thin, I'm trying to be strong, cut, and fit enough to hold my own in different athletic competitions. I'm also trying to get abs like my sissys and while it's proving to be a lot of work [in the kitchen, thank you Whole30] I'm starting to see progress. Not close to where I want to be, but I'll take the definition without the cardio. Which brings me to my second goal, a race and a certain time and that's all I'm going to share. I promise I'll let you all know when it happens, but right now I'm still just keeping it to myself. My strength training for the race has been pretty on point, but I need to up my racing mileage for sure. Time to start pounding the pavement!

I went back and forth sharing these pictures here because I didn't want to look narcissistic or have people that love to stir the pot leave a snarky response. But, I've worked hard for this accomplishment and want to have it on my blog as something to compare to later on in the year. #judgeyjudiesbegone

Simplify [in life and in our home.] I have a lot of stuff [don't we all] and a lot of it I really don't need. I usually do a big giveaway bag during my seasonal clothing switch over, but now I'm making a donation bag at least once a month. Sometimes I'm forced to give away things because they don't fit [darn those muscle legs/arms] and other times I realize I'm just holding onto something for a sentimental reason not because I would wear/use it. I am quite happy with my progress of 'letting go' things and am working more and more on 'letting go' thoughts in my brain and things in my life that don't't make me happy. Simplifying is still a work in progress, but so far I'm happy with my results.

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Four Learning Books [I love to read for fun, but want to LEARN this year.] Well, I'm one for four on this goal and it might be a reach. I read the book "The Boys in the Boat" last month and it was a nonfiction read but it didn't teach me to do anything. However, it was an incredibly interesting and informative read and I learned a lot about how Hitler used the 1936 Olympics to further Nazi propaganda and further pull the wool over the Western countries eyes. I also learned how tough and ingenious many of the young men of that generation were and how they went from nothing to Olympic gold medalist. I need to add three more learning books to my list, does anyone have a suggestion?

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One new big girl recipe [my recipe repertoire needs to be pumped up.] I have had my heart set on making Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon for years, but have yet to actually pull the trigger in the kitchen. Le Husband actually bought her "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" and it's just sitting on our kitchen shelf staring at me every day right now. I mentioned to him earlier in the year I wanted to get better at French cooking to which he responded "You can't cook French and be a dorito", which is so true [we call leaning up and having broad shoulders and a thin waist a 'dorito shape]. I realize that trying to keep in shape does not make it easy to master a French recipe, but because this a goal I plan to pick a weekend and cook the heck out of some French food.Who wants to be a taste tester?!?!

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Grace [for myself and for others.] Oh, grace, grace, grace, you're proving to be a bit of a challenge for me. When I don't lift well or lose some flexibility I still beat myself up in my head. I need to remember that I'm not perfect and that I'm no longer in my college body so things won't always be as easy as they were in the past. Learning new things has also caused me some frustration and I need to remember I can't be a rock star at everything in the beginning. Grace for others has been hard too, but I'm trying to be more intentional in granting grace. There have been a few times I've stayed calm where I'd normally freak out in traffic, due to some doofus, which I am proud of, but I still need work more on granting grace on a consistent basis. This goal is gonna take a lot of internal work, so it's time to buckle up and work.

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DO [Do more! Do less! Do yoga! Do that race! Do take that challenge!] So far this one has been pretty easy for me. I've been much more intentional of saying YES to things and no to others. Yes, let's go hiking on a whim. Yes, let's plan a vacation in three weeks. Yes, let's buy bikes and start cross training. Yes, let's sign up for that race. Yes, let's stay in bed and sleep all Saturday. Yes, let's try a new recipe. Yes, let's do another Whole30. Doing things this year has been fun and I'm really happy I chose this goal for 2015.

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How are your 2015 goals? Have you made progress? Have you fallen behind? What are you working on this year?

Linking up with *megan* *kristin* and *annie* 

I'm Afraid to Tell You

As bloggers we for the most parts are open books. Sure, 90% of the time we only share the rosy here but no one wants to read the mundane blahs everyday. However, I know I keep things from y'all because even though we have a friendship through reading we don't 'know' each other for the most part. There are things we all hide, that we are afraid to share and put down on paper or computer. But today, I'm doing something scary and telling what I've always been afraid to share here.

I'm afraid to tell you...

I'm a huge grudge holder.You cross me once, I'll forgive you but I won't forget your action. And I might make you pay for it down the road, way after the fact. Is it nice, nope, but after being a constant forgiver growing up I realized I don't like being walked all over so I'll make you pay. I'm even worse at holding grudges for my family and friends. Yes, you read that right, FOR my family and friends. If you hurt them, I'm the first one to mention cutting the bad and moving on with life.  

I suck at math. Like am really bad at it suck. Like have to use a calculator all the time suck. Like adding annoys me suck. I used to be good at math growing up, but a 7th grade math teacher really took the joy out of it so I stopped paying attention and now I'm here sucking at math. I have a free math practice app on my phone because I want to get better.

I have no problem cutting people out of my life if they aren't worth my time. Life is too short, I don't need drama about Facebook or blog posts and I certainly don't need constant negativity cluttering up my joy. Peace out, cub scout.

That I cheat on my healthy lifestyle more than I admit here. No one's perfect, and I don't think anyone expects me to be perfect in my eating habits. But, sometimes I don't want to share the bad food I eat because I try to be an example of clean eating. I'm sure no one here cares, but sometimes I don't post food because it's not healthy at all.

Manipulation is something that comes easy to me. I like to get my way and will try and make it happen whenever I can. When I was younger I was much more ruthless, but even though I'm not as bad now I still manipulate people to get what I want. I know when to turn on the charm, when to go cold, when to not include people and when to just act like nothing is wrong. Clearly this isn't nice or a good habit, but it's something I revert to when I don't like a certain course of action that is taking place.

I occasionally read GOMI. I know I shouldn't because most of the comments are way too mean, but sometimes I go there to make sure I'm not the only one seeing crazy things with big time bloggers. I don't participate in the snark, but I'll still read the threads.

The Hunger Games series has always seemed disturbing to me so I won't read it or watch the movies. I know, call me crazy but I have never been on the HG bandwagon. Babyspice read the books when they first came out and tried to get me on the train but when she told me the premise I almost threw up. I understand Katniss is a great role model for young girls, [especially compared Bella of Twilight] but, the thought of kids killing kids makes me literally sick to my stomach.

I think I'm on the verge of losing one of my best friends and am not fighting for the friendship anymore. It's become more and more obvious that we are two different people on two different paths and while that normally would make me sad, now I see it's just life. [this was a hard one to share because I know there are those out there that would judge this decision. Or use the word karma as a way to wish bad things on others. #yourenobetter]

Nine times out of ten I'll choose a Disney repeat over a new just released movie. Total child at heart here. I like watching happy Disney movies because I know what happens and can sing/talk along with my favorite parts. When I watch a new movie I never know how I'll feel about it and I hate being scary surprised. Plus, I own many Disney movies so I don't have to pay for them like I do for current movies.

I can be a silent judger. I'll listen and smile to your face but I'll internally make my own judgements. Sometimes it's just as small as thinking "this is totally going to backfire, but I'll let you figure it out on your own" or "Interesting you're commenting on blogs at 6am when you're on vacation on an island, what are you trying to prove?". And then there are the big judgements I make in my head and keep to myself because I know my opinion isn't going to be received well.

My political affiliation. I don't pay attention to politics enough to keep up with new legislation or the ever changing social political scene, so I don't like to engage in political debates.. I've always associated with a certain party, but it's not something I want to talk about. I'm proud of what I believe, but I don't feel like defending why I believe what I believe.

I wore a 00 until four years ago. So yes, I know I'm tiny and petite but I'm no longer a size 00 and that size jump has taken a toll on my self confidence. I get mad when people don't understand that going up from a 00 to a 2/4 is just as tough as going from a 6 to 8/10. Sure I'm smaller than many women but adding on an extra 5/10 pounds is just as noticeable if not more on my frame. When people find out HOW small I used to be they often don't feel that I can relate to them which baffles/frustrates me to no end.

What are some things you're afraid to tell people or blog about?

linking up with melissa

Icky-Icky Phew-Phew

That was my week last week. For rizzle dizzle it was a hell of a drag shizzle. And it was a week I didn't seem coming, if that makes sense. I was coming off a great weekend with my BOFF and didn't have anything crazy planned during the week. Figured I'd be a lil tired Monday but then hit the week running, like normal.

But then the extra delay happened. That changed my 11pm arrival home to a 135am arrival to an airport and then an hour drive home for a 230am arrival to my bed. I was lucky enough that my boss allowed me to work from home, but I realized that I had indeed lost my kindle on my trip. No idea where because I didn't use it the entire trip, which is baffling to me.

Alright, losing something stinks, but that's not a huge deal. Then came two work days full of crazy ish because of a downstream team. Meaning stuff wasn't getting done the way it should be but there wasn't anything I could do about it, which is uber frustrating, right? That coupled with some not good sleep nights which made me cranky so I started picking at those closet to me which is NOT the way it's suppose to be but we all know it happens.

I tried to pull myself out of it, with funny blog posts, treats after dinners and I skipped every morning workout to try and recharge. But, it seems as last week was my quick sand week. As soon as I started to move I dealt with a really bad soccer game where I was part of the play where the other team scored. Are there more important things is in life than coed soccer games, HECK YES! But, it's never fun being that person especially when you're just a sub.

So we finally made it to Friday and I was one day away from the weekend and the straw broke the camel's back. Someone stole my cleats, my brand new cleats at the sportsplex. I was livid and soooo upset because I'm not normally the lose it kind of girl, but a kindle and cleats in one week, yeah not cool. I lost it when I got home and just cried in the shower. I knew it was silly to be so upset, but it just felt like one thing after another after another and I just could get out of the quicksand that was my week. I crashed out in bed and slept for almost ten hours which was awesome.

Saturday finally brought back the sunshine thanks to some gorgeous weather and a wonderful date night with my husband. It was an impromptu night out and full of delicious food and that really helped put me back into my normal pink mindset.

We took a fun walk after dinner to B&N and I found some fun books. Does anyone remember Little Women? One of my all-time favorite books growing up. I'm adding the other two to my reading list.

Sunday was another great day that helped pull me back to normal, part of it stemmed from the twelve hours of sleep I accrued which was glorious. It is amazing how much more human I feel after a lot of sleep [mamas out there I applaud you… I don't know how you do it, muah]. I also was able to get to Dick's Sporting goods and found some new indoor cleats in time for my game on Sunday night.

Originally I was just going to post about my weekend and not acknowledge the disaster that was last week. Because, honestly, who wants to read about the drama in my life? Especially when it wasn't anything major nor was anything significantly wrong. But, that just felt off to me. And, I honestly had no desire to try and craft a happy post on Sunday. I wanted to just enjoy the day and sleep after my soccer game. So, this is me. Real and raw and today just a bit dramafied.

Before you go, happy Cinco de Mayo! Le Husband and I celebrated on Sunday at our favorite Mexican restaurant with a fabulous mariachi band. Truly a great ending to a not so great week. I still think I'll have a margarita tonight, who's with me?!? I hope you have a great day.

When Life Annoys the BEEP Outta You {Part Deux}

We've all been there right?! Life gets all up in your grill and decides to do whatever it can to knock you down. It starts as one small thing and then snowballs into two, three and then all of a sudden everything is annoying. And everything anyone does is about to drive us over the edge of insanity.[btw, I'm talking small annoyances, not big life changing events. Two completely different beasts].

I wrote a post about it last year and thought after the days I've had recently I needed to bring back the crazy for your entertainment. Because that's what we do in blog land, we turn our current situations into gif filled posts #freetherapy #funnywithfriends.

I confess when I have a bad day...

Usually it starts because I didn't get enough sleep so I'm facing the morning and day looking like this.

I want to drop kick the idiots that keep asking me stupid questions I've already answered. #payattention

I mentally picture doing this to everyone around me that doesn't do what I want.

 

I throw major silent shade to everyone. #imannoyedleavemealone

Talking to anyone is a huge ordeal and something I avoid like the plague.

My walk away because I'm annoyed prance becomes even more dramatic.

Even the slightest criticism turns me into a mush-ball of emotions. #judgementalsadannoyedimeverything

Now, we can't stay in a funk forever, because that's no good for anyone. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, a random compliment [thankyouchipotleworker] or a day to get out of the funk, but one way or another you gotta get yourself back to happy. Here are a few things I'll do to get back to normal.

When life makes me grumpy...

I grab a glass....or two of my favorite drink.

I pretend I'm a fashion model and sashay down my hallway in my favorite dress. Because, hello, fun!

I try to get in a quick workout to get the endorphins flowing. It doesn't have to be tough, just a lil summin' summin'.

I throw healthy eating to the wind and indulge in a delicious egg sandwich with a side of Smores pop-tart. #holla

What do you do when life annoys the beep out of you? How do you get back on the straight and narrow?  

*all gifs found here*  linking up with melissa