Decembers Past & Present

Nostalgia has hit me hard this month. I'm sure I'm not alone, as the holidays tend to remind us of the good/bad things in life, but this year I've found myself especially nostalgic. Of looking back at what was back in the day. And note, this isn't meant to be an upper or a downer. I've always strived to be real here. TO share the good and the bad and not hide behind 'a fake life'. To each their own, but that's not me. If you're having the best Christmas season ever, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! If this season is harder than ever, I'M HERE FOR YOU!

2010: My first Christmas knowing Le Husband. We didn't do Christmas with each other until we were married, but it was fun celebrating with my boyfriend at the time. We didn't do anything major together, but started small traditions while in DC.

short hair, wow!

2013: Our first married Christmas. We spent time the holiday together for the first time (with my family) and began our own family traditions. Setting up our tree, going to church together, waking up together on Christmas morning and not having to talk through a phone was the best thing ever.

He was sooooo annoyed I made him take this picture :)

2015: Our last Christmas living in DC. It was quite bittersweet as we hadn't told many people our decision to move and we celebrated a few lasts quietly. It was also a super fun Christmas because the next day we left for a Christmas cruise to celebrate Mama B's 60th birthday.

The FAMILY

2016: Our first Christmas in Tennessee. It was so tough, y'all. So stinking tough. The actual holiday was spent with Le Husband's family in Ohio and it was much shorter than normal due to my gym job. I was a complete mess because we were still living with my aunt & uncle and Le Husband and I were fighting all the time. We were so frustrated with our jobs, our lack of having our own place, our living on top of each other and my inability to sleep. I cried all the time and almost missed my sister's going away party because I didn't know HOW to get time off. I was so grateful a higher up in the company forced me to take the weekend off and I spent much of the eight hour drive to DC crying. Oh and we were trying to put in an offer on a house and it was miserable with all the paperwork. Thankfully it all worked out and before New Year's we set our closing date.

SISTERS!

2017: The year I expected everything to be better. The December that started out with so much promise. So much joy. So much expectation and ease. We were in our FIRST HOME. With our FIRST real tree and our first year of OUR OWN TRADITIONS. I was in a job I didn't love but it caused me NO stress (except taking time off) and allowed me to get my PT cert. I wasn't fullfilled but the money was fine and I as beginning to plan my goals in 2018. And then came the surprise announcement. The reorganization that rendered my position redundant. The unexpected after work meeting with my boss informing me I no longer had a job and even though I would be paid until the end of the year, I no longer needed to come to work. To the job that held my insurance. To the job that allowed me to dream of better. I was beyond devastated as Le Husband was out of town for work and I was meeting him Ohio for Christmas so I cried alone for multiple two nights until I could get myself to Ohio. My wonderful, bright and beautiful December as turned upside down and even though I enjoyed my extra long Christmas break it was hard not to feel like a failure and lose some joy.

Cheers to a healthy husband. 

2018: Here we are now. And friends, I wish it were a happy fabulous Christmas season. I really, really do. I'm so tired of having hard Christmas seasons. I'm so ready for the relaxation and ease I used to feel. Yes I count my blessings, but it's so hard right now. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Before July it was supposed to be a different job, with easier hours and less stress. But, nope again. I'm currently sitting here, mask on my face, Christmas cards just stamped, a movie on as I try to grasp the LAST LITLE BIT OF chill before I work 9 days straight. Because I can't get behind again. Because I can't not hit numbers this month. Because it could come down to me not having a job in the New Year. I have a post in the works about how hard my job has been for me and how I keep trying to find the GOOD or the reason for it, so I'll just say sales is hard and I really can't wait until maternity leave. Which is another thing. I should feel NOTHING but joy about this new phase of life. This sweet, precious baby [kicking me as I type] will be in my arms next year. I should be thinking of that, should be holding on to THIS feeling of just the two of us and dreaming of fun traditions next year. However, I'm barely making time for holiday fun. I'm worrying about numbers instead of the season and I'm desperately clinging to hope of it will all work out. On the outside I've put on a good face. I'm not crying. I'm not freaking out to friends/family. I'm not stressing Le Husband. But inside, I'm barely keeping it together. I was good for a bit, but then I realized it's crunch time. Even if I feel like crap I have to work because of the four days I'm taking off to be with my family. Which I can't wait for. We are so close to a wonderful family Christmas, I just need to get there. I just need to be present and let everything else go.