What Is Going On? {Could I Be Pregnant}

Good morning and welcome to the first of a few stream of consciousness posts. If you missed the news, I announced I was pregnant earlier this week. I know I'm not the first woman, nor the last, to be pregnant. But, this is my first journey carrying a child and something I started chronicling at the beginning because I wanted to remember everything. These moments might not mean anything to you, might bore you and I fully support you not reading past this point because this is not your journey. This is my blog and my journey and one day I know I'll be so happy I can look back on my thoughts right at the beginning.

***Please know, this was written in no way to cause heartache to anyone. I understand there are so many women struggling with infertility and my words are not written to diminish your journey or longing. I in no way want to be insensitive to anyone's situation, so please understand anything written here is for me and in no way written with the intent of upsetting someone***

August 11th: Something is off and I can't figure out what is going on right now. I'm pretty stressed about starting my training next week. A new job, something so incredibly different than anything I've done in the past and I'm struggling to keep my nerves in check. I've teared up in fear twice this week which is so crazy. I know I'm an emotional person, but I honestly thought the crying randomly had been in check since I lost my job last year. Hopefully once I start my training everything will calm down and make sense.

August 15th: I'm starting to wonder. I'm late. I'm tried. I'm emotional and I don't think it has to do with just my new training. This is strange. So strange. I'm not hungry. I want a nap and my body feels so weird. Right now I just hope I'm sick or something. I'm so not ready.

August 17th: All I can think about now is I need to take a test, but I don't know when? I want Le Husband to be a part of this. We aren't together right now. He's somewhere else because he came to DC early and I'm with Babyspice. Part of me wants to figure this out so I know what's going and part of me wants to do it with him, together. Do we take a test up here so we can tell family? Is that too early? What should I do?

August 18th: Today sucked. Ok, not true. The last game sucked and I'm pretty miserable about the outcome. We were going to go out, but I just did dinner with my sister, mom & dad. There was a mix up with coordination and I honestly didn't want to hang out with my team. I had a margarita with dinner without a care. I think I'm making myself crazy so I need to talk to Le Husband figure out what we want to do. Wait longer or take a test.

August 19th: I told Le Husband about my suspicions today. At the most inopportune time, but isn't that us? I thought we had time to discuss before people came over to the house for brunch. Nope. I told him and he just looked at me and said "People are coming earlier than planned and will be here in five minutes". Talk about HOLY WHAT!??! Such a big life moment, then quickly on to chatting with friends, family and kids like everything was normal. Which it wasn't. Because something is different, I know it. I cried on the flight home and he slept. I cried because I was leaving family without telling them something. I cried because we are so far away. I cried because I don't want to go to training tomorrow. I cried because I am scared about the next step. We decided not to take a test after we get home from DC. I'm honestly not ready to know. I want one more sleep, which I know sounds stupid, but I'm scared. I'd rather sleep tonight thinking "maybe" instead of " yes or no".

AUGUST 20TH: OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! POSITIVE! I do NOT know what to think right now. I am completely thrown off kilter. This? Now? THIS MONTH? I cannot believe it, I really can't. We thought we were pregnant in July but we weren't. I was so ready then. So excited. Then it turned out to be a false alarm, which was good because of everything that happened regarding jobs. But now?!?! In the midst of feeling like a loser who might not complete training I find out I'm going to be a mom. Le Husband is going to be a dad and he is so excited. I sadly think I stole some of his joy tonight, because I was so "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA". But, he was great and allowed me to say everything I was thinking and we went to bed deciding to tell family in the next two days. We.are.having.a.baby.