Trying to Find My Light

And holy Sh*t has my pink ass been kicked. Every time I wanted to come here and write, decompress and veg out I couldn't because I didn't have the energy. Why? Because I'm not sleeping. Why? Because I'm constantly practicing or teaching classes. Why? Because my job is bananas and barely gives me time to breathe. Why? Because we just bought a town house and there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done. 

I have been a tired soul. The toll of life hurt my heart and my brain and I have been so emotionally, physically and mentally fatigued. It was all I could do to get out of bed and roll into work. The only, O N L Y piece of joy came teaching group fitness. The hour I could zone out with the music and my members gave me a piece of my soul back, but it was never, ever enough. Class ended too soon and suddenly it was back to horrible, stressful, awful reality.

When I say I'm not sleeping, I'm talking newborn parents not sleeping. I'm up EVERY HOUR, like clockwork. Through new hires I've managed to put together a pretty great team and my overnight guy is money now. So, you'd think I'd be okay to sleep knowing he'd be there...nope. Every night, for weeks, no sleep. I finally made a doctors appointment and have been using different plans to combat symptoms but have yet to find an actual cure. When I sleep for five hours I feel like a million bucks and have thankfully had a few of those nights recently. But the normal three hours of collective sleep is slowly crushing me.

I had no idea the toll no sleep and all this stress was taking until my boss at work asked me if I was okay. A dude, y'all, a dude. He point blank asked me if my quality of life was okay because I looked awful. I answered him truthfully and said no, I'm not okay. Because, y'all, I wasn't. 

I am so stressed about money. I have made friends but don't do anything because I don't want to spend money.  I am so over my job. I hate the stress, even though I've now created a stellar team. I'm over the bullshit, the new initiatives and slogans. They legit don't pay me enough and it's hard to have buy-in when you're not getting compensated for your work. I want to be in the fitness world, but operations is NOT for me. All of this stress doesn't just stay with me at work, I bring it home. 

Want to put stress on your marriage? Try quitting your jobs, moving to a new state without jobs, live in someone else's home for six months [four months longer than anticipated], get a new stressful job, buy a home on a teeny salary and then try to move in during the winter and busiest time of the year for said job. Yeah, it's been super peachy here. We are learning together and growing together, which is good, just so the opposite of easy.

Life has been dark, so dark and I've struggled to find the light at the end of my tunnel. I know there has to be one, but it's so dim and far away I wonder if it exists or is just a figment of my imagination. Last week brought me some extra light from friends in response to an Instagram post. My faithful cheerleaders showed up and helped me realize it is achievable and it can be done, I just have to faith and continue to work hard. So that is what I will do. I will continue to show up to the arena and get my ass kicked. I will continue to bring my light into the darkness and look ahead. I will continue to try and achieve my goals and find the finish line ahead. One step forward, one day at a time.

Happy Birthday, Husband!

Sure, we're 3+ years past our wedding, but I don't care. I'm still going to post a picture from the best day ever. We've has many adventures this year, some incredible and some terrible, yet through it all we were together. You are the BCAAs to my protein powder, the butter to my sautéed mushrooms, the red wine reduction to my medium rare steak, the fluffy blanket to my couch, the complimentary color to my pink and my best friend. Wishing you an amazing year and so thankful I get to do life with you. Love you to the moon, back and straight to the stars. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Fitness Friday the Thirteenth

Y'all, two posts back to back, stop the world! Hah! I really think I'll be able to get back into the blogging groove now that things in my life are more settled. Probably not five days a week, but at least three, fingers crossed.

Why am I so busy you ask? Oh you know, I work at a gym and my life is alllll about that fitness, everyday, errryday. Most of the time my stress is brought on by something I'm not that into, but the past two weeks and especially the past few days my stress has been high but my smile has been big. This weekend is FITTEST at Gold's and also the GLOBAL LAUNCH OF #BODYPUMP100!

THIS.IS.HUGE! Something so massive and so fantastical, I'm just grateful to be a part of it. Normally launch week is a busy time of year, but this year it's even busier since we are launching multiple programs over the weekend. I have three different formats I've had to learn and with my new job haven't been able to spend as much time as I normally do learning the chorey. But, I was a great late night studier so I'm confident my brain power will work, I just hope my body does. Check out my weekend, and then add two more classes Monday and Tuesday! #thatinstructorlife

Check out some of the fun I've been learning!

You'd think after this week I'd be all 'ahhhh I can't wait to relax', yeah, no! Once this week is over it's time to perfect my BODYPUMP100 technique because I have another training schedule for February that will take my coaching even further. I'm excited but super nervous because this could make or a break a big dream/goal of mine for the year. 

Speaking of goals, did I mention I was also trying to become a personal trainer in the next five months? Oh yeah, I am. This is a relatively new goal of mine and something I never thought I'd EVER attempt. But, being here in Tennessee and really sinking into the fitness world has made me realize what an ASSET a national certification would be for my career. I hope I can make myself proud and really absorb all of the knowledge to becomes one kick@$$ trainer. The sky is the limit once I pass my test and I'm looking forward to where my fitness path might lead.

Soooooo, yeah, how are you spending your weekend :)!?

No Place Like Home

Yes, friends, YES! 

After months of feeling lost, days of feeling depressed, weeks of wondering if this was the stupidest decision ever, finally, finally have A H O M E! You may have seen the good news over Instagram on Saturday [ find me here ] and I've just now found the time to update this space with the news. 

Le Husband and I closed on a townhouse last Friday and moved everything in over the weekend [talk about that adventure another day]. Right now the place is filled with boxes, both taped and opened, and our kitchen looks like a bomb exploded, but that's okay. It is OUR KITCHEN in OUR HOME. There is a lot of work to be done and we are slowly making lists, unpacking, organizing and brainstorming ideas to make it even more us. 

Thank you all for the support and prayers the past seven months. This move was much harder than anticipated on me, on Le Husband on our marriage and just in general. Now it all makes sense and now it is all worth the pain, tears, stress, frustration and failures. We are where we need to be and it's time to build our life in Knoxville. 

I can't wait to show you more pictures once everything gets more situated and get ready for a a bunch of DIYs because this place needs some work. Two words, popcorn ceiling [i know]. Now that we have Internet I'm hopefully going to get back into the swing of blogging and will be visiting y'all soon. Before I go, I have to share a picture of our second meal in the new place. The first night I created homemade bagel bites which were delicious but not something to brag about. Saturday night [after a ridiculous day, again, more to come] Le Husband decided he wanted homemade chicken and waffles so that's what we made. They, along with champagne and a Disney movie on my laptop, created the most perfect dinner experience and will be a memory I hold on to for a very long time. 

Thank you again for being here during our journey and for championing us when we lost faith. Y'all mean so much to me and I'm so grateful for each comment, prayer, happy vibe and well wish. I hope y'all have a wonderful rest of the week!

A New Year... A New Challenge...A New Life

Hello 2017...a few days late. Story of my life since November, huh? This poor lil space has been so neglected due to life, frustrations, happenings, depression, job stresses and just a plain old disheartened spirit.

December 2016 was quite different than December 2015 and I started a post looking back on where I was last holiday season. I was blogging about gift guides, cohosting a holiday linkup, talking about parties, food and traditions, scouring the Internets for the best buys and sharing in the joy of the hustle and bustle on other blogs.

Last month...I posted a total of five times. F I V E! During the busiest and most festive time of the year. I'd blame it all on work, however that would be a lie. It wasn't 100% work, maybe 85% which is still high when you think about it right? Quite often I was too tired to even think about the computer, or I was teaching or I was hanging out with family for dinner or just sitting trying to find my center.

The few times I opened up this space I'd write a sentence or two and then get stuck. Because that's what I've felt the past two months, stuck.

Stuck in a job I don't really care for but I know is a good experience.

Stuck in someone else's home.

Stuck feeling nervous, anxious, worried, fearful and stressed.

Stuck thinking about a possible medical issue which keeps popping up.

Stuck with thoughts of doubts, sadness and nostalgia in my head.

Stuck comparing where I was last year and where everyone else seems to be while I'm in this place.

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

Being stuck SUCKS.

As you can imagine, posts like this were not what I wanted when everyone was posting happy, happy, joy, joy, party, party life is grand. Not only did I feel whiny, I felt annoyed I was the only one feeling this way. The only one 'going through something' which I know is not true at all. Everyone has something they are dealing with and right now this feeling of stuck is my burden.

I'd like to say I've got this new mantra for the New Year and I've changed my mindset. That would only be 75% true. I am adapting a 'IT WILL ALL WORK OUT' thought process when I can, because it all has worked out so far. I was able to go home for Thanksgiving. I was able to go home to surprise my family. I was able to take off for Christmas and I was able to have a quiet New Years. Missing out on those were my big fears when I applied for this job, and lookie there, Pinky, it all worked out.

2017 has started with  a bang, both good and bad. Good I'll share next week, stay tuned it's big. The bad, yeah kind of tough. Someone quite without notice, which took away weekend help, I'm losing a kids care person and an overnight person at the end of the month, which I just learned about this week. Yeah, lots to work around and multiple puzzles to solve so NOT BORING.

My challenge is to keep the positive in focus, to trust in Him, to not cry overtime something goes wrong and to embrace this trying season of life. Because soon, it will pay off. SOON it will all make sense, I just have to hold on, with that hope for the new life down the road.

Hashtag So Worth It

This weekend was:

... a car road trip starting at 6am.

... seven+ hours in the car in three days.

... two stops for gas.

... very little sleep.

... getting surprises and schedules married up on the sly.

... lots of tears.

... crazy when a deer brushed the side of my car.

... lots of cooking and cleaning.

... festive movies, clothing and sing a longs.

... one of the most fun surprises I've ever been a part of.

... 100% worth every hard moment and frustration to see the surprise on each family members' face.

I LOVE MY FAMILY! This weekend was long and I'm exhausted, but it's what you do for FAMILY!

I'm beyond exhausted and paying for all the fun now. Send me some extra energy, please!

The Good...The Bad...The Ugly

The Good...
I passed another initial training over the weekend. I took a chance with BODYCOMBAT because it is way outside my essence and I made it through with a 3/3 pass. My trainers were incredible and my training team was so supportive. I walked away from this training a lot more sure of myself within the Les Mills world. I also walked away with high praise from my fellow instructors and from one of my trainers. Despite still feeling 'new' to BODYPUMP and ATTACK, I was told I "OWNED THE STAGE" whenever I presented and that meant a lot coming from a trainer. I'll take that nugget now and grow in my classes which makes me excited to teach once again. There was also movement on my overall goal within the Les Mills tribe and very good feedback when I expressed where I wanted my journey to go. I love the fitness world and each training reminds me of the fire I have to help create a healthier world.

The Bad...
My job sucks donkey balls. Sorry for the vulgarity, but there is no other way to express how I feel. It sucks and it sucks badly. Managing people is HARD and managing people who don't take their jobs seriously is stressful beyond belief. I've had multiple no call no shows and it causes so much stress and frustration for me. I'm still struggling to understand I can't control people and if they don't show up, that's not my fault and not a reflection on me. I've only hired ONE person and some of the people I've inherited have been disappointing. The corporate culture here is also tough as our management team has been thrown multiple curveballs, multiple times a week and even a day. I'm lucky to have a supportive GM and an FM who I consider a friend. 75% of my team is amazing and I have five people I can count on no matter what which has helped numerous times.

The Ugly...
I am slowly stressing out about my job, my life and soon my health is going to start suffering. The no call no shows at work have stressed me out to the max. Each call in the early morning ruins my day and I honestly can feel my body breaking down. I don't do well without sleep and I can barely sleep two hours before waking up thinking my phone is going to ring. I cry, ALL.THE.TIME because I feel like I'm failing on so many levels. I miss my family like crazy, am so so so so sad about my sister leaving and not being able to be home to hang with her, I barely find time to eat at work, I work 8+ hour days without a break to get work done and then get in trouble for going into overtime. I worry I won't get away for Christmas and I fear I'll never be able to take a day off of work. This also affects my fitness goals because worrying about people not showing up means I might not try to attend trainings and that kills me. I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO AND WHAT I WANT TO DO, I just can't seem to make this job work for that end goal.

The IT GETS BETTER!!!!
The first three paragraphs were brought to you on Sunday evening. After I wrote my note to Jason, which I almost didn't post because it felt too sad this time of year, but I needed to be true to me so on the blog it published. Losing Jason really hurt and really put me in a bad place for a few days. Work was a mess and I just felt like the biggest failure on earth. But then, my big boss showed up to check on her lil baby OM and really helped me put things into perspective. I learned how to manage my time better and she even helped me figure out how I can find a day off here and there which means a lot. Nothing about this job is easy, but my mentors and support system both make it manageable when I think I'm going to break. I've renewed my resolve and set a MUST MAKE goal. I can get there, I know it.