March 22, 2018

Thoughts On A Thursday: The Struggle is Real

S t r u g g l e. We all have it at one time or another. Some are better than others at hiding their struggle and pretending everything is okay. In the past I admit I judged those people. You know, the ones posting happy joyous things about their lives when you know FIRST HAND they are struggling with insecurities. The ones bragging about their husbands bringing them gifts back from long trips when you know they fought the entire time apart. Bloggers who post I'M DOING SO GREAT AND EVERYONE LOVES me posts to make them feel better when you are well aware they are beyond scared of being alone. People who only share the highlight reel, without EVER mentioning the tough, long hours it took to build their life. Yeah, those people...I judged them and I judged them HARD.

Which looking back was 1] SO NOT MY BUSINESS (even if I was invited to be part of the drama) 2] Not my place because I'd never walked a mile in their shoes. Interesting how quickly PERSPECTIVE changes when one experiences struggle upon struggle in their own life. Not saying I've never struggled before this move, because that is completely false. There was sickness, fear, job dramas, and fights that happened back in Virginia. However the struggle has been REAL the past two years. Real and serious. Real and HARD. Real and something I go back and forth on truly sharing.

I've mentioned my lack of wanting to share things here because of people in my past cheering against me. I know it happens and now I'm all like || WHATEVER || about it. They won't change because of me so why waste my thoughts and time on them? Also, I do my BEST to be 100% real and authentic here. Will I share every detail of my life? Nope, not how I roll. However, my goal with this blog is to chronicle my TRUE life and to be relatable if possible. So, you might have notice silence here and it was because I didn't know what to write since life has been such a struggle lately.

Work life. Wow, what can I say about work life I haven't already said? Personal training is so hard because people don't seem to value their health enough to invest in someone who knows what they are doing. People are willing to put money down for products upon things upon makeup but a personal trainer is a waste. So, people love my classes but won't put money down to actually change their lives. Which means peanuts coming in every two weeks. So few peanuts I've gone out and gotten a second job until my BIG GIRL job clearance comes through. Which means my days are filled teaching more classes than I expected and being pretty dunzo when I get home. Speaking of home....

Renovation life. Ugh. This whole process is so not my jam and doing everything ourselves means while things are CHEAPER everything takes so much longer than planned. The master bathroom is SO close to being done, so close. But still, it's not done. Tile is down, I can SHOWER at home with hot water and everything is painted which is all praise hands but it's still not done. Neither is the kitchen. And the constant chaos at home has pushed me to my limits. When my life is chaotic I NEED peace at home but there hasn't been peace and order since February. I've done my best to bit my lip, grin and bear it however I'm at my boiling point. Which leads to...

Marriage life. Anyone else think vows should include "In renovation and loss of jobs"? I mean, egad both are such strains on a marriage. I've always known marriage was work. I never grew up thinking things would be easy all the time, nor do I believe I needed someone to complete me. I love my husband and am beyond thankful he is my person for the rest of my life. However, sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands, run away to an island and live alone. Am I the only one here? Maybe, but hey, that's my truth right now. Le Husband and I are opposites which means we deal with things SO differently and when things are TOUGH we just want the other to GET IT OUR WAY. Wanna guess how many times that's happened? If you guessed zero, you get a prize. Navigating through 'love languages' and 'communication styles' isn't fun. Not something to get the blood pumping or bring back that loving feeling. It's work, it's tiring, it's boring yet it's so needed. And we are working on it, so we can be better for each other and for our life down the road.

Why am I sharing this now? To let you know I'm okay. To let you know if you're struggling you are okay. To share something that might help someone else who is dealing with the ughs. What have the past two months taught me? There truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Because through it all I'm grateful. Grateful for a home, some kind of work to pay bills, some money, my health, my husband and the health of my family. Grateful for my easy friends who let me wallow away alone and accept me when I come back later. Grateful to friends here who are willing to REALLY listen when I struggle and who lift me up to get back on track. Grateful for a church family where I feel like I'm home. Grateful that no matter HOW ALONE in this struggle I feel, there are people who can empathize and relate.

Broken isn't bad, as long as you are willing to put the pieces together and try again.
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7 comments:

  1. This actually made me cry a little. But once I got to the okay part of all parts ha. You're an amazing person & I'm glad that even though it's tough, you're getting through the hard parts & knowing that it's going to be okay. I really hope that you're able to get a "big girl" job soon & that the renovations come to an end sooner than later. Social media can definitely make the struggle harder sometimes. I'm glad that you have things to be thankful for, like an Arizona trip next month!

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  2. honesty in yourself and your life is best. those who pretend by throwing up smoke and mirrors are only doing themselves a disservice. i know plenty who are all about smoke and mirrors and even go so far as to throw shade at those who are truly happy just to make themselves feel better. to those ppl, i give them the finger and keep them at a distance.

    life is not easy; it never has been. when things get tough and you power through them with your partner or yourself, the end is so much sweeter when you stand there knowing you did it and it only made you stronger as a person and couple.

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  3. I SO get this, friend. I actually told J earlier this year that I wanted to run away alone. Life is hard and it's okay to admit it because it's hard for us all. You can be grateful and pissed off at the same time. Hope things get better love!

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  4. Love you to the end of the galaxy and back and I am always here and rooting for you.

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  5. I wish there was more honesty... We all are struggling & its good to know you're not alone

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  6. I think you know where I stand on being honest about struggle - we don't need to share everything with the world but we should be okay saying THIS SUCKS RIGHT NOW. Because we are all there, just not at the same time.

    MFD and I are opposites and that leads to a lot of clashing when things are hard too. I'd be alone on the next empty island waving to you from the shore.

    Hang in there.

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  7. That quote about cracks and beauty is SO TRUE! I have a quote hanging above my desk that says "sometimes the biggest mountains offers the greatest views." Sending you so much love - hang in there friend XOXOX

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