May 4, 2010

Writing to my soul

Hello friends!
How are you?
I am well thank you!
No really, I am. I am good. I am healthy. Moving on.

I have done alot of growing these past few weeks. Since me growing up is such a shocking thought, I have been trying to document all of my grown up or non grown up thoughts. While writing can be time consuming and tedious, it is so amazing to look back at the past few weeks and see the ups and downs I went through. And although I don't consider myself an Edgar Allen Poe or Margaret Mitchell ( I heart Gone with the Wind ) I believe I am a pretty good writer. And these past few weeks have been good writing for me. But yet, I still haven't found the EXACT words I want to use to describe how I feel and have felt.

So I keep writing,
and writing,
and writing.
Hoping to find the correct phrases.
But no dice!

However, I did some blog walking this morning and LO AND BEHOLD...the exact words I have been looking for are on this girl's page.
Now, if this were a research paper I would cite her blog (although I don't think blogs are considered usable references, but hey, I graduated college awhile ago) and paraphrase her words. Now, I don't know if this is legit in the blogging world, but it's all I've got. Below please excerpts of an amazing writer named C.

"When we really, really love someone it always starts off as, "this person compliments me-- we bring out the best in each other. They quite possibly posses the mind and face and body of someone I'd like to see everyday. forever. You revel in each other's presence and quirks and every new discovery, every witty thing he says, or silly habit I notice fills in this mystery that you just have to solve. It starts off innocently enough, but each little clue is a chip of a the other person's heart and you start storing them up until you've given over the whole thing.

I first went into my relationship thinking that THIS is going to be the one that sticks. The one where we don't have "breaks," or turbulent fights and low blows. I was absolutely set on and refused to accept another heartbreak. In this one I would compromise and listen....I wouldn't be too prideful, possessive or distrusting. I carefully placed each brick, with intention to in the long run build something solid.

Unfortunately, my obsession with refusing to see disappointment festered like a cancer. Slowly, it was just a tiny snag that goes ignored until something catches it...and then all of a sudden you've got a pile of yarn and no blanket. And it's the middle of winter. And you don't sew. Screw sewing.

When you love someone you just want them to be everything to you. The pillar, the muse, the port in the storm, the provider and the counselor. You think that they'll see the things that hurt you and protect you from them- without you having to ask. It's an unspoken rule that once this person is "my person" they'll be there when I'm lonely, or have a flat tire or need a drinking partner, because all those "little things" represent something so much bigger...something that proves faithfulness and security. Trust that that heart you gave over when everything was still sunshine and roses is going to be taken care of.

We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection.

I know what I need to do....I need to reintroduce myself to that girl, the one who sauntered into an audition- fearless and brazenly self-confident that captured his attention, without meaning to and kept it. The girl who went to dinner by herself because food tastes better when you don't have any distractions...or anywhere to be. The girl who took vacations alone and went to the art museum solo. Who lived FREELY and passionately, not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone...but because it made me HAPPY. Who wasn't an observer, but an active creator....waiting for no one, those who wanted to jump on the boat were welcome, but regardless, the boat was going somewhere"

How absolutely incredible are the those words? How amazingly do they fit MY BREAK UP!?! And here I am thinking I was going through this alone and was the only one feeling this way. I went to write this talented muse a comment and then got sidetracked reading all of the uplifting comments other women wrote.

Check it out:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." This may not pertain to GT but how BEAUTIFUL is this quote?

"I think that strong, independent girls are really just regular girls who have higher walls around their hearts. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it weeds out a lot of the bull shit - most guys don't have the patience to scale that wall. It's a bad thing though, because when someone does make it inside it's absolutely SO MUCH more painful when that something ends or hits the skids. " How true, how very true!

So while these were not my words I hope you can appreciate them as much as I did.
THIS IS HOW I FELT! And still feel.
But I am closer to who I was before.
And who I will be with the right person.

I'm so happy I started a blog!
I hope those who read are too!


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