What You Don't See

Mount Denali circa 2014 [a view rarely seen by visitors because of weather]

Hello! Stop whatever you're doing [yes, even reading my blog] and go read THIS piece by my girl, Alyssa [I'll wait]. Done, so good right? Oh, I guess I better clarify, she's not MY girl, but she's someone who tells it like it is and has a fantastic way of inspiring me with her writing. Not only is it 100% grammatically correct - something I'm working on - {Did I even do that right?} her words seem to flow together so easily and all of a sudden I've read six blog posts in a snap. Talent my friends, talent.

Her most recent post broke down something I've had simmering in my head. There are many posts I've read recently and wondered 'what is really going on' or 'is that the real truth?' because it just felt too perfect. Too crafted. Too too, if you will. And then I wondered, 'what do people think about my blog'? Granted, this blog has been neglected and changed a lot in the past year due to life, but back when I was blogging more and sharing more with y'all did it seem authentic? Also, where is the balance in what you share and what you don't share? How much is too much? How much makes someone say 'you know it's out there forever right'? I like to think I keep a good line between real life and not too much. I plan to keep things the same going forward, but today I'm sharing a little bit more than normal. The things you don't see when you read here. The things normally kept just for me in real life.

|| the frustrated moments when i'm a complete mess, crying through my fears and my husband just looks at me. this makes me even madder because all i want is female support but, duh, he's not a female.

|| coinciding with the above, you rarely read about our fights/stresses because i'm one who keeps that off the blog. doesn't mean it doesn't happen, i just choose not to share it. we've had more than normal this year and they have been doozies to say the least. those tough moments of being ugly i keep to myself for the most part.

|| how unhappy i am where my work life has landed. yes, that makes me sound ungrateful so i don't share much here. where i was before was so much worse, so much harder and so much stress but here, now. this place is so unfulfilling and so backwards from where i was in virgina.

|| the tons of pictures i take for fitness stuff and never post. i want so badly to venture into the online fitness world, into a new blog all about fitness and an instagram account for people to use as inspiration. but, i get scared and don't share anything because really, with everything already out there where and how would i stand out?

|| how badly i procrastinate. i'm one of the worst out there, trust me. i wait until the last minute and am one of those who end up paying penalties because things are late. not all the time, but still, often enough. i book flights late. i wait to study or learn things late. i put off asking the hard questions and 90% of the time laziness is the main culprit.

|| our messy, dysfunctional house. we've lived here six months plus and still have things helter skelter. one room, our only other bedroom, is a disaster catch all for the things we don't have a place for yet. i know many a friend who moved with children and had their home settled in two weeks. us? yeah, we just can't seem to get it all together at once.

|| the research I've started to find a therapist. wow. i said it. here. the move away and the stress of everything the past year has brought to life some anxiety and depression i had no idea i held inside. part of my doesn't share this because, my business, but the other part doesn't share because i feel a judgement for being over dramatic.

|| how much i stress and worry about being a good instructor. and how much drama the instructor world holds. it is more work than anyone realizes and it can be tough when people get nasty.

|| the small quiet moments of love and joy. i used to try and share them, with a quick picture and note, but that seemed to taint the moment. now i just enjoy them. with le husband, with friends, with family or just on my own. living my moments means not sharing them here all the time.