What's P!nky Thinkin'?

A guy I work with loves to be a smartaleck about alot of things.
Most of the time it has to do with how I phrase questions or comments
(I've been known to speak before I think....ooopps, that's why you love me wink wink)
Anyway, yesterday I approached him and said "You know what I was thinking?"
And without batting an eye he says "yes, I often sit here and think,
What's P!nky Thinkin?"

And I thought, hey, that's a fun new way to take my blog. I've been slacking lately
sorry
but it's because I always want things to be good and well written and thought out
but sometimes the free flowing
easy goin
ya knowin'
jibber jabber can produce some of the best posts and ideas.
So for the next few blogs I'm just gonna write
What P!nky's Thinkin'

World Cup
I.heart.soccer.
like for realzzzzzzz!
This is the best time of year, soccer games galore. And the timing is amazing,
because my work has tvs everywhere. So I get to see all the games all day.
And it is GLORIOUS!
I just really don't like all the haters.
the ignorant people that don't know anything about soccer.
stop complaining about soccer being on tv all the time.
last time I checked it was only on 2 channels....2!
So, change the channel and shut your mouth please.

THIS
IS
THE
GAME
THE
WORLD
PLAYS!!!!!!!!!

I'm playing with fire....but I think I like it
Fire burns I know...but that's only if you get too close, but if you just
stand really close
but not too close
it gives you a warmth that you can
feel
all the way to your insides.
The warmth is something that can
be sooooo addicting, that you keep creeping closer
and closer and
closer and then
you're burned. But NOPE!
I'mma keep my distance and just play by the fire. Roast a few smores,
but not too many, just enough to take the edge off.
Basically this means I enjoy kicking it with J, even though I know his ways.
I am testing my 'lack of emotions' feelings
because I am bored
and because he is fun
and good looking
and not looking
for anything serious. Which is perfect for me, cause I right now I am able
to separate
feelings from emotions wink wink.

Life seems to be passing me by
and All I seem to be doing is
watching
and waiting
and watching and
waiting and
watching.
I'm dealing with the what ifs and not the nows.
and it has to stop!

Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

Have you ever randomly picked up an old CD, popped it in the car and then BOOM you hear that one song that explains everything you have been thinking but haven't been able to put into words? Well, that happened to me earlier this week.

I randomly popped in my Ashlee Simpson CD (please don't judge).
She had some good dance around songs and
some pretty
power ballads.
I was just zipping along, driving down the highway when this track came on.
"Catch me when I fall"
I believe she wrote this song after her failed appearance on SNL,
where she was accused of lip singing.
And there was a HUGE backlash from the radio
her fans
her haters
and basically everyone who saw the clip.

Now, I really haven't had a 'fall on my face in public' moment like her
(which I am SUPER grateful for)
But lately,
since all the drama of the GT break up
I really haven't been in the best of places.
And it's bad,
I mean pretty bad.
I've gotten away from who I am at the core
and have started to look towards social comforts to numb my pain.
This pain of being alone.

But you wouldn't know it from the way I act.
I have been the constant entertainment for my friends the past few weeks
with all of my boy stories
and partying stories
and acting silly crazy stories. I'm putting myself
in some pretty interesting situations, that come out okay
but aren't really the norm for someone like me.
And while everyone is laughing with me and saying how funny I am and
how they want to live vicariously through me
all I can think about is this verse from Ashlee's song:

"It may seem I have everything.
But everything means nothing,
when the ride that you've been on,
that you're coming off
leaves you feeling lost"

Because right now, I think I'm starting to feel lost.
I'm good at hiding my feelings,
'but when the lights are off, somethings killing me'

All I want to do now is shout,
"who will be the one to save me from myself.
who's gonna catch me when I fall?"

Everyone deserves alittle fun....right?

Soooooooo, it's been awhile. And for that I'm sorry. But, I really haven't had anything great to say recently, things have been pretty ho-hum. I mean life is still trucking along with the usual in's and out's, here and there's and high's and low's. As is my usual, I have been doing alot of thinking about my life; what I want, what I have and what I don't want. And what's funny is lately all of these wants have been changing day to day.

I want the house with the picket fence
I want to travel abroad for years
I want the husband and 3 kids
I want my freedom to do as I please
I want my friends to set me up with different guys
I want to be seen as a strong independent woman
I want stability and a safety net
I want the adventurous, tumultuous chaos of fun.

So after the GT fiasco of not being on the same page and all (blah blah blah), I told myself I am going to change my MO and get serious about dating (as cheesy as that sounds blah). Anyway, I decided I was not going to date just to date. I know that not every guy I go on a date with will be my Mr. Right or the One and I understand I might have to go on a few dates to find out if they mesh with my life. However, I have been in relationships before where I've always known we weren't meant to be, but I let it drag on thinking 1) he will change 2) things will get better with time 3) I'm having fun and don't want to be alone. Every time I encounter this feeling, things end badly, feelings get hurt and I end up kicking myself and saying "I told you so child". So, since the relationship with GT ended, my ego was a little bruised and I'm not gonna lie, there have been times where I have turned on the charm extra hard or made an extra effort to look nice. But, I've never really given the impression I am 'looking' for anything because I don't want to deal with it.

ENTER THURSDAY NIGHT.....I participate in different sporting activities to stay in shape and to make new friends. Thursday night is a standing activity night that includes an athletic event and then fun at a bar. I've met alot of fun people and enjoy Thursday nights (although Friday mornings are a different story, wink wink). So this Thursday I had planned to make it an early night because I was tired and there weren't alot of people at the bar to play with. However, through some random turn of events that did not end up happening. My roommate (B), myself and a couple of friends ended up closing down the bar (bad news bears). But my having a good time and pulling an oops is not the point of this post.

Playing different activities helps you meet different people...or let's you admire different people from afar ;). So I have had a crush on this one guy, Z, for the past year and half but have never done anything about it. I've had a boyfriend for some of the time, but really I was too chicken to go up and talk to him. Well, of course B knows about my crush and decided to tell said crush on Thursday saaaaaaaaaaay what?!

Okay, okay, I am going to cut the chase. Z and I hung out Thursday night and then had lunch on Friday. It was alot of fun and he was/is different than I expected, but in a good way. Funny, charming, adventurous, chatty, gregarious, cute, sweet and a good guy. Do I think all of your P's and Q's will match up, NOPE, but I want to have some fun. He's a good guy for once I am taking things day by day and seeing where it will go. We have hung out twice and have had a really good time and it's just easy. No pressure, no expectations, no commitment, just fun. It might just be a summer fling, but for once, that's okay by me.

xoP!nkyxo

What are friends for?

I've recently had alot of blog ideas rolling around in my head, but haven't had the time...okay okay the patience... to actually put them into words. So there will hopefully be a bunch of posts in the near future.

How amazing are friends? I know I wouldn't be able to survive without my friends. Life is too hard to go about alone and let's face it, alot less fun too. What do friends do? EVERYTHING!!!

Friends are there to tell you when you look fabulous.
Friends are there to tell you "oh girl no!"
Friends are there to sit around and chat with about nothing at the table
Friends are there when something amazing happens
Friends are there to take you to the ER after a soccer game
Friends are there to listen to you complain 1948034 over a relationship
Friends are there to tell you he is the wrong guy for you
Friends are there and let you make your own mistakes
Friends are there to pick up the pieces after those mistakes

Friends ARE LOVE
FRIENDS are LIFE
Friends are the family God 'forgot' to give you!

Happy Friday FRIENDS!!!

xop!nkyx0

I AM AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!??!?!

UGH
UGH
UGH!

I have never been that girl and now I am. The reasons for my previous posts were because I realized that GT lied about wanting to be friends, so I was hurt and pissed again. But the I realized that 1) I am way better than he deserves and 2) If someone doesn't want to be friends with me, that's okay. I won't force my friendship on anyone. Your loss not mine.

Well, I figured out he didn't want to be friends because, idiot child here, decided to text him late on Saturday night after 1 too many classes of wine. Now, don't fret it wasn't one of THOSE texts, because that is not me 100%. It was a 'I hope we can be friends someday text.' Never got an answer so got pissed. FOOL ME TWICE I'LL KICK YOUR a$$ right?!? I'm moving on with my life, getting less mad each day. Still upset I never got to say what I wanted to say but that's just life right. Case close, relationship over, on to the next one.

Or not so much.
This afternoon I was treated to an email from GT.
YEP an email.
6 days after a text....yes, 6 days but who's counting.
The email consisted of the 'I got your text but was so busy.' nonsense
'I hope all is well. Was really happy to hear from you' really you don't say?
'I hope we can hang out in the future' SIKEABOOBOO!

So NOW I have to figure out a polite way to say, yeah we can be cordial but we will never be friends. I don't do your kind of friendship or relationships.

WHY AM I AN IDIOT?!? I should have kept my mouth shut, and my phone closed.

Change in perspective

So, I've realized you go through different phases with a break up.

Anger.Sadness.Doubt.Happiness.Despair.Lividness(yes i know i made it up).Relief.Acceptance.

You start to see yourself in different ways:

As a fool
As someone who loves greatly
As someone you hates
Someone who forgives
Someone who accepts and moves on
You see yourself becoming happier
more cynical
more loving
more accepting
gentler
harder

And you find yourself getting back to the old you, pre-significant other,
but with strength from what you learned in said relationship.

I've been moving towards a more loving and accepting feeling lately.
I've taken ownership for my own short comings in the relationship
and also come to terms with the fact GT and I will probably never interact again.

Which, for his sake, is probably a good thing now.
Because, my philosophy has changed on the situation.

Before this was my quote:
Shame on you if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice.

And now, thanks to a random suggestion from a random acquaintance:
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, I'll kick your @$$

Now, for those of you who don't really know me (which is anyone reading this blog, but I digress) you will find that to be a very very different and somewhat untrue perspective for me to have. I have and probably will always be the nice girl, who goes out of her way to help everyone, enjoys the color pink and just lives in a world of rainbows, unicorns, glitter. Or as my bff would say, in a bubble (which I happen to like thank you very much).

But, I am growing up.
I am realizing life is not a bubble and that sometimes you can't be nice.
(Contrary to what Thumper's mother taught him, I know. I still heart you Disney!)
I don't like being played as the fool.

GT lied to me for a month about our relationship, ie he wasn't really in it.
FOOL ME ONCE
And now he lied about trying/wanting to be friends.
FOOL ME TWICE

So, while believing him...again...is still 'shame on me' it's also, 'watch your back'!

Again, I am a lover not a fighter. I hate confrontation. I hate arguing.
I can't even watch it on TV without squirming.

But mark my words, if I run into GT anytime in the near future:

IT
IS
ON!

Now, don't worry. I am not one of those girls on Jerry Springer, Maury or Montel (does anyone still remember Montel? He was a good guy before all the $$ drama). There won't be a fight with slapping, punching, or hitting. Trust me, if he came at me I would enjoy nothing more than laying one on him, but I will give him credit, GT would never hit a girl. However, the ignoring and the Ice Queen act will turn on faster than you can say SNOWTORIOUS B-I-G! Move along little boy, you are not welcome here. I don't do childish immaturity anymore. And if you push me too far my rum and sprite might just end up on your cheap polo. I'm just saying.

I know this doesn't sound very Christian, and in all honestly nothing will ever happen. GT lived 5 minutes away from me the past 2 years and the first time I ever saw him was 8 months ago. Oh and we use to go to the same gym. So,the odds of us running into each other out are very very slim.

But, if it happens, GT will be reminded of something I told him while we were dating.

I might be tiny, but I can still kick your a$$!

Writing to my soul

Hello friends!
How are you?
I am well thank you!
No really, I am. I am good. I am healthy. Moving on.

I have done alot of growing these past few weeks. Since me growing up is such a shocking thought, I have been trying to document all of my grown up or non grown up thoughts. While writing can be time consuming and tedious, it is so amazing to look back at the past few weeks and see the ups and downs I went through. And although I don't consider myself an Edgar Allen Poe or Margaret Mitchell ( I heart Gone with the Wind ) I believe I am a pretty good writer. And these past few weeks have been good writing for me. But yet, I still haven't found the EXACT words I want to use to describe how I feel and have felt.

So I keep writing,
and writing,
and writing.
Hoping to find the correct phrases.
But no dice!

However, I did some blog walking this morning and LO AND BEHOLD...the exact words I have been looking for are on this girl's page.
Now, if this were a research paper I would cite her blog (although I don't think blogs are considered usable references, but hey, I graduated college awhile ago) and paraphrase her words. Now, I don't know if this is legit in the blogging world, but it's all I've got. Below please excerpts of an amazing writer named C.

"When we really, really love someone it always starts off as, "this person compliments me-- we bring out the best in each other. They quite possibly posses the mind and face and body of someone I'd like to see everyday. forever. You revel in each other's presence and quirks and every new discovery, every witty thing he says, or silly habit I notice fills in this mystery that you just have to solve. It starts off innocently enough, but each little clue is a chip of a the other person's heart and you start storing them up until you've given over the whole thing.

I first went into my relationship thinking that THIS is going to be the one that sticks. The one where we don't have "breaks," or turbulent fights and low blows. I was absolutely set on and refused to accept another heartbreak. In this one I would compromise and listen....I wouldn't be too prideful, possessive or distrusting. I carefully placed each brick, with intention to in the long run build something solid.

Unfortunately, my obsession with refusing to see disappointment festered like a cancer. Slowly, it was just a tiny snag that goes ignored until something catches it...and then all of a sudden you've got a pile of yarn and no blanket. And it's the middle of winter. And you don't sew. Screw sewing.

When you love someone you just want them to be everything to you. The pillar, the muse, the port in the storm, the provider and the counselor. You think that they'll see the things that hurt you and protect you from them- without you having to ask. It's an unspoken rule that once this person is "my person" they'll be there when I'm lonely, or have a flat tire or need a drinking partner, because all those "little things" represent something so much bigger...something that proves faithfulness and security. Trust that that heart you gave over when everything was still sunshine and roses is going to be taken care of.

We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection.

I know what I need to do....I need to reintroduce myself to that girl, the one who sauntered into an audition- fearless and brazenly self-confident that captured his attention, without meaning to and kept it. The girl who went to dinner by herself because food tastes better when you don't have any distractions...or anywhere to be. The girl who took vacations alone and went to the art museum solo. Who lived FREELY and passionately, not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone...but because it made me HAPPY. Who wasn't an observer, but an active creator....waiting for no one, those who wanted to jump on the boat were welcome, but regardless, the boat was going somewhere"

How absolutely incredible are the those words? How amazingly do they fit MY BREAK UP!?! And here I am thinking I was going through this alone and was the only one feeling this way. I went to write this talented muse a comment and then got sidetracked reading all of the uplifting comments other women wrote.

Check it out:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." This may not pertain to GT but how BEAUTIFUL is this quote?

"I think that strong, independent girls are really just regular girls who have higher walls around their hearts. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it weeds out a lot of the bull shit - most guys don't have the patience to scale that wall. It's a bad thing though, because when someone does make it inside it's absolutely SO MUCH more painful when that something ends or hits the skids. " How true, how very true!

So while these were not my words I hope you can appreciate them as much as I did.
THIS IS HOW I FELT! And still feel.
But I am closer to who I was before.
And who I will be with the right person.

I'm so happy I started a blog!
I hope those who read are too!

xoP!nkyxo