July 19, 2018

Life Is SO FREAKING HARD {Oh How I Have FAILED}

How's that for a blogpost title? Cheery, right?

I have started and stopped this post too many times to count. Legit, ten times since last Tuesday.

Why, Tuesday you ask? Oh, I'll tell you. Tuesday was when the bottom dropped out.

When the JOB I interviewed for and was awarded in FEBRUARY was pulled. The job I've been waiting MONTHS FOR A BACKGROUND CHECK was ripped away. Without anything more than a "budget cuts and lack of work".

Yeah.

Yeah.

Security I've been counting on for months is gone. A new, fresh start is gone. Supplementation for my training is gone. Being able to hold my head high because I'm ACTUALLY contributing to our bills, our retirement and our future is gone.

G
O
N
E

Gone.

Once again, the carpet has been has been pulled from under my feet and I'm laying on the floor dazed, trying desperately to understand WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! How are we now here? We had it figured out. I did the work. I got the other job. I have security. Y'all we were so happy. SO SO SO happy and good. Life was on point. Jobs for both of us. Me still training and pursuing a dream. We are even trying for kids. So damn H A P P Y. And then...this.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried the past nine days. How many moments I've spent SOBBING trying to figure out the why. I've cried to Le Husband more this week than I have in our marriage. And, dude has taken it like a champ. Normally not his forte but he has stepped up big time. He's dealt with me crying "why?" Dealt with the "what do I do now?" questions. He's quietly shouldered all the bills again. Marriage works that way, and I'm so grateful for him.

Training has been hard, I haven't been shy about that here. This job was supposed to help and now the lack of it just highlights EVERYTHING I COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH the past eight months. I've trained eight people. EIGHT. In eight months. Not good for the paycheck and not good for the ego. I've tried, but apparently tried all the wrong ways. I'm so so disappointed in myself and beyond embarrassed right now because I've honestly just flamed out big time. Something I've cried about quite a few times. Back in the day I was all 'it's okay if you fail. the important thing is to try' and now I have to eat my words. Failing is awful. It sucks. It hurts. It is the worst thing for your ego and I frankly don't really know what my calling/purpose is right now.

Oh, speaking of bruising the ego, have you tried looking for a job recently? Minus a bad health report or getting let go, I'm pretty sure looking for a job is one of the most miserable things on earth. So devastating when you don't have ENOUGH experience. Beyond frustrating when you have too much. Everyone wants the world and no one wants to take a chance on an unknown. It's who you know, not what you know. I've sent out so many resumes and been so discouraged in a week. If ANYONE IS GOOD AT RESUMES PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I feel beaten down. Again.

I am just so ready for a normal life. For a purpose. For a reason. For security. For money. I'm just ready to stop feeling like a failure. At the end of the day I want to find my worth again.

12 comments:

  1. ugh, that sucks; I'm sorry that happened. It takes a long time to build your brand and many people try and fail only to try and fail again...but they keep trying and one day it just clicks. So don't give up; keep pursuing the dream. If this is what you want, KEEP AT IT; never give up.

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  2. Here's the thing: YOU did not fail. The company failed you, especially since they've been stringing you along this entire time. That's on THEM, not YOU. I've been searching forever, too - you're right. It's tough out there. All we can do is keep trying, friend.

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  3. I am so sorry this happened to you! I had the same experience a few years ago and it made me realize how very luck and happy I am in my current company and job role. Just remember - it is always darkest before the dawn and THIS TOO SHALL PASS and you will get through it! How blessed you are that you have someone to take care of you and help pay bills while you get through this! Cry as much as you to - I truly believe it helps! Hugs!!!! Hang in there! Annster's Domain

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  4. Hang in there. Trust in His timing and His purpose for your life. Look in places you never thought to look. This is a trying and testing time and I know its so hard to see through all the bad, but there will be light again. I love you.

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  5. Oh girl I am so sorry! I'll be thinking about & praying for you!

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  6. I am so sorry this happened. Try not to take it all personally, although I know it is hard. They messed up, not you. It will all be okay in the end, it just has to be! Keep on rocking the training in the meantime and know you have so many people behind you cheering you on!

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  7. Just try & keep an outlook that that job was not meant for you & the one you are SUPPOSED To have is still headed your way. I get the frustration though. You had sights set & that's hard to let go of. hang in there. It'll work out & a year from now, you'll look back & be so glad of the position you are in. It'll work out - it just has to. God's got your back!!!! hang in there. Cry & scream for a bit - but then let the world see what an incredible addition you will make to a new position!!!!!

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  8. This is so hard and I am so sorry. You are stronger than this and God is in your corner so I know you will be okay. I'm going to text you later <3

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  9. This is really tough and I'm really sorry that this happened. I do not want you to give up. You can and WILL get through this hump. A lot of times what we see as failure is God working out something even better. Every time I've been at my worst (and I have many times) I got a big blessing. Keep the faith friend and I leave you with the words of Michael Jordan: "I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed." Bear hugs!

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  10. I am so sorry that this happened but you didn't fail! This was not your fault. Please don't give up! You are amazing! All of these trials and tribulations are making you so much stronger.

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  11. Girl, I am so sorry. I feel you - truly. I've been searching for a new job for 9 months now to no avail. I was flown out to Seattle for a job I didn't get. I've made it to the last round of interviews two more times and still didn't get it. The job market is awful. Truly. You're amazing for continuing to persist - even when you don't want to.

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