|Tuesday night, thinking about my LAST evening class of the day. Not pretty, just life.|
This week has been hard. Aggressively hard. Too much to do in too little time. Asking my body to work harder than it should for longer than it needs. A mound of yeses drowning me day by day. Hour by hour ticking away and NOTHING but wheels turning. Somehow everything snuck up on me so quickly and from Sunday night to Monday morning my mood shifted, my brain slowly shut down and my will to do fight on drained away. Teaching each class a different way to engage everyone is tough. Multiple formats and multiple subs make my head spin. Too much. Too much. Too much.
Tuesday was an all out beast of a day with four classes, training clients, working extra shifts at the gym, then dinner with a friend leaving town, all with the knowledge I had to be up to teach a 6am class the next morning. Happy face on I tried to push through. I tried to sub out a class to breath, but no one would help me. I tried to find happy in the small moments. Tried to seek out moments to recenter but it wasn't happening.
Slowly this feeling of hopelessness ate away at my joy. At my love of fitness. At my dream of making fitness my FULL TIME. At making a difference, because that's why I'm passionate about fitness. I want people to feel better about working out. About exercising. About feeling healthy. I want to teach people how to move their bodies so they can conquer things they never dreamed. But. But. But. It's not working out. It's so hard to convince people to pay me to teach them. Trying to flip clients via social media. Via walking around the gym. Just engaging people in the concept of PT is a trail because everyone just sees dollar bills, not what they will gain. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.
I texted friends and then broke down crying to Lynn because I just couldn't hold it together. Being a YES girl is in my blood. Who I am. How I was raised. What I want to be. But, I realized being the yes girl doesn't mean others will say yes to you. Which hurts. Which changes perspectives. Which makes me feel icky. Lynn reminded me it is okay to say NO. It is okay to say no multiple times. To not always be the yes girl. To value myself more. Which is true. I need to make sure I'm okay so I can give my best to others.
So I had a good cry. Had a good breakfast and chat with a friend. Taught another class. Worked the front desk and finally found a YES person for my evening class. Then it became time for me. A bath. A book. A candle. Mac and cheese. Salad. Water. A nonsense television show. Writing this blog post. Face timing with my family. Recharge. Sweet beautiful recharge.
Now I am ready again. I am ready for the eight hour drive to Virginia tomorrow afternoon. I am ready to figure out a business plan for my dream. I am ready to discern what my correct path is at the moment. I am ready to sleep. Breathe in a new day and exhale joy for others.
To those who reached out, thank you. I love your support and your friendship. And to those reading now, thank you for being here to champion my words and give them meaning.