Dear Jason... I'm Sorry

Dear Jason,

How do I start this letter? Honestly, I can't believe I'm writing it now. Four days later and everything still doesn't seem real. When Sportyspice texted me the news I was in shock. I responded back What the F*$&, (which probably made you laugh since I rarely cussed around you).

She had to be lying, I couldn't be reading the words she texted, they just COULDN'T be real. But they were, all too real. Driving down I-40 sobbing I somehow made it to work. Jason, what happened? Why? Why did this happen? Why are you gone and not here anymore?

There is so much left unsaid and it breaks my heart because it's my fault. Your base was only four hours away from here and I had no idea because we hadn't talked in so long due to our falling out. Did you know you were on my heart the past few weeks? Did you know I was thinking of reaching out to you, and then my job got in the way and every time I thought about it I got distracted and forgot until the next day? Did you know I worried about you even though that was no longer my place? That I checked up on Facebook when you had important posts? I'd like to think yes, yet a big part of my heart knows you probably thought we were still where we ended when you didn't come to my wedding. 

Man did that hurt. And it shows today because that's what drove this wedge. I still don't understand why you didn't come and why you didn't tell me before when I asked. You were my big brother and every time we talked about the wedding you were excited, asking if I wanted you in military dress or just a suit. Talking about how you'd make sure to have a chat with Le Husband at the reception. You were always my protector, ever since you were my college RA sophomore year. That's when you became my big brother and I your little sis. We made people do a double take when we talked like family. You knew that stupid college boyfriend didn't deserve me and offered to 'take care of it' whenever he acted a fool. I loved how you and my Dad got along and how you both connected. It made me happy because I knew you didn't have the best relationship with your father. Being there for your commissioning with my Dad is a memory I'll always cherish because we were BOTH so proud of you. 

Our argument seems so stupid right now, funny huh? Sad it takes you being GONE FROM THIS WORLD for me to understand how STUPID holding a grudge can be and how short a time we have here on earth. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. 

I know I was your person for a time and I should have been there for you, always. I'm not going to put your business out there, but I knew the things you dealt with and we had many a long nights talk about the importance you had in this world and how important you were to people. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the past few years. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you realized you needed a career change. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during the hard times and the happy times. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help whenever you needed it. 

And, Jason, I'm so sorry you left here without me telling you how much you meant to me and how much I loved you. My eyes fill, my heart breaks and my soul hurts every time I think of you now. I messed up and I'll pay for it the rest of my life. I will do whatever I can to make sure your daughter knows HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HER. She will also know how incredible you were and your impact on this world. 

I don't want to sign off, that makes this so final. But it is final, which hurts, sucks and kills me. Our country owes a debt to you and I owe you more than you know. I take comfort that you are with Shane now and can only imagine the good natured trouble you both are causing in heaven. Watch out for us, here. Your guidance, smarts, good manners, kind words and loving demeanor will be missed greatly, so sprinkle a lil bit here and there when you can. 

I love you, Jason. Godspeed.