It's the same with people who have wronged me. Oh I'm goooooooood at holding on and remembering why I don't want someone in my life anymore. Or what I would do if they ever talked to me again. I'll forgive, but I won't forget. That hurt, that issue? It sits and stays. And is ready to be called up at any moment.
Which is tiring. And heavy. All those bricks. All those moments in the past I still hold on to because I carry the grudge. What good is it doing me? How is it helping me live a happy life? Easy answer, it's not. I heard a sermon on Sunday where the pastor compared grudges to bricks at the bottom of a pool. How one brick, one problem, one grudge you can manage as you kick back up to the surface. But as you add on grievances and grudges, the heavier the load and harder it is to swim to the surface. The surface is oxygen and happiness and the bottom of the pool is not.
In the past 34 years I've learned a great deal. One of the things I'm learning late in life is to LET.IT.GO. Holding grudges does nothing for the offender, it just continues to poison my life. Take up brain and emotional space I could use for greater, more important things. Happier things for a happier life. So here are the bricks I'm laying down:
To the college boyfriend who chose his fraternity and senior year escapades over me. Who tried to make it work again but couldn't abide by my terms. Who truly did a number on me with regards to opening my heart and trusting men. Who almost ruined my senior year in college. Who never could get over the fact I made the soccer team and he didn't get asked to play. I'm putting down the brick.
To the best friend in college who fooled everyone. Who decided to lie, cheat and steal. Who 'supported me' unless it conflicted with her playing time. Who always tried to talk me into making wrong decisions. Who was a master at manipulation and would never talk honestly about problems. Who chose to keep everyone in the dark to live a double life. I'm putting down the brick.
To the ex-best friend who let her jealousy ruin our decade old relationship. Who constantly tried to push me down a different path than the one I wanted. Who couldn't stand the thought of me being married before her. Who decided one day she no longer wanted to be happy for me and tried to make people choose between us. I'm putting down the brick.
To the trolls on sports teams who enjoy riling everyone up because they can. The ones who decide to post stupid things online, say untrue things about people's character and accuse others of cheating. Who drive me crazy because they know just what to say to push my buttons. I'm putting down the brick.
To the person I cut out of my life four years ago who continues to try and stir up drama. Who's need for constant pump ups and dramatics became too exhaustive for me and who tried to lie about everything after I ended the friendship. You're big and bad behind a computer screen as you continue to rehash the past. Which used to annoy me because it's different from the who you really are in the world, but once again, I'm moving on with my life. I'm putting down the brick
To the extended family members who continue to try my patiences being rude to others I love. You can't choose family and sometimes things get heated and words get said that can never be unheard. I wish we could all get along. I'm putting down the brick.
My shoulders are so much lighter after writing this here. I'm sure I'll still hold a grudge and feel heavy again, but I'm actively trying to change my mentality. Nothing changes overnight, but a single step is where success starts.
Now, please understand. This is not some post to say forgive and forget anything and everything. I don't pretend to know everyone's situation or struggles. As you just read, most of the bricks I carry are quite small compared to many of the world's problems. Which is why I need to set them down.
This post is mostly for me. To finally say the words out loud, to truly get it out of my head and here. And maybe, this post might help someone else put down the brick(s). Maybe lighten someone else's load. What brick do you need to put down?