++++++This post is brought to you my over active brain. By some self loathing with a side of wallowing. If you're in a happy place, just skip, because I don't want to bring you down. Yet, this post has to happen. These words have to be said and out of my being before I explode. Feel free to X out this post and don't worry about commenting. This is for me and for my sanity!++++++
I HATE being average. When I say hate, I'm talking the Grinch "Hate, hate, hate, double hate, LOATHE ENTIRELY". Since I can remember I've been "good" not "great". Decent enough soccer player to be an NCAA athlete, but not great enough to do anything significant in the records. Smart enough student for good greats, but not straight A excelling. Fun, active and fit instructor, yet no where near the caliber to train/inspire others. Friend people enjoy getting to be around, but not the first call for an outing or the life of the party everyone wants to be around. Cute in my own way, but nothing show stopping or head turning.
This mediocrity crushes my soul when I realize how little I stand out. Is that egotistical? 100% yes, but I've never been one to say I don't have an ego. I want to be the best or at least in the top three. I've held stock there every so often, in different pieces of life, however it has never truly amounted to what I hoped.
Kickball this weekend just seemed to expose this frustrating feeling, nagging in the back of my head recently. In the past, no matter how hard I tried, practiced and spent time scheming, I was never in the top talk. I was in the GOOD players bracket, but not the great. It was frustrating, but I was in the top group on my team so that gave me some solace.
Flash forward to this past weekend, with my new team. I knew going in my playing time would be limited because the team was stacked with incredibly talented women, who also have been with the team for years. I was ONLY added on because they wanted Le Husband on the team. Which, in itself is a bit of a blow to the ego, but has kind of been the way of life since the beginning of our kickball coupledom. I honestly was just excited to be on the team, be back in the kickball realm and thrilled to be a part of a team that could win it all again.
We won on Saturday which was awesome. So, so, so awesome to win with new friends and Le Husband. But, it also was really hard because I honestly felt so insignificant in the scheme of the team. Not sure why I thought it would be easy for me to sit on the sidelines when I agreed to play since I'm so competitive. Hindsight I know it's because I wanted to play one more year and because Le Husband was doing it and I hate being left out of anything. So, while I enjoyed being there, winning with him and the team it was so much harder than anticipated.
Compounding this 'average' feeling is the fact my husband is a superstar freak of nature athlete. This isn't meant as a statement about any other husband/boyfriend out there, this is just plain fact. He is good at every athletic sport he plays and quickly becomes the team superstar almost every time. People love him because he is good, reliable and gets the job done in a quiet unassuming way 99.9% of the time [he's lost it a few times, but those are rare]. Away from the kickball field we both have our fortes and niches, however, every tournament I'm reminded how INCREDIBLE he is and how average I am. And yes, you're reading this paragraph correctly. I am jealous of my husband and YES I realize how stupid that sounds. Understand I'm 90% proud 10% jealous. Seeing him succeed makes me so happy and proud, I just sometimes wish I could be the one being awesome.
So now, what do I do? Stop playing so the evil green monster can't come out? Admit to myself average is what I am in the grand scheme of things? Truthfully, I'm not sure what I want to do right now. Sunday, after an even more deflating women's tournament I was *THIS* close to just quitting and walking away. I can't be bad at something I no longer participate in right? Then I thought more about it and how hard it was to get the starts to align so being on this team could happen so I'm keeping my mouth shut around people.
Please understand I recognize how lucky I am in life. I truly, truly, do. Babyspice pointed out that being good/decent in the things listed above is something many people will never know, which I understand and appreciate. Yet, there is little solace to me right now, because average is my enemy. Part of me thinks I need to refocus on WHAT I want and why I want it so I can find a plan of action for greatness. #notimeforaverage.