July 30, 2018

I Can Finally Breathe

Finally.

A happier post. A post with something good to share. Almost motivational, if you will.

My legs and lungs are finally taking a break and I no longer feel as though I am treading water in the middle of the ocean. I am swimming. Swimming towards a goal. Swimming towards dry land, which makes the tiredness just drift away.

After a month of feeling hopeless. Of not knowing WHAT TO DO. Of feeling like a failure. Compounded by eight months of a dream not coming to fruition, I've finally found space and air.

I
Can
Finally
Breathe.

I shared more of my story on my Instagram, with videos because it's so much easier to talk than write. But the crux of it is, I've found another job, hallejuah. One which is a guaranteed 40 hours a week, plus has the flexibility to allow me to train and teach, too.

This moment means so much because the feeling of failure was so great, but it also means I can allow my husband to breathe. He no longer has to hold up the household on his own. I will finally be able to contribute to the finances as I should. I am so grateful for his support and love. I'm so grateful for you all lifting me up. For reading my resumes and cover letters. Thank you for reading and for championing me at my lowest. I am always here for you if you need it.

Cheers to the new chapter.

July 19, 2018

Life Is SO FREAKING HARD {Oh How I Have FAILED}

How's that for a blogpost title? Cheery, right?

I have started and stopped this post too many times to count. Legit, ten times since last Tuesday.

Why, Tuesday you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Tuesday was when the bottom dropped out.

When the JOB I interviewed for and was awarded in FEBRUARY was pulled. The job I've been waiting MONTHS FOR A BACKGROUND CHECK was ripped away. Without anything more than a "budget cuts and lack of work".

Yeah.

Yeah.

Security I've been counting on for months is gone. A new, fresh start is gone. Supplementation for my training is gone. Being able to hold my head high because I'm ACTUALLY contributing to our bills, our retirement and our future is gone.

G
O
N
E

Gone.

Once again, the carpet has been has been pulled from under my feet and I'm laying on the floor dazed, trying desperately to understand WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! How are we now here? We had it figured out. I did the work. I got the other job. I have security. Y'all we were so happy. SO SO SO happy and good. Life was on point. Jobs for both of us. Me still training and pursuing a dream. We are even trying for kids. So damn H A P P Y. And then...this.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried the past nine days. How many moments I've spent SOBBING trying to figure out the why. I've cried to Le Husband more this week than I have in our marriage. And, dude has taken it like a champ. Normally not his forte but he has stepped up big time. He's dealt with me crying "why?" Dealt with the "what do I do now?" questions. He's quietly shouldered all the bills again. Marriage works that way, and I'm so grateful for him.

Training has been hard, I haven't been shy about that here. This job was supposed to help and now the lack of it just highlights EVERYTHING I COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH the past eight months. I've trained eight people. EIGHT. In eight months. Not good for the paycheck and not good for the ego. I've tried, but apparently tried all the wrong ways. I'm so so disappointed in myself and beyond embarrassed right now because I've honestly just flamed out big time. Something I've cried about quite a few times. Back in the day I was all 'it's okay if you fail. the important thing is to try' and now I have to eat my words. Failing is awful. It sucks. It hurts. It is the worst thing for your ego and I frankly don't really know what my calling/purpose is right now.

Oh, speaking of bruising the ego, have you tried looking for a job recently? Minus a bad health report or getting let go, I'm pretty sure looking for a job is one of the most miserable things on earth. So devastating when you don't have ENOUGH experience. Beyond frustrating when you have too much. Everyone wants the world and no one wants to take a chance on an unknown. It's who you know, not what you know. I've sent out so many resumes and been so discouraged in a week. If ANYONE IS GOOD AT RESUMES PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I feel beaten down. Again.

I am just so ready for a normal life. For a purpose. For a reason. For security. For money. I'm just ready to stop feeling like a failure. At the end of the day I want to find my worth again.