June 8, 2010

Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

Have you ever randomly picked up an old CD, popped it in the car and then BOOM you hear that one song that explains everything you have been thinking but haven't been able to put into words? Well, that happened to me earlier this week.

I randomly popped in my Ashlee Simpson CD (please don't judge).
She had some good dance around songs and
some pretty
power ballads.
I was just zipping along, driving down the highway when this track came on.
"Catch me when I fall"
I believe she wrote this song after her failed appearance on SNL,
where she was accused of lip singing.
And there was a HUGE backlash from the radio
her fans
her haters
and basically everyone who saw the clip.

Now, I really haven't had a 'fall on my face in public' moment like her
(which I am SUPER grateful for)
But lately,
since all the drama of the GT break up
I really haven't been in the best of places.
And it's bad,
I mean pretty bad.
I've gotten away from who I am at the core
and have started to look towards social comforts to numb my pain.
This pain of being alone.

But you wouldn't know it from the way I act.
I have been the constant entertainment for my friends the past few weeks
with all of my boy stories
and partying stories
and acting silly crazy stories. I'm putting myself
in some pretty interesting situations, that come out okay
but aren't really the norm for someone like me.
And while everyone is laughing with me and saying how funny I am and
how they want to live vicariously through me
all I can think about is this verse from Ashlee's song:

"It may seem I have everything.
But everything means nothing,
when the ride that you've been on,
that you're coming off
leaves you feeling lost"

Because right now, I think I'm starting to feel lost.
I'm good at hiding my feelings,
'but when the lights are off, somethings killing me'

All I want to do now is shout,
"who will be the one to save me from myself.
who's gonna catch me when I fall?"

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