June 20, 2017

What You Don't See

Mount Denali circa 2014 [a view rarely seen by visitors because of weather]

Hello! Stop whatever you're doing [yes, even reading my blog] and go read THIS piece by my girl, Alyssa [I'll wait]. Done, so good right? Oh, I guess I better clarify, she's not MY girl, but she's someone who tells it like it is and has a fantastic way of inspiring me with her writing. Not only is it 100% grammatically correct - something I'm working on - {Did I even do that right?} her words seem to flow together so easily and all of a sudden I've read six blog posts in a snap. Talent my friends, talent.

Her most recent post broke down something I've had simmering in my head. There are many posts I've read recently and wondered 'what is really going on' or 'is that the real truth?' because it just felt too perfect. Too crafted. Too too, if you will. And then I wondered, 'what do people think about my blog'? Granted, this blog has been neglected and changed a lot in the past year due to life, but back when I was blogging more and sharing more with y'all did it seem authentic? Also, where is the balance in what you share and what you don't share? How much is too much? How much makes someone say 'you know it's out there forever right'? I like to think I keep a good line between real life and not too much. I plan to keep things the same going forward, but today I'm sharing a little bit more than normal. The things you don't see when you read here. The things normally kept just for me in real life.

|| the frustrated moments when i'm a complete mess, crying through my fears and my husband just looks at me. this makes me even madder because all i want is female support but, duh, he's not a female.

|| coinciding with the above, you rarely read about our fights/stresses because i'm one who keeps that off the blog. doesn't mean it doesn't happen, i just choose not to share it. we've had more than normal this year and they have been doozies to say the least. those tough moments of being ugly i keep to myself for the most part.

|| how unhappy i am where my work life has landed. yes, that makes me sound ungrateful so i don't share much here. where i was before was so much worse, so much harder and so much stress but here, now. this place is so unfulfilling and so backwards from where i was in virgina.

|| the tons of pictures i take for fitness stuff and never post. i want so badly to venture into the online fitness world, into a new blog all about fitness and an instagram account for people to use as inspiration. but, i get scared and don't share anything because really, with everything already out there where and how would i stand out?

|| how badly i procrastinate. i'm one of the worst out there, trust me. i wait until the last minute and am one of those who end up paying penalties because things are late. not all the time, but still, often enough. i book flights late. i wait to study or learn things late. i put off asking the hard questions and 90% of the time laziness is the main culprit.

|| our messy, dysfunctional house. we've lived here six months plus and still have things helter skelter. one room, our only other bedroom, is a disaster catch all for the things we don't have a place for yet. i know many a friend who moved with children and had their home settled in two weeks. us? yeah, we just can't seem to get it all together at once.

|| the research I've started to find a therapist. wow. i said it. here. the move away and the stress of everything the past year has brought to life some anxiety and depression i had no idea i held inside. part of my doesn't share this because, my business, but the other part doesn't share because i feel a judgement for being over dramatic.

|| how much i stress and worry about being a good instructor. and how much drama the instructor world holds. it is more work than anyone realizes and it can be tough when people get nasty.

|| the small quiet moments of love and joy. i used to try and share them, with a quick picture and note, but that seemed to taint the moment. now i just enjoy them. with le husband, with friends, with family or just on my own. living my moments means not sharing them here all the time.


  1. OK first of all, omg, you are far too sweet and thank you for the kind words!
    I'm so glad you wrote this post. It's really brave and freeing to every once in a while pull back the curtain and just get a little realer than usual. I *totally* hear you about wanting that female support. Since moving to NYC to live with David, I haven't made any female friends near me. I still connect with my friends in NJ, but it's not the same as it was to be able to just get together and drink about something, ya know? I so relate.
    Also, GOOD FOR YOU for seeking out a therapist. Don't let anyone make you think your problems aren't worthy of help if that's what you've determined you need. It's not dramatic, it's smart and healthy and the right thing to do, if that's what feels right to you. Good luck, friend!

  2. 1. I love your fitness posts and photos. I would totally follow you for inspiration.
    2. Yay for getting help and support. I'm still avoiding that (because as you said... ALL THE RESEARCH). You've got to take care of you.
    3. I book flights late, too. And I should book refundable, but I don't.
    4. My house is NEVER put together. We do it about 10 minutes before anyone comes together. It annoys me, but it's not annoying enough that I want to spend my downtime on it.
    5. I love you. That is all.

  3. Loved this post and am so proud of you for putting the hard things out there! I certainly have my fair share of stuff going on too, it's just so hard to know where the line is with sharing when it comes to family. But trust me, you aren't alone. This year has been challenging for me, becoming a mom has been the best thing and THE hardest thing I have ever done. It's changed everything about my life- relationships with friends, family and even Nick, how I spend my time, my body and even my mind, I think I've suffered from a bit more than the baby blues and could probably benefit from talking to someone as well. Sorry for the worlds longest comment, but this post definitely made me think. LOVE YOU!

  4. I'm so glad you shared this and that you linked to Alyssa's post too. Both beautifully written. I've been struggling a lot in the past year, getting caught up in the comparison game and just having my whole world rocked by becoming a mom. It's been incredible, but it's been incredibly lonely many, many times. I Could ramble on forever but just know I think you are amazing!

  5. I think you would stand out. You ARE real. Never once have I read your blog, even the happiest of the happy posts & thought "well this just can't be real, she's hiding something." You're authentic & people appreciate that. There are plenty of blogs that I used to read that I gave up on because you can tell when they stopped being genuine.

    I understand the not wanting to share about getting a therapist. I have never actually gone through with going, but I have looked many times in the past, & up until right now I never even mentioned to anyone else that I was considering it. I know lots of people go nowadays but I agree that it does sometimes feel like you'd be judged for doing so. Or that people will treat you extra sensitively.

    I love this post girl. Back when Alyssa wrote hers I started a draft to do my own but haven't actually sat down to write it out yet. I'll make sure to link back to you as well in mine.

  6. Sending you all the hugs and prayers beautiful friend. Making such a big move is definitely rough, I'd say it took a good 18 months for me to truly feel at home and settle into a great routine, job, group of friends, etc... Hang in there, you've got this! And as for your fitness posts, I'd LOVE to see more. You truly are an inspiration <3

  7. I used think therapy was a crock .... until I went to therapy and IT SAVED MY LIFE. i'm not even joking about that. People automatically think that just because one goes to therapy, they have little control over their feelings/emotions when in fact, it's the opposite - you are TAKING control of your life by working things out so that you can be a better person. I have learned to never be ashamed of the steps you take to become that better version of yourself.

  8. oh girl yes. it's a fine line with "what do i post that people aren't just rolling their eyes at" but you wanna be real at the same time. i say if doing a fitness blog and insta is what your passion is - you'll find a way to make that fulfilling (whenever you're ready) bc of the passion. nothing else matters but what you want it to be :)

    xoxo cheshire kat

  9. OH man, I feel you on this, especially that last one. It's so hard to not want to document everything that my kids do, to just really living in the moment. And no judgement here, you went through a huge life change, hugs friend!

  10. There is definitely a fine line when it comes to posting. I try to focus a lot on the positives but sometimes that's hard and I just need to get out the frustrations that I'm feeling. Thank you for this!

  11. Your blog has always seemed authentic to me! I feel like it's obvious when bloggers aren't. Many of my family & friends read my blog, so I always strive for authentic as well and like to think they keep me accountable. Sorry to hear you are dealing with anxiety and depression! That can sneak up on anyone. Hope you find some help with that soon. Thinking of you friend!

  12. I'm really glad that you shared this. I don't share those sad/difficult moments and issues online either, and not because my life is perfect, but because my blog is an outlet for me to write about things that make me happy. I also wouldn't walk out into the middle of a crowded mall and should about my problems so I feel weird doing that on my blog! But I think it's important to remember that everyone has lives and things that they keep private!

  13. Oh I love this post (and alyssa's)! I've been struggling with this idea a lot lately, but I think there's a difference between sharing the good things and putting on this mirage that everything in your life is perfect/staged. I always love how much you share because it's so REAL. You are not over dramatic for talking to someone about what you're feeling/going through.

  14. Isn't it so refreshing to share your heart sometimes? While I'm in a fairly content season right now, I do feel like the adversity and struggles always led me to grow so hopefully you will see some light shine soon. I found this verse this week and it really made me think hard.

    13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.


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